Day 12 – down for construction

The title seem relative…

That is what I am listening to as the new apartment complex is being built next door.  Something that has been quite the nuisance since I’ve been here.  I guess, also hearing the sounds of construction could also be a slight trigger.  Not one that sets me in a mood – but one that sets me in the need to be flighty.  When you walk out my front door, the fence, it’s chain link, and like 5 feet from the door.  The apartment/ construction site’s way of trying to minimize the students sneaking out of school.  But really, it looks like a prison.  The fences are tall – and they line up with a wood paneled fence – once you go around the corner – it’s beautiful.  The front has a little area to put like a picnic table and what not – but really – who wants to sit and look at metal all day – combined with bare sun???

Which – Spring is coming – it’s going to be miserable here.  We had hoped to be moving into a purchased home by now.  Well I had.  Greg – he is down for whatever, but I just don’t even know how we are going to make anything possible – but there’s a part of me that knows this is just a bump that will take me to something greater.  I don’t know if it’s the guided imagery videos or what – but there is a huge part of me that feels like soon, I will be doing what I love to make money (baking and music), we will be living in a purchased property that has land for my furry kids, soil to touch, earth to explore, peace in my soul, life finally slowing down enough to enjoy it, to enjoy creating, building, things I have a serious desire and passion to do, and be able to not only provide, but to even prosper, but how?  I have the basics.  I have the brains.  Now just the client base.

I really wanna open my own bakery, a place where my daughter can work, and Greg.  A place where we can create, live, and love life.  For now, I’ll keep pushing my sweet treats locally in hopes to manage bills enough to not burden Greg  too much.  Even though, he considers none of this a burden.  For him, he sees the pain, he sees the healing, he sees the soul ripping apart while the band-aids lift so I can finally stitch up all the wounds of my past, so my past will not continue to bleed into my future.  Things deeply buried that have been rising one track at a time, never seen by myself, subconscious lyrics that meant so much more than I had even imagined…

My subconscious was giving me a warning message through my music – and for me – I was just writing music – yes it meant something – something deep – but looking back – it’s so much deeper.

I can remember looking over to Greg, he does too, the minute after we published “That’s Some Shady Shit” I looked over to him and said “I dug a little too deep with that one” The odd thing is – the song is fun – like I was easing myself into the realization about something so deeply rooted about to be unsurfaced.  The last verse had given me chills, but the excitement over the song – still there.  To this day.  The track won first place in #September #heroes #contest My dedication track to Eminem.  More so hip-hop in general.  The one thing I had alone because no one in my family listened to it, plus I connected with some of the evol shit on a different level.  The trailer hood lifestyle ain’t no joke – and ain’t for the weak.  The shit going on in my head really wasn’t about love or broke down trucks – although I love country music – only a few songs hold any place in my soul. (They almost all Reba…)

The verse:

Your lyrics – those were lit
Funny thing was,
I had notebooks of my own
Just 15 and already feeling grown.
A few painful seeds already sewn
Wanting to wander off and listen to you alone.
Never feeling right in the light,
never sleeping at night
Putting up that good fight
Receiving that knife
It’s okay, I’ll be alright
Em will hold me tight
My kryptonite
I put it down in graphite
Send it through Satellite
Love, Em

I might

 

Take it however you want to, cause right now I’m trying to unfold it all.  But my notebooks, they have always been the key to my emotions, my thoughts.  Often not even realizing what I am saying fully – just watching the pen glide across the paper – or the words typing across the screen – it all just flows….

The lyrics, I know what they mean.  At the time, maybe not so much, but now, yea…

The next song that came after that kind of has me a little nerves, but you can also see that I was teetering with my emotions heavily at the time – even if I didn’t realize it at the time.  The beat itself was called “Matter Undermined” – just seemed almost too perfect right.  The lyrics deep.. The song intense looking back.

The lyrics:

My soul
It’s seizing
my back
its bleeding

I was trying to give myself a warning that something was coming.  Something very emotional, very deep.  I may have not listened, but I am now.  I have no choice to.  The moment to deal with this is now.  Where it’s the ideal time or not, is there ever?  My mental illness is here, and needs attention, and I need to take to time to let it get better.

I have no choice to.  If I continue to inject myself into these situations where I am uncomfortable or negatively influencing my outlook, I will honestly loose my shit.

I keep reminding myself “I am not stuck” but dam – why does it have to be so hard?

Hard or not though, I will overcome this battle much like all the others…

 

For now, my dreams will become my reality, one beautiful cupcake at a time. 

 

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