Day 13 – Hope or Hype – either way I got to keep pushing forward

My mood is finally stabilizing – and not just on the surface, internally.  I’ve began to speak up when I can feel my anxiety rising – and when I’m uncomfortable I have began the methods taught to me about grounding myself.  All these attempts to cope with this deep healing stage.  A thing I have to keep reminding myself every time I wake up in the morning.  I know that what I am going through – this is temporary.  Each day it’s like I feel a shade brighter.  Each day passing, I can feel the storm lifting.  A storm that has been there for quite some time.  I’m not sure how to handle the light shinning in.  Not sure how to handle the sensitivity I feel right now.  Not sure how to feel about feeling fragile, or the fact that even feeling fragile I feel empowered.  Greg being so supportive – doing all he can to help support the businesses – while also supporting the house, the bills.  All things I’m terrified with me down for my mental and physical health that will all crumble.  He keeps assuring me things will be okay – and deep inside, I know they will be, but watching your life, and what you little you have be at jeopardy of losing because my mental health has taken a complete detour on my journey.  This is not where we are supposed to be right now.  We should be looking for a house with a yard where I can plant seeds to grow flowers, food.  A yard for my dogs.  A yard I can walk barefoot in.  A yard that I can breathe and enjoy the sun, the earth.  I shouldn’t be at home feeling like this.  I wake up in the mornings, make my coffee, take my shower, do some cleaning, and then turn around and spend about 2 hours in the morning trying to figure out what my stomach plans on doing.  My gastro issues that have grown so much worse over the past few months.  I found out recently from therapy that most of my physical medical conditions – common with people with C-PTSD.  Intestinal issues, reproductive issues, common with C-PTSD.  Maybe not the specific condition itself – but the areas in general.  The hysterectomy came at 31, gastroparesis 32.  The bulging disc and spinal stenosis – probably from around the same time.  As much as I got thrown around with my ex – I’m surprised it’s not more is jacked up than that.  And let’s not forget the car accidents.  My body – just physically tired.

I can’t even eat without my body giving me some kind of bullshit back – so naturally after a while – you just feel defeated.

The only thing that makes me feel better?  THC, CBD

And barely legal in this state.  Also something that soon will be gone.  Then what happens with my mental health?  My physical health.  The medicine of all medicines that helps me to function, calms my anxiety, calms my gut, calms my head, all things I need – and soon – not sure how we are going to pay for it.  Disability taking 3 months is super scary – the rep assuring me that is worst case scenario – but with my working credits and prior applications – we are hoping not as long.  Greg continues to assure me, everything will be fine.  He has mentioned pulling overtime to learn another part of the machine at work – but I know, really – that’s just him doing what he can to cover what extra burden there is – but he can only carry so much weight.  We split our bills evenly here – everyone responsible for what they are responsible for.

I’ve worked so many years to build my credit, taking out credit accounts to build the credit – and now – because I’ve used those accounts to buy things that Katie and I needed when we were finally free from all the dumbshit – which I shouldn’t have – but after a while – you need towels to dry off with – and pots and pans to cook with – things we lacked when we moved into the place in Tampa by ourselves, using the Publix cake spatula as a turner for the griddle we had.  The few things we salvaged from the wrecking ball of our life.  The tin container that held our most prized possessions for several years had finally been unboxed.  Most – just boxes full of Katie’s drawings from her childhood – her trinkets – outfits – pictures – all stored at a storage facility in Land O Lakes.  Finally unboxing life, what little we had left of it.  Sleeping on the floor, then gradually to beds, then gradually having sheets, then curtains, then a couch, then towels, then a coffee pot, then a life.  Piece by piece we built.  Each and every time – we would build from nothing.  This time – I wanted to build alone – stronger – buy a house – something my daughter would always have – so she would never feel bound to a relationship – somewhere she could feel free.  I wasn’t able to get it done.  Another failure after failure – but still pushing through.  I move.  Get a better job.  The job, comes with a co-worker that enjoys nitpicking about people’s PTSD – knowing that I suffer from it – but always making it about her Son-in-law – but constantly repeating “I ain’t responsible for no-one’s feelings” – a pun to the breakdown I had at work several months ago because of her bully like behavior – and because I had shared with my boss that when she is asking me questions on the dot, that the lack of response, wasn’t because I didn’t know the answer – but when she asks the ways she does – it triggers a shadow response – and I stumble on my words.  Hoping it would resolve some of the issues I was having at work – but all that happened was they escalated in silence.  Me knowing not to say anything else – because my boss was pissed when I went to HR – every review since then – straight shit.  One I fumbled up so bad – I was having a complete anxiety attack during a review – something else I couldn’t handle.  Group reviews.  A group of people sitting in an office asking you to show them your skills.  I can’t type but 5 WPM when someone stands behind me – (120 WPM when no one is) but you want me to show my skills, in front of all of you, right now, like it was awful.

I’ve associated my job with multiple traumas, and even talking about it now is giving me anxiety…

My physical health, my mental health – all weak right now – and I know right now I need to take the time for my body to heal – and that is what I need to do.  I’m scared of the aftermath of finances, but I keep hoping and praying that some how, some way, more than just Greg will believe in me – and I can offer the world different ways to find peace, whether it’s through music, food, or love. I have a lot to offer, I just got to offer it in the environment that is healthy for prospering.

I’m trying to create business after business, some red tape here and there from that.  I have created a “wish list” of items from amazon to create the bath essentials line under the “I Smell Cakes and Candy” umbrella.  I need the supplies, so I guess I need investors.  It took me over 1 year, purchasing little by little to get what I have for my baking business – but I need to obtain additional licenses here in Georgia, including a home inspection – so the baking will be put on pause until that happens, and that could take a while.  These are things we uncovered yesterday as we are trying to also create a line of carry out cooked foods.  The cottage laws here are different than in Florida.  Katie is ServSafe – but we also need additional classes.  All totaling over $300.00.  The bath essentials could be something that I could get going quite quickly, especially since I have several channels, and a creative and artistic soul – they wouldn’t be like anyone else’s.  I’ve signed up for kickstarter.  A crowdfunding site to help people with small businesses.  We will see how that goes.  I have a lot of ideas, goals for ISC&C and Momma Rapper Music since day 1.  These are my little dream doll houses I have been building.  I would be great at it, I just need those special souls that believe in me.  The cost of the bath essentials line startup:  amazon

This would include the soap, the bath bombs, the entire line.  Everything down to the boxes.  The profit margin will depend on which soap or bath bomb line, of course offering 3 different types of soaps, and several different types of bath bombs in a variety of different shades.  I’m confident in my ability to be able to create such wonderful and artistic things, whether it be the bath essentials, or the baking, or the music – the ability to create – it calms the chaos.

 

I am blooming….

The sun is rising…..

I need to be free to fly….

 

 

If you can help these wings fly please visit my GoFundMe or PayPalMe 

Or remember – you can always send a penny my way by pressing play on any of my tracks on any streaming service!!!!

 

Soundcloud

Spotify 

Youtube

Amazon Music .99 Download

Tidal

iHeartRadio

Pandora

 

20200229_125221

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: