Day 11 – the 3 month wait

Just wrapped up my call with social security.  Some good news – some discouraging news.  This process for disability is a 3 month long process.  So what’s happens now?  I have my businesses up and running – but still working on getting customers and generate revenue but I’m also still trying to figure out how to get my daughter off of the air mattress in her room.  Why does my mental health have to play such a huge role in functioning?  Why can’t I just suck it up and get my ass back to work?  Why does the thought of being inside of a closed room terrify me?  Why can’t I just be normal?
All these questions – and yet – most I actually do have the answers – but do I accept them?  I am not sure.  I know I am working on at least understanding it.

Something my therapist has already answered – but it still raises the question – why is it me that has to feel and be so awkward with other humans?  But I guess, if not me, then who?  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.  The ability to be able to navigate the office – the skills I have are desirable – but my inability to have the people skills necessary to function in a normal office setting – well, I’ve never had that – I have been faking it – trying to make it work for the past 25 years.  Since I’m good at it – figured that is what I am supposed to be doing.  But I know, deep down, sitting in an office for 50 hours a week was never on my bucket list.  And now – not even sure if it is on the “I need to survive” list.

I have gotten to the stage of my mental health – where to be frank – it would almost be better to be homeless and hungry than to step one foot back into a closed in office space filled with so much negativity that it eats up the only good I have left to give this world.

My daughter – the one who should be overly concerned – she is calm – she is content – she simply stated “Mom I like you being home”

I mean I have missed so much of her life growing up because of working that really maybe this is the universe saying okay, you have given so much – now it’s time for you and your daughter to spend some time getting to know each other – some time to enjoy a breakfast without rushing out the front door, some time to enjoy an evening ride without it involving running from my ex-husband.  Some time to just enjoy each other’s existence.  Something I also have been enjoying with Greg.

But what happens when my world falls apart, because the breadwinner, the rock is no longer the rock, but more so the water flowing over the rock?

I just bought a car 6 months ago, our roommate is moving out, Greg can only handle the financial weight of so much, and has already been doing so much to keep my mind at ease during this C-PTSD wave of emotions.  I have my own bills.  Credit I have worked endlessly to repair – all of what I have built is about to all burn in the ashes of my mental health – all because I can’t, not now, and not any time soon, sit my ass back into a chair, behind a closed door, with so much consuming negativity surrounding me.  Hell, right now, I can’t even go to Wal-Mart without feeling completely overwhelmed and manic.

And for years, day after day, I have sucked it up, I don’t understand why right now – I just can’t.  I survived the abuse – now I’m just trying to survive my head….

I’ve been doing meditation, yoga, image therapy, all in attempt to kick start myself back so I can inject myself back into society, but for now, I think this moment of healing is necessary.  Maybe my world needs to fall apart one more time – so that it can grow even bigger and more beautiful – or maybe I am letting everyone around me down because I am in my own head, but I will be no good to anyone if I continue to feel like this.

For now… I just need to breathe….

If you can help in any way – please hit my gofundme or paypal.  Any help would be appreciated.

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