Day 15 – daylight or destruction? Or both?

My job has apparently officially let me go – I knew the moment was coming – and I know I can’t work – but was hoping it would wait out until at least my appointment with the neurosurgeon.  Something the company could have done – considering I’ve been on medical leave.  Kind of need the medical if your on medical leave.  But it’s fine, just another hurdle to overcome.  Just something else to figure out.  What’s going on with the coronovirus is scary.  What’s going on with the world is scary.

My music is moving, dropped several tracks this week.  One official version, one for a contest, and a collab.  My music showing the healing, but the stress of the bills, rising everyday.  The medicinal medicine that’s already hard to get a hold of – that will be gone soon – but some how I still have hope that beneath all of this is a stage of healing like no other.  My music becoming better.  I’m feeling more free.  Free from negativity – and it’s showing.  Face brighter, lyrics lighters.  My latest track – one of the best I’ve released so far.  I’m really starting to feel free.  Starting to feel alive – but here soon – the stress from the bills will consume what little good I am feeling now.
My job pulling my benefits before my neuro appointment is a real disappointment.  It was bad enough I couldn’t work, now – no medical.  This is how people end up homeless, on the streets.

I’m confused with myself right now.  How can I feel better, especially knowing that I have bills coming and no income?  How can I wake up in the morning and actually feel like I can breathe knowing that my financial structure is caving?  I don’t know.  Maybe because I know that my mental health is just as disrupting as my physical health, and right now I’m battling a triple hitter of horse shit – but I keep trying to push through.

I’m staying positive amidst it all.  Feeling refreshed and new.  I know that somehow, some way – my dreams of running my own business from home that includes my baked goods, bath essentials, things that calm the chaos of the world – I know soon – that will be how I survive.  I just got to find a way to make it from point a to point b so I can make it to point c.

Until next time, breathe, meditate, image therapy, yoga, music.

Please check out my latest track:

Obsessive Compulsive Desires

If you can help in any way – please visit my GoFundMe,  PayPalMe or as always – just find a “Momma Rapper” track anywhere – and press play!!!!

 

 

Day 13 – Hope or Hype – either way I got to keep pushing forward

My mood is finally stabilizing – and not just on the surface, internally.  I’ve began to speak up when I can feel my anxiety rising – and when I’m uncomfortable I have began the methods taught to me about grounding myself.  All these attempts to cope with this deep healing stage.  A thing I have to keep reminding myself every time I wake up in the morning.  I know that what I am going through – this is temporary.  Each day it’s like I feel a shade brighter.  Each day passing, I can feel the storm lifting.  A storm that has been there for quite some time.  I’m not sure how to handle the light shinning in.  Not sure how to handle the sensitivity I feel right now.  Not sure how to feel about feeling fragile, or the fact that even feeling fragile I feel empowered.  Greg being so supportive – doing all he can to help support the businesses – while also supporting the house, the bills.  All things I’m terrified with me down for my mental and physical health that will all crumble.  He keeps assuring me things will be okay – and deep inside, I know they will be, but watching your life, and what you little you have be at jeopardy of losing because my mental health has taken a complete detour on my journey.  This is not where we are supposed to be right now.  We should be looking for a house with a yard where I can plant seeds to grow flowers, food.  A yard for my dogs.  A yard I can walk barefoot in.  A yard that I can breathe and enjoy the sun, the earth.  I shouldn’t be at home feeling like this.  I wake up in the mornings, make my coffee, take my shower, do some cleaning, and then turn around and spend about 2 hours in the morning trying to figure out what my stomach plans on doing.  My gastro issues that have grown so much worse over the past few months.  I found out recently from therapy that most of my physical medical conditions – common with people with C-PTSD.  Intestinal issues, reproductive issues, common with C-PTSD.  Maybe not the specific condition itself – but the areas in general.  The hysterectomy came at 31, gastroparesis 32.  The bulging disc and spinal stenosis – probably from around the same time.  As much as I got thrown around with my ex – I’m surprised it’s not more is jacked up than that.  And let’s not forget the car accidents.  My body – just physically tired.

I can’t even eat without my body giving me some kind of bullshit back – so naturally after a while – you just feel defeated.

The only thing that makes me feel better?  THC, CBD

And barely legal in this state.  Also something that soon will be gone.  Then what happens with my mental health?  My physical health.  The medicine of all medicines that helps me to function, calms my anxiety, calms my gut, calms my head, all things I need – and soon – not sure how we are going to pay for it.  Disability taking 3 months is super scary – the rep assuring me that is worst case scenario – but with my working credits and prior applications – we are hoping not as long.  Greg continues to assure me, everything will be fine.  He has mentioned pulling overtime to learn another part of the machine at work – but I know, really – that’s just him doing what he can to cover what extra burden there is – but he can only carry so much weight.  We split our bills evenly here – everyone responsible for what they are responsible for.

I’ve worked so many years to build my credit, taking out credit accounts to build the credit – and now – because I’ve used those accounts to buy things that Katie and I needed when we were finally free from all the dumbshit – which I shouldn’t have – but after a while – you need towels to dry off with – and pots and pans to cook with – things we lacked when we moved into the place in Tampa by ourselves, using the Publix cake spatula as a turner for the griddle we had.  The few things we salvaged from the wrecking ball of our life.  The tin container that held our most prized possessions for several years had finally been unboxed.  Most – just boxes full of Katie’s drawings from her childhood – her trinkets – outfits – pictures – all stored at a storage facility in Land O Lakes.  Finally unboxing life, what little we had left of it.  Sleeping on the floor, then gradually to beds, then gradually having sheets, then curtains, then a couch, then towels, then a coffee pot, then a life.  Piece by piece we built.  Each and every time – we would build from nothing.  This time – I wanted to build alone – stronger – buy a house – something my daughter would always have – so she would never feel bound to a relationship – somewhere she could feel free.  I wasn’t able to get it done.  Another failure after failure – but still pushing through.  I move.  Get a better job.  The job, comes with a co-worker that enjoys nitpicking about people’s PTSD – knowing that I suffer from it – but always making it about her Son-in-law – but constantly repeating “I ain’t responsible for no-one’s feelings” – a pun to the breakdown I had at work several months ago because of her bully like behavior – and because I had shared with my boss that when she is asking me questions on the dot, that the lack of response, wasn’t because I didn’t know the answer – but when she asks the ways she does – it triggers a shadow response – and I stumble on my words.  Hoping it would resolve some of the issues I was having at work – but all that happened was they escalated in silence.  Me knowing not to say anything else – because my boss was pissed when I went to HR – every review since then – straight shit.  One I fumbled up so bad – I was having a complete anxiety attack during a review – something else I couldn’t handle.  Group reviews.  A group of people sitting in an office asking you to show them your skills.  I can’t type but 5 WPM when someone stands behind me – (120 WPM when no one is) but you want me to show my skills, in front of all of you, right now, like it was awful.

I’ve associated my job with multiple traumas, and even talking about it now is giving me anxiety…

My physical health, my mental health – all weak right now – and I know right now I need to take the time for my body to heal – and that is what I need to do.  I’m scared of the aftermath of finances, but I keep hoping and praying that some how, some way, more than just Greg will believe in me – and I can offer the world different ways to find peace, whether it’s through music, food, or love. I have a lot to offer, I just got to offer it in the environment that is healthy for prospering.

I’m trying to create business after business, some red tape here and there from that.  I have created a “wish list” of items from amazon to create the bath essentials line under the “I Smell Cakes and Candy” umbrella.  I need the supplies, so I guess I need investors.  It took me over 1 year, purchasing little by little to get what I have for my baking business – but I need to obtain additional licenses here in Georgia, including a home inspection – so the baking will be put on pause until that happens, and that could take a while.  These are things we uncovered yesterday as we are trying to also create a line of carry out cooked foods.  The cottage laws here are different than in Florida.  Katie is ServSafe – but we also need additional classes.  All totaling over $300.00.  The bath essentials could be something that I could get going quite quickly, especially since I have several channels, and a creative and artistic soul – they wouldn’t be like anyone else’s.  I’ve signed up for kickstarter.  A crowdfunding site to help people with small businesses.  We will see how that goes.  I have a lot of ideas, goals for ISC&C and Momma Rapper Music since day 1.  These are my little dream doll houses I have been building.  I would be great at it, I just need those special souls that believe in me.  The cost of the bath essentials line startup:  amazon

This would include the soap, the bath bombs, the entire line.  Everything down to the boxes.  The profit margin will depend on which soap or bath bomb line, of course offering 3 different types of soaps, and several different types of bath bombs in a variety of different shades.  I’m confident in my ability to be able to create such wonderful and artistic things, whether it be the bath essentials, or the baking, or the music – the ability to create – it calms the chaos.

 

I am blooming….

The sun is rising…..

I need to be free to fly….

 

 

If you can help these wings fly please visit my GoFundMe or PayPalMe 

Or remember – you can always send a penny my way by pressing play on any of my tracks on any streaming service!!!!

 

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Tidal

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The rejection I didn’t need….

I just got home from picking up – what I was hoping money from the cupcakes I made to put on display at a local place here.

I walked in – excited to hopefully only pick up the envelope.  Instead I walked in, my cupcakes were turned in, and not on display as they were on Sunday.  Not one single one sold.

My heart almost crushed when I seen they had been pushed to the back, not really visible to anyone.  Several hours and money wasted.

I was really hopeful that if I put these beautiful creations on display somewhere, all it would take it just a few people trying them – and my baking business would be in full swing.

But no.  They were pushed back, dismissed.

Wasted.

I took them and dropped them most of them to various places on the way home.

They were too beautiful to just toss.

I just wish, for once I could catch a break.

 

 

Day 12 – down for construction

The title seem relative…

That is what I am listening to as the new apartment complex is being built next door.  Something that has been quite the nuisance since I’ve been here.  I guess, also hearing the sounds of construction could also be a slight trigger.  Not one that sets me in a mood – but one that sets me in the need to be flighty.  When you walk out my front door, the fence, it’s chain link, and like 5 feet from the door.  The apartment/ construction site’s way of trying to minimize the students sneaking out of school.  But really, it looks like a prison.  The fences are tall – and they line up with a wood paneled fence – once you go around the corner – it’s beautiful.  The front has a little area to put like a picnic table and what not – but really – who wants to sit and look at metal all day – combined with bare sun???

Which – Spring is coming – it’s going to be miserable here.  We had hoped to be moving into a purchased home by now.  Well I had.  Greg – he is down for whatever, but I just don’t even know how we are going to make anything possible – but there’s a part of me that knows this is just a bump that will take me to something greater.  I don’t know if it’s the guided imagery videos or what – but there is a huge part of me that feels like soon, I will be doing what I love to make money (baking and music), we will be living in a purchased property that has land for my furry kids, soil to touch, earth to explore, peace in my soul, life finally slowing down enough to enjoy it, to enjoy creating, building, things I have a serious desire and passion to do, and be able to not only provide, but to even prosper, but how?  I have the basics.  I have the brains.  Now just the client base.

I really wanna open my own bakery, a place where my daughter can work, and Greg.  A place where we can create, live, and love life.  For now, I’ll keep pushing my sweet treats locally in hopes to manage bills enough to not burden Greg  too much.  Even though, he considers none of this a burden.  For him, he sees the pain, he sees the healing, he sees the soul ripping apart while the band-aids lift so I can finally stitch up all the wounds of my past, so my past will not continue to bleed into my future.  Things deeply buried that have been rising one track at a time, never seen by myself, subconscious lyrics that meant so much more than I had even imagined…

My subconscious was giving me a warning message through my music – and for me – I was just writing music – yes it meant something – something deep – but looking back – it’s so much deeper.

I can remember looking over to Greg, he does too, the minute after we published “That’s Some Shady Shit” I looked over to him and said “I dug a little too deep with that one” The odd thing is – the song is fun – like I was easing myself into the realization about something so deeply rooted about to be unsurfaced.  The last verse had given me chills, but the excitement over the song – still there.  To this day.  The track won first place in #September #heroes #contest My dedication track to Eminem.  More so hip-hop in general.  The one thing I had alone because no one in my family listened to it, plus I connected with some of the evol shit on a different level.  The trailer hood lifestyle ain’t no joke – and ain’t for the weak.  The shit going on in my head really wasn’t about love or broke down trucks – although I love country music – only a few songs hold any place in my soul. (They almost all Reba…)

The verse:

Your lyrics – those were lit
Funny thing was,
I had notebooks of my own
Just 15 and already feeling grown.
A few painful seeds already sewn
Wanting to wander off and listen to you alone.
Never feeling right in the light,
never sleeping at night
Putting up that good fight
Receiving that knife
It’s okay, I’ll be alright
Em will hold me tight
My kryptonite
I put it down in graphite
Send it through Satellite
Love, Em

I might

 

Take it however you want to, cause right now I’m trying to unfold it all.  But my notebooks, they have always been the key to my emotions, my thoughts.  Often not even realizing what I am saying fully – just watching the pen glide across the paper – or the words typing across the screen – it all just flows….

The lyrics, I know what they mean.  At the time, maybe not so much, but now, yea…

The next song that came after that kind of has me a little nerves, but you can also see that I was teetering with my emotions heavily at the time – even if I didn’t realize it at the time.  The beat itself was called “Matter Undermined” – just seemed almost too perfect right.  The lyrics deep.. The song intense looking back.

The lyrics:

My soul
It’s seizing
my back
its bleeding

I was trying to give myself a warning that something was coming.  Something very emotional, very deep.  I may have not listened, but I am now.  I have no choice to.  The moment to deal with this is now.  Where it’s the ideal time or not, is there ever?  My mental illness is here, and needs attention, and I need to take to time to let it get better.

I have no choice to.  If I continue to inject myself into these situations where I am uncomfortable or negatively influencing my outlook, I will honestly loose my shit.

I keep reminding myself “I am not stuck” but dam – why does it have to be so hard?

Hard or not though, I will overcome this battle much like all the others…

 

For now, my dreams will become my reality, one beautiful cupcake at a time. 

 

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