Self Seduction The Things I Repeat To My Self
Life is nothing more than trial and error. In each and everything we do. If you take these as learning lessons then you can find ways to make the situation better. We don’t walk without falling from time to time. We don’t stang strong without knowing what it’s like to lay weak. It is in our struggle that we learn our blessings. Life will humble you, embrace it as a learning lesson. But it order to do so, you must be willing to educate yourself through your life. Learn about yourself. Learn who you are. This comes when you begin to be true to yourself. True to your core. And remember where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is healing, there is acceptance, and where there is acceptance, there is love.
Happy Weekend Y’all
My randomness
The Anxiety Antidote
Some of you may think anxiety can be controlled by thought or emotion – and to some degree yes it can be. I utilize methods like meditation, breathing exercises to keep them at bay.
Unless I have a bad one. I have closet anxiety. One the surface I look controlled, solid. On this inside it is like a million minions going into different directions all at the same time.
When you have anxiety – sometimes you can really be the toxic one in the relationship.
Now, let me explain. Cause I know some of y’all like whhhhaaaaaaattt tttttthhhhhheeeee fuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkk she just say.
I have anxiety, and I know I can be toxic in a relationship.
I am one of those to where when I feel fine, everything is fine, but when I am upset – everything makes me upset.
And I mean everything. And for a man, that is a lot to deal with. I am not super emotional – but I get snappy. Pissy. Attitude. Everyone’s anxiety is different – and I know my condition crippled most of the relationships, but because I was with the wrong kind of person.
The problem is, that never once I have I ever had a man take the time to even try to pinpoint the issue, or even just accept the fact that it was just an episode, and cuddle me, instead of responding with more negativity.
I know sounds complex right. Like how is a pissy woman asking a man to cuddle her when she is being a bitch. Well because – that fixes it.
When someone is dealing with their anxiety – they just need someone to talk them through it.
For every person it is different, but if your spouse has anxiety – I will give you a few pointers that would have helped me.
- Take some of the work off of their back. If they are in the kitchen doing the dishes, and appear to be in an episode, grab the sponge, and tell them to go take their cranky ass to bed, or go get in the bath.
- If they wake up cranky, cuddle them. Make their coffee for them – it is like a switch – showing that thoughtfulness – can really change a person’s outlook for the day.
- Reassurance. I have dealt with a lot, I don’t need constant reassurance – but I do appreciate a man that can say “you are the one” and actually mean it. Someone with anxiety – typically never feels good enough – so this helps them cope with that.
- Do NOT use the condition against them. We are already self-conscious about it – we don’t need you to put it out to make us feel even worse about ourselves.
- Know that even though, I am a strong woman, like most people with anxiety, and I got me 95% – that 5% is when I need a soft hand on my shoulder.
- Don’t make fun of us. I often stutter when I am upset. I stutter because sometimes I get incredibly excited, and the words just come out all fucked up. I don’t need someone poking fun at that.
- Be loving, and kind.
I have accepted my condition, and I deal with it.
This is the main reason why I will NOT have a man in my life that brings frustration, or aggravation. I physically cannot handle that, nor do I want to.
To be honest, it is pretty easy to help someone through an episode, you just have to take the time to listen, to care, and to love.
Then it passes, just like all storms.
How The Fashion Industry has Fat People Fkd Up
I have to honestly say – that over the past two years – I have really kind of started paying attention to the fashion industry. I mean I always wanted to look good, but being fat my entire life, the options available to women were pretty much drab and outdated.
I don’t know if I am going through some type of midlife crisis to where I am more concerned now than I have ever been with clothes, and probably because of the fact that I have been introduced to Torrid.
I would like to say first and foremost – this isn’t a sponsored ad, so this by no means is a boost Torrid post – this is just my own personal experience.
I look back through pictures – pre-Torrid, and I just look at myself like meh – yea – outfits LAME.
But really what options did we have? And then furthermore – I feel some type of way with companies in which their size 0-12 look fashionable and flirty – then you get to size 14-28 and it looks like we went back to 1990.
And do you know how crushing it is to walk into a store, and the only option you have is last winter, and winter circa 1965? I mean honestly people – fat people like colors, shapes, patterns, different. This is partly why I never enjoyed shopping. Not only was I dealing with self-image issues – but it is crushing when you see an absolutely adorable pop pink dress – but it is only available in misses. Your options are black, brown and grey. Exclusion – cause being fat means you don’t care about yourself – so here ya go – have you some left over last year lame ass outfit.
Like why just because I am fat, can I not also get that adorable dress in my size, with the curves adjusted for a woman with a rack, and ass, and stomach included for free? Like why do I have to look like an oompa loompa (no offense Willy) Monday thru Sunday? And Jesus please someone make some thongs that actually fit over this ass. I mean yea – I can find sizes that go around the waist – but I need something with some curve for the center string, so I am not digging the string out 900 times an hour. And don’t come at with me – get a bigger size – cause I have done that too, and you know what happens, I am pulling up two strings, and pulling out 1. Like someone help that situation.
Now I will have to say once I found Torrid, I realized there was someone who got us. I hope to see the trend continue throughout the industry.
Just because we are fat – does not mean we don’t want to look good.
I want to slay Monday Thru Sunday.
Thanks to Torrid though – I am looking Hella cute today 🙂
Balanced Life
Why do we invest so much time in caring for others, yet never invest in taking care of ourselves?
Self-care is just as important as caring for others. A balance of both makes a balanced life.
My Fat Flappers Went Flapping
I am sitting out back on my porch after uploading a lyric video blah blah blah, anyways – I caught a glimpse of my flabby arms in the video. I’ll be completely honest at first I was going to delete and redo, but then I was like hell nah – it took like 5 times starting and stopping cause of my playful pups, like I am NOT doing this again hahahaha. BTW side note, I give props to people who do videos, Idk if I’m just lazy or very unfamiliar with how to do all this stuff, or hell if I’m even doing it right. The shit is hard, and yall be looking good and I look fresh out Zephyrhills. Makes sense considering that is where I am from. Y’all Zephyrhellians don’t be coming at me either – y’all know exacty what I am talking about – tank top and messy bun wearing asses. Hahaha – including me. Anyways, back to these here arms of mine. Although not completely comfortable in them quite yet – I know I worked hard for these bitches. Like hard.
What I find crazy though – is my obsession with my arms didn’t come until AFTER I started losing weight. To be honest – my fatter arms looked better in some aspects – because at least they were a firm fat if that makes sense. Now I got these things that be making noises at 4:30 in the dam morning when I am jogging. Yeah – that is cute – but like I run at 4:30 in the morning – most of this area in sleep mode so flap on flappers.
And you know something – most of what I have been told by doctors and fitness experts? That really – you can’t do nothing about it unless you have surgery. Yeah – cause those always played out great for me (if you don’t get that reference you can find it in my previous post about thinning hair).
So ya know what – I’m gonna embrace it – cause these arms – I am grateful for – cause they work hard – whether it holding onto a combined weight of around 100+ pounds of tugging pups in the morning or typing out these words at 120 wpm – they working hard to look that way – high five fatty flaps!
A Mother’s Love
Poetry/ Poems by Me
These are in reference to my life. My daily struggle. We all have them. Being a mom – well dam like it is hard. When the baby daddy isn’t around – you have to figure it out all alone. I don’t regret one minute. It shapes us for who we are. Embrace it. Let go. Breathe.
Dudes be like nah it wasn’t me – Cheater Cheater
The link to the video is below, please check it out. You will also find some adorable videos of Marley and me 🙂
Fat and Fab My 200LB Loss
There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin. I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.
So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger. 423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6). I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner. I didn’t. I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.
Let’s go back to the begining. 2010. The year I had lap-band surgery. It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off. Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months. The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals). I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do. The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed. Now of course, I say that now.
Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later. A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.
Now here is some real shit. The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month. Now that sounds great. 31 and no more periods. Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight???? I sure the hell didn’t. I mean I got the basics. Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.
Guess when you find this out? After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier. According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc. They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!
I am not joking either. I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier. I was devastated. Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition. 40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds? Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down? How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for. So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further, I decided to hit the gym. It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.
I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point. Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life. I wanted better days. I wanted to wake up and not be in pain. I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself. So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid. I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess?? Well I didn’t. Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours. It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my kid was the one that paid the price. She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything. Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies. I wanted to give it to her. I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol. I just couldn’t. All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms? This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are. You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS. Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”. BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT
So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues. They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.
Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital. YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby. Found out I had developed gastroparesis. Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***
So fanfreakingtastic
Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong. You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds. You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS. Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through. Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits. Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.
Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down. I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!
I gave up. I really did. Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty. (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)
I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life. And really, was that so bad? I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned. At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.
The thing is – the misery never leaves. Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.
I wasn’t happy. I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things. I was ashamed of my body. I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me. What I had become.
There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens. I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it. She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative. She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it. My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.
I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year. There are quite a few years there. Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing. I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop. Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight. Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it. After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be. I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.
Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed. I grew tired of trying anymore. It got me thinking to. I was failing because I gave up to easily. I never stuck with it. Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground. Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it. Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.
The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface. What is the one thing we preach to our children? Don’t give up! So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal. She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout. Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard. I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be. I am not my weight.
I will not settle. I will not stop. I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.
Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.
Why Do We Stay In Dead End Relationships?
Probably for the same reason we stay in dead end jobs. Partly because we are lazy, and partly because it is comfortable. I speak from experience. I mean how many times does a man need to screw up before I am like okay – you need to go? Apparently quite a bit.
I have been trying to figure that question out for some time now. Being alone – it takes work. I mean sleeping alone in itself can be scary. Not to mention the feeling of abandonment when your used to your phone being blown up day in and day out.
We stay hopeful too. Like oh, he made a mistake, but he is going to change. And then as women we feel like we are raising this boy into a man – so we feel accomplished. What I have realized though – is when you have to be the boy’s momma – he will always make mistakes – and you will always be left cleaning up the mess.
How many times have you been disrespected in any capacity – and yet stayed – and have you ever asked yourself why?
I have come to know my reasons, and I will be candid.
First off – I like comfortable. From everything in life to my jammies to my relationship. I want a man to fit my lifestyle like a glove, don’t complicate shit for me – it will irritate me.
Secondly I never felt like I deserved more than what was in front of me. OMG I know, but hey self-realization is hard – but when you become honest with yourself – your life starts to come together.
Third – I am lazy – I would rather comfortable and knowing that the person in front of me is an ass hole over the next one that I don’t know – and I don’t know what they bring to the table – cause God knows the other switch outs didn’t play too good in my favor in the past.
Fourth – loneliness used to scare the shit out of me. Now I rather enjoy it – and often find that now it takes more work to be social than to be alone. This one is the hardest. Often times, we as women, we don’t give ourselves enough credit. I guess maybe from the teachings of Adam and Eve, we as women feel like we need a man to thrive, to survive, but I am here to tell you – I have been alone for the past 2 years – and it has been the hardest, most rewarding 2 years of my life. Learning to be alone – you realize how to love yourself.
Now the benefit to the 4th, is that when you are left alone, on your own, you learn your true strengths, and with that – the other 3 get cancelled out.
Being alone isn’t for the weak – cause God knows there would be times to where I didn’t feel like I could go on any longer alone, but you stay with your grind, and you figure shit out. The fear that I have now is that I am so happy in my own little world that I won’t let a man be a part of it hahahaha – they have a tendency to ruin things for me. Hahaha.
Relationships take work – but I have to tell all you beautiful bitches a secret.
People only treat you how you allow them to treat you.
Yea you heard me. PEOPLE ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO.
Repeat it again PEOPLE ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO
Speak up for yourself . USE YOUR WORDS. Express your feelings, we need to work on our own communication skills before we can expect our spouses to do the same.
We have become a society in which we are in constant need of fixing other people’s life – we don’t realize our own life needs some fixing.
Start with YOU, cause I promise in your quest to repair yourself – people filter themselves out naturally!!!!!!
Have a fabulous day my friends.
I Smell Cakes and Candy 