I Smell Cakes and Candy

I am going to switch gears and eventually I will have these set up in series because there are different parts of my life that I would like to share and one of them is being almost 40 and single.

I know OMG a woman’s worst nightmare – just not mine.  I have friends that tell me “oh you will find the right one when the time is right”.  Well in order to find the right you must be looking, and that ladies and gents that is the furthest thing from my mind.  I am not looking, and to be quite frankly even when one shows up – I do my best to run them off.

OH MY GOD I KNOW HOW HORRIBLE

But let me explain.

I am 37 years old.  A grown child, and two failed marriages along with a relationship that would send me over the edge.  So let’s bring that total up to 3.  A piece of paper doesn’t determine the amount of bulllshit one goes through in relationship.  Married or not – a relationship is a relationship.  Commitment is commitment.

Now I am not going to go into a relationship bashing contest or how wrong I had been done blah blah blah cause we have all heard it before.  The one thing that was the common denominator in each failed relationship was me.  I was the common issue.  My choices in men generally has to do with a fixer up project because you know I like to fix things.  I am a woman that has always been torn in between the morals and values of a family that was incredibly traditional and a woman that was raised to stand on her own and that worked hard.  A combination of qualities that later in life I would see as a challenge in a relationship.

You might think to yourself how does traditional and working hard cause a conflict in behaviors or demeanor.  Well, you hear about tom boys, and well we are a challenge for the male population, and I will explain why.

While I have a very boyish side to my personality that includes biking, camping, fishing, mudding, video games, I also have a very girly side too.  You see growing up I had mostly boys by my side – and was raised in the sticks – so outside was where we played.  Doing these things not only is nostalgic – but it helps to this day grow that connectivity to my father and to my child hood (my dad passed away in 2004).  Now a man says, hey this sounds great – she likes to do stuff guys like to do.  And that stands true for most men, but I am complex.  I am not easy.  I am also a workaholic.  And that got worse the older I got.

Hey a woman that works hell yes!  Till you are realize you dealing with a woman who is at the end of the day kind of a bitch.  You see each man in my life was put at the end of the list.  And most men that deal with a single mom – well they aren’t easy to deal with.  For one, they don’t need you.  They rely on very few people, and if they aren’t with the child’s father – you best believe you are going to be dealing with some “my child more important that you, therefore my job is more important than you”.  Sounds kind of cold, but at the end of the day – it didn’t matter who I was texting on my phone – my child had to be fed.  My first husband was my daughters dad.  That marriage was incredibly short, 2 years.  Got married at 18, really a shot gun wedding.  Divorced at 20.  My kid’s dad – he was only 17 when we got married, so the financial responsibilities were really left to me, and we lived on our own once I graduated high school, and got married, so you can just imagine how exhausting that was.  Turned 18 in May, graduated in June, married in July, baby in August.  Now that isn’t the order my parents preferred of course.  They did it the right way, knew each of for 2 weeks, got married on the 3rd and was married till the day my Dad died.  We were young, too young for marriage, too young to be parents, but you play the cards that you are dealt, often from the same deck you shuffled.

After the marriage ended, I was on my own, living on my own at that.  Even though the ending of the marriage was needed, I still felt like a failure, so I was determined to show my family that a husband didn’t define me, so I set out to do all the things I had set out to do.  Enrolled in college, worked at a high school, also at an assisted living facility.  Bills were high, daycare was expensive. We struggled. When you struggle for a while out in the world, with a child, completely on your own, then you get a different view of life, and since my pride would always be in the way, we struggled more than we really had to.

Well this goes on for a little over a year –  but hey I am making it.  Tired but making it, never seen my kid though.  She was in and out of daycares and paid family members so I could put food on the table.  Two jobs, going to school, all to prove I wasn’t a failure.  Then a guy comes along, at a very sensitive time in my life.  One I thought came to save me.  Well some ships look great on the outside, but once on board you find out the engine blown, and the ship starts to sink shortly after, but you ride it out much longer till it finally sinks completely because at least you were on a  boat.

A man that had the family backing for the potential to be a great captain but lacked the maturity for sustainability in any relationship.  A man that was more concerned about the party down the road over the fact that the milk jug was empty and the rent was due.  I found myself still taking care of everything on my own, and God knows me and that man did not get along, but it wasn’t all him.  A woman that doesn’t need a man, well she is hard to deal with cause she won’t put with your shit.  Even though I found myself putting up with his immaturity and his combative behavior much longer than I should have – but not for him.  For that traditional lifestyle we were able to play off at holidays.  Sounds stupid, but then again, is any marriage perfect?  I mean I already went through one marriage and divorce and found myself willing to be a little more flexible in the things that I would accept in the second one.  The voice in my head of the elder saying “remember a marriage needs work, you got to work at it, people make mistakes”.  Going into a second marriage makes you soft and hard all at the same time.

I stayed in this crazy, catatonic, relationship for roughly 10 years – then comes along the skiff.  You know this little boat that comes to rescue you from the sinking ship.  Yea I am going to use that as a reference – and it isn’t something that I have hidden, yes I had an affair.

Yea judge it.  You weren’t there – and at least I was always honest about it.  I am not joking either.  I never hid it from it from the husband.  I, at least owed that to him, especially since 2 years before he had at least enough respect to call me while I was at the flea market with my family to inform me that while he was supposed to be prepping for a job, he slept with a mutual friend.  Hey honesty is key.  I think at first he didn’t believe me, til I brought my friend to the house for a Halloween party.  I know odd shit right.  Again, you weren’t there.  And my new friend – was actually JUST A FRIEND AT THE TIME.  But I was giving this man my mental attention – he was a soft voice in a loud world, but some men – they thrive on feeling like a savior – and once you are saved, you hold little to no value, and I would find that I preferred loud and honest – over soft and secretive.  I was in my early 30s.  My husband – he really wasn’t interested in me anymore – and was more of an obsession over anything else.  He didn’t really care – and physically – that relationship had ended 2 years prior.  Cheating does something to me mentally – and I never really do get over it – but I wouldn’t realize that till much later in life.

The third and final lasted around 6 years.  My husband would eventually find his way into a bar – to never find his way home.  My friendship with my new young savior converted over to yet another failing relationship.  And do you know why?  Because relationships that are built on broken ones always ends up caving.  Both of us had just ended our relationships, and the friendship we had built was so strong – that it was great – for little bursts.  When it was good – it was good and when it was bad it was bad.  And the one thing I was always terrified of was being alone.  The best thing with the 3rd was that we could laugh.  Face to face things would always be great – but when I was away – he loved to play.

Well all that playing – would always surface because I am not the type of woman you can really lie to.  And to be frank – you really can’t be doing that shit anymore.  Your phones are your lie detectors, and a smart person – they know to scope into your stuff.  Plus, again – let me touch base on the fact I was raised with mostly boys – I know how some of y’all think – and honestly those creeping skills needed some work – and of course – he had him a baby momma – and those are always fun.  One thing is for sure – she loved to rat him out – hahaha.  It wasn’t all his fault either, he had trust issues too because of how we met, and for him he thought it was almost unbelievable that I never lied about him or his place in my life.  I understood that, cause even thinking back – I am like well dam.  I believe in honesty, although never honest with myself.

So now we are caught up on the 3 and final, we come to the ending of the relationship roundups, we will move into single life.  The 3rd relationship ended the day before Independence Day 2016.  You might say to yourself – dam that was a while ago, but as you can tell – there were was only about 2 years from 18 to 35 in which I had been single and even in those years – there was a few 3 – 6 month relationships in between.  Again that fear of really being alone, and having no one to turn talk to in those nights you are lonely.

Well I moved into a house – by the grace of God.  Almost like fate because I was to be honest – kind of homeless.  That relationship ended abruptly – and really I had no where to live – but it was time for it to end, and thank God for a work friend because she was nice enough to let me rent out a house she had up for sale.  Fate, something that was feeling very thin – cause really at this point feeling like a failure in so many ways when it came to relationships.  One thing I was good at though – working.  When I first moved into the house – I was so busy trying to fill the house.  I had gotten rid of most of what I had owned because I had lived with the 3rd and final – and storage was expensive so I kept downsizing.  Financially strapped, one income home, two bellies to feed.

It wasn’t easy.  Financially strapped, one income home, two bellies to feed. A thing one night sitting across from my daughter, I realized we mostly ate dinner alone, and that hadn’t changed in 17 years.  A night that would change my outlook.  Why keep chasing when I had all I needed right in front of me? I was dealing with an emotional rollercoaster within myself caused by the constant chaos of the relationships I would get myself involved in. So many things happening – so many things going in within your heart.  Breakups aren’t easy – and dealing with a self-image issue – well emotions can really get the best of you.  I was busy – so it helped – but learning how to sleep alone – those are the nights you learn to keep a towel for your tears under your pillow.  But something happens, just like a deep cut – it heals.  Day in day out – the pain gets better.  The shit is temporary.  You and your body – it is an ever changing vessel.  Just as the tissues around a cut begin to reattach itself to heal – a heart that is LEFT ALONE will mend and heal – getting stronger with each day.  And I say LEFT ALONE because we are so quick to jump from one life straight into the next – never giving the heart time to rest leaving ourselves tired and leaving ourselves putting up with shit we NEVER should in any relationship.

The thing that I have noticed though, when a person is left alone, if they take the time, they begin to discover who they are.  Getting used to the quiet was difficult – something that coming from a large and loud family from birth – that was unheard of hahaha.  Sounds corny – but it is true.  I never allowed myself to discover who I was as an adult.  I became a wife and a parent at such a young age – that I never had the time to discover what I liked in life.  When you have a child your life becomes them.  What they like, you like because you are serving your purpose as a parent. But what happens when they grow up and they are becoming their own person?  Like not only was I dealing with failed relationships but in the blink of eye my daughter became an adult and took off for her own adventure.  You no longer have a child coming up behind you saying “mom lets go”.  Some thing that was harder than any relationship – because really like I said – those never really stood a chance next to my daughter.  I felt her heart beat within my body – there is no other bond stronger.

It got quieter and quieter here, some thing I started to grow into and almost enjoy.  I miss my daughter like crazy – and of course in regards to her I would love for her to move back home.  It is the “other” quiet though.  The emotional quiet.

You see I found myself peace – but not by choice, but I didn’t resist either.  At any given point – I could have resisted the quiet and chose to get into another unsatisfying relationship – but I know that isn’t what I want.  I enjoy going to bed now and not questioning the intentions of the one laying next to me.  I am no longer wondering where my husband is.  I no longer have the expectations of being a wife.  No longer having debates, no longer staying up late.  You see, I stopped taking care of everyone and finally started taking care of myself.  And in doing that I am becoming a better me.  A stronger me.  It isn’t always easy.  I do get lonely – but lets get real for just a minute.  We have become a society in which commitment, honor, respect, are all a fading fad.  Deceptive behavior is the common norm now, and that just isn’t a game I am willing to participate in.  I would rather snuggle up next to my pitty and sleep soundly that next to someone who is not filling my soul with a satisfying love cause a peaceful soul is a solid soul.

Being Single Does Not Mean I am Not Satisfied

A little background about me and food, I love to create. It’s experimental for me.  Scientific.  Especially sugar.  A very universal and divine creation by God that has a wide range of capabilities including but not limited to making your thighs magically grow. Now listen this isn’t a sugar bashing blog post, I mean after all I am an amateur baker, so don’t get it twisted, I respect sugar and it’s place in the kitchen.  However; I have taken it out of my day-to-day life, and use it as intended, as a treat, and on occasion only.  Now that sounds easy, yeah maybe if you aren’t from the south – where the preferred drinks are sweet tea, and sugary milk coffee.  Now I make some of the best sweet tea in Pasco County.  My Nannie had them sweet southern cooking skills, we know how to make a 2 cup sugar strong sweet tea that is the only thing that saves you from the hot Florida sun on a summer day when you’re doing yard work.  Yea I know about that life.

Now like I said in my last blog post I was going to go into what I did differently.  Well one of my friends was doing the Atkins diet and I kept hearing rumors about the keto diet.  Well, really they are about the same diet.  When first considering it – I was like ugh this diet won’t work – lots of grease, lots of heavy protein – and with my gastroparesis – I just didn’t think the diet would be for me.  Well still thinking about doing some of the things from the diet – I started really considering the giving up the sugar.  I was reading so many reports about sugar and what it does chemically to the body.  So I figured what the hell – what do I have to lose?  It is the one thing that I hadn’t taken out of my diet, the sugar in my drinks.

So in November I started trading out my coffee with stevia.  Wasn’t bad – and I also liked the flavor ideas with the heavy whipping cream – although I never did the butter thing in the coffee – I just couldn’t.  I mean it’s supposed to be wonderful – it’s just I can’t get past the idea of drinking butter, although I love the stuff.  Anyways.  I was noticing that by not waking up and injecting my body with cane sugar – but with stevia, some of my cravings had died off.  I wasn’t craving the candy bowl at work as much – and was more so craving water over tea.  I also noticed something else – the first week I dropped 4 pounds – and all I did was give up sugar in my coffee.

Well come January 1rst – and clearly having a midlife crisis since I now have an empty nest – I really started kicking the research into over drive.  I researched how keto was utilized in so many different treatments and how people were feeling.  So I decided to give full keto a try.  I kind of still don’t eat a lot of red meats – because they are heavy on my gut – but I do eat a ton of chicken.  The biggest struggle – my dam sweet tea.  I was a gallon solo a day drinker during the summer.  Don’t set there and judge me unless you dined at my table and had some cause you don’t know – better ask some body hahaha. Here’s the thing though – the definition of chaos is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting  different result.  I analyzed my habits.  Tracked my food intake on myfitness pal cause it’s free – and if you aren’t tracking – and trying to lose weight – you are at a complete disadvantage and you’re probably making it harder than it needs to be – and most of the time some minor adjustments to your diet could yield major changes and results.  Every body is different – therefore every diet should be catered for you and your lifestyle.  I recommend a nutritionist if you can afford one – but if you can’t that is the best place to start.  And why do a crash diet?  Like make trade offs one by one?  Why torture yourself? I monitored my food intake, started just trading off things. I am on a low carb high fat diet, but did it gradually, and still continue to modify because routines get modified, so your diet needs to be adjusted.  For the first few months on keto – I did no physical exercise what so ever – at all.  It really is a great diet, single-handed.  After you get past the first two month are so, you really get into the swing of things – you just have to stick with it and trust the process, and remember to not let one day ruin your attempt – just jump back on.  You also really need to listen to your body.  Notice the way you feel and remember that if you are doing the keto diet – you really need to research it, cause I hear a lot of y’all talking about you stayed at 20 carbs a day – for like 3 months – that is NOT the meal plan and you should be cycling  – but I mean you live your best life hahaha.  Do what you want.  When I start feeling worn down – I know a higher carb day is in order.  Just remember that this shouldn’t be done until you gain control over the diet – again, for me that was around the end of month two.  The diet must be followed on point in order for it to be the most effective.  Research, buy a book, and really give the process a chance if that is the route you are going.  For some reason keto just had this effect  over me.  I know how I feel when I stick to it, and I know how I feel when I don’t and really it’s a huge difference.  Keto, more than any other diet helped me balance my plate a little better.  I still eat breads, but like 1 week a month, and generally some type of Arnold Bread – because I find they taste the best – and also have fewer carbs than the rest of the breads.

If you get into the habit of saying meats, cheeses, healthy fats, vegetables, you will remember the things that you can eat.

There is a lot that I have learned along the way – like did you know the harder the cheese – the lower the carbs?  In example, extra sharp white cheddar is a little better for you than a softer cheese like a colby?  See little tradeoffs to lower the amount of your daily carbs goes a long way.

That is where I began.

In the next episode I’ll talk about how I got off my fat ass and got to working out and how I have managed to clock in over 200 KM the last two months, but also how that freaked up my diet for a minute.

P.S.

For those of you that like videos you should check out my youtube channel

There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin.  I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.

So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger.  423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6).  I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner.  I didn’t.  I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.

Let’s go back to the begining.  2010.  The year I had lap-band surgery.  It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off.  Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months.  The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals).  I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do.  The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed.  Now of course, I say that now.

Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later.  A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.

Now here is some real shit.  The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month.  Now that sounds great.  31 and no more periods.  Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight????  I sure the hell didn’t.  I mean I got the basics.  Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.

Guess when you find this out?  After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier.  According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc.  They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!

I am not joking either.  I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier.  I was devastated.  Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition.  40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is  significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds?  Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down?  How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for.  So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further,  I decided to hit the gym.  It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.

I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point.  Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life.  I wanted better days.  I wanted to wake up and not be in pain.  I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself.  So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid.  I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess??  Well I didn’t.  Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours.  It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my  kid was the one that paid the price.  She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything.  Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies.  I wanted to give it to her.  I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol.  I just couldn’t.  All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms?  This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are.  You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS.  Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”.  BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT

So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues.  They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.

Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital.  YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby.  Found out I had developed gastroparesis.  Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***

So fanfreakingtastic

Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong.  You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds.  You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS.  Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through.  Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits.  Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.

Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down.   I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!

I gave up.  I really did.  Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty.  (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)

I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life.  And really, was that so bad?  I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned.  At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.

The thing is – the misery never leaves.  Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.

I wasn’t happy.  I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things.  I was ashamed of my body.  I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me.  What I had become.

There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens.  I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it.  She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative.  She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it.  My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.

I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year.  There are quite a few years there.  Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing.  I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop.  Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight.  Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it.  After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be.  I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.

Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed.  I grew tired of trying anymore.  It got me thinking to.  I was failing because I gave up to easily.  I never stuck with it.  Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground.  Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it.  Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.

The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface.  What is the one thing we preach to our children?  Don’t give up!  So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal.  She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout.  Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle  – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard.  I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be.  I am not my weight.

I will not settle.  I will not stop.  I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.

Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.