I Smell Cakes and Candy

The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing Relationship Redemption Round

Mental illness is something few wish to discuss, especially me considering in my younger years I would be incredibly private about my flaws.  I mean who isn’t. I guess I am at peace or in recovery stage so I am feeling up to discuss it. I discussed how my life was in fast forward in a previous post. There was so much that happened in my second marriage that I do not care to dwell or discuss, but there are a few things that I would like to, especially considering we are about to go into Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  And I am not going to bash or say bad things about my ex husband, because, he as well has his own mental illness he copes with. I do not excuse his behavior, but over the years – I started to understand why he was the way he was, and let’s be honest, I, as well have done some crazy ass shit so like I get it.

Sometimes life itself bears so much weight on our shoulders to where we feel like we are going to explode, well I felt that  for a very very long time. A ticking time bomb if you will. All that pressure, being a wife, a mother, an employee, a college student, the ceo, cfo, maid and the janitor of your own home.  The taxi driver, the birthday party make it happen with no money budget boss, school clothes getting, grocery getting, bill paying boss. I mean we freaking do it all right, like when do we breathe?  And don’t get it twisted, even with the in/out husband – I rarely had help with bills, he was more of the take you out to dinner once a week – and the rest went on where ever he was the night before. But again he had a flex schedule so he was able to take the kid to school.  Teamwork right?

So in the midst of all of that when do we breathe?  When do we have time to actually deal with any type of emotion or thought?  Well we don’t because we don’t have time and we forget to. You just take your licks, and you keep going, even though your heart feels like it is going to pop out of your chest before you even got your first cup of coffee in or the child to school, because you are running 15 minutes behind, and you promised your child you would braid her hair, and it’s raining, so traffic is going to suck, and it’s meeting day, and you already feel out of your league kind of morning, but you can’t breathe cause you got’s to go.  So you push through, to the school, to your job, to the school, to the rec center, go grab groceries while she is at practice, pick her up, take her home, homework, shower, practice, read, SNUGGLES. Sleep. Up. Repeat. This is our life. This is what we do. The weekends consist of repair the undone from the week. Laundry, the dishes scattered, scrub house down, mop on Saturday. Sunday comes and it is prep work for the week. Weekly groceries, rest of laundry you failed to do on Saturday because you got to watching a movie with bug because you as well, love Disney, so SNUGGGGLLLLESSSS.  Then it’s lunch prep, clothes prep, spend some time, and whatever else you have to do to prep for the week, and then catch another movie with bug cause SUNDAY SNUGGGLLLESSSS. YES I USE THAT HASHTAG ON IG FREQUENT, I STILL GET SNUGGLES FROM HER FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN SHE COMES AND VISITS. If your kids aren’t grown yet – you might not understand, but I do suggest daily snuggles. Lots of hugs, lots of jokes, and lots of ice cream, those things make kids happy, let your kids be happy – you will find it makes you happy. FYI We still do this. Yea say what you want cause we don’ts care! Come Saturday I get to see her and my momma, and Imma get me some snuggles from both, especially since my momma wanted to go to the emergency room last weekend via ambulance.  (I did warn you about this bouncy story stuff, just keep up – I know you can do it) BOTTOM LINE SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS GET OFF YOUR PHONES IPOD IPAD TABLET cause you will have plenty of time for that when they decide to be grown and leave you all alone with just the dog for company. YES I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. That is how I find the time now to do all this stuff and work. I miss having her here. A little more into that – we don’t really watch tv. We always did arts/ crafts/ dancing/ singing. We only watched movies. We didn’t have cable, so naturally. So at night time we would typically watch a movie maybe, sometimes none, just depended on what we were doing, but most of the time we were doing things like riding bikes, or hiking in the woods, have You Say When, etc.  Like typical things, we spent time together. To be honest for as poor as we were, she did get to experience a lot, and part of that was thanks to my ex husbands family. Yea our marriage was a complete disaster, but I did love his family. They came with trips to condos, and family outings, and it was about the only times that my husband and I could somewhat maintain a conversation without wanting to kill each other. We are completely volatile toward each other. So in these moments that we are doing family things, my daughter had a family, so you just dealt.

The words eventually don’t even hurt, you become numb, it’s just whatever at a point, because God knows it always progresses.  One minute it’s like you crying over a text, then a busted lip, then being in the hospital – you see progressive – and it happens like overnight.  You barely have time to deal with the one thing they do, before bam there is something worse, so now you are saying well the last thing wasn’t that bad – let’s deal with this – then bam – a new something worse.  Never any time to even really think about what is going on – to even realize like HEY STUPID DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GOING THROUGH HELLLOOOO. Nah cause you ain’t got time to hear that shit – you got to get the kid to the doctor’s and get to work, then you have class, and you only had 3 hours of sleep cause you was up arguing cause you mad, and he gonna change, and you feel like this time he done messed up so bad he had no choice but to change.  Yea girl how did that work out? Ha, that is that honeymoon phase all hear about.

So anyways.  Let’s get back to mental illness.  So with dealing with all of that – that fast paced chest – doctor’s call that anxiety.  Ha! Ya, since 1981. My overachieving but never accomplishing anything ass. Never feeling good enough, creates this anxiousness within myself, and that ladies and gentleman gets worse when you have a negative Nancy in your ear telling you all the reasons why you aren’t good enough.  Using physical attributes to shut down any type of positivity. Come out the room looking hella cute – just not his kind of hella cute. I would try to show him the goods, and he would be like – have you noticed that your thighs have even more dimples. Wow thanks ass.

So yea – you get torn down, and you just say screw it this is life, and you just let go – and let it become you.  This is your life, you make the best of it, and you are married, and through thick or thin right, and nah screw that.  If it is bad, and violent – gtfo NOW.

Now another thing you will have to also understand – he often disappeared.  He chose to live the free life of come and go as you please – there are lots of bars along the way, and we often split, multiple times,  A YEAR. The splits would get longer in between – but often would end up back because like family, and I was out there alone, I was getting close to losing my job because place wouldn’t open till 630, had to be there at 8, traffic would also be just like whoa, and you don’t leave the school till close to 7 by the time they open the gate, turn the lights on, open the doors, walk your kid to the far back of the school, cause that is where the library is, and walk back to your car.  Your starting to run late – and your boss has already talked to you – and your husband works construction – so he can do whatever he wants really – he knew his shit on the job – so he always had some play on his schedule – and for a time even ran his own little thing. And I would also like to add – although him and I were not good – he did an okay job playing dad from time to time. That was early morning during the weekdays when he had to limit his hangout times because of work hahaha.  He would often do things with her – and they often had a great time together. I mean he is an ass – but he did love her.

So anyways, this anxiety – this pressure, this is my illness.  I still have it to this day, but not near as bad as it used to be.  You see all the pressure from life, then having the pressure within the home.  The fear of expression, whether it be with words, art, creativity, ideas, thoughts, that is what caused my mental illness to be so bad.  

Not only are some people programmed to be incredibly critical – society as a whole – we are critical.  We often feel compressed, minimized because what we have to say, or what we have to express, it might not fit in the confines of what the next person might agree with.  And we are judged, characterized, and forever remembered by one single action or idea, to be followed with bashing and hate. And we do it to each other, it is not one over the other, we all do this.  We bitch about being judged, and with the next breath judge the next.

I still suffer from it – because we all have things that we worry about – the difference is – I am able to be expressive now, and that is part of the healing.  The walking, the writing, Marley (my labrabull), all these things are my healing blocks.

We need to as a whole, stop with that.  Now I am NOT SAYING KEEP SOME DUMBASS IN YOUR LIFE.  What I am saying is that when you are with someone – allow them the freedom to be themselves, so that you can also be yourself.  That way no one feels confined in the relationship so you can find happiness. Some people will have to go through the single route to find it like myself – because there was only his way, and I refuse for it to be that way.  It should be a path drawn by both for both, so that both can enjoy this life.

Release some of those shaken soda cans – and breathe, express, create, be YOU – the ones that are left are the ones that get to see the sparkle and shine when you are done making your masterpiece.  Let’s work on learning love, acceptance, and discovery. Hell you never know – maybe the things your husband/or wife enjoys outside of y’alls phones might get ya closer. Some of us will have to even figure out what we even like to do (this is me hahaha).

Till next time you beautiful brains 🙂

I had seen a meme about a woman trying to seduce her husband while he was watching TV.

I have never understood that. like if your woman is trying to be sexy, why do men have to act like they don’t see shit? Men and monkey game shit.

You know what that does? It causes her to feel like she isn’t sexy, then a few years later the man will say, you never get sexy for me anymore.

Well no shit Sherlock. It takes a lot for someone to feel comfortable in their own skin, so when a man ignores a woman’s advances it makes a woman feel ugly.

Yet these are often also the same men cheating with the hag from the corner too. Hahahaha. Like the kitty purring, why do y’all ignore that but then go pet someone else’s kitty? Like what is wrong with y’all in the head for real?

Thank God women love petting their own kitties.

Hahahaha happy weekend bitches.

I am going to switch gears and eventually I will have these set up in series because there are different parts of my life that I would like to share and one of them is being almost 40 and single.

I know OMG a woman’s worst nightmare – just not mine.  I have friends that tell me “oh you will find the right one when the time is right”.  Well in order to find the right you must be looking, and that ladies and gents that is the furthest thing from my mind.  I am not looking, and to be quite frankly even when one shows up – I do my best to run them off.

OH MY GOD I KNOW HOW HORRIBLE

But let me explain.

I am 37 years old.  A grown child, and two failed marriages along with a relationship that would send me over the edge.  So let’s bring that total up to 3.  A piece of paper doesn’t determine the amount of bulllshit one goes through in relationship.  Married or not – a relationship is a relationship.  Commitment is commitment.

Now I am not going to go into a relationship bashing contest or how wrong I had been done blah blah blah cause we have all heard it before.  The one thing that was the common denominator in each failed relationship was me.  I was the common issue.  My choices in men generally has to do with a fixer up project because you know I like to fix things.  I am a woman that has always been torn in between the morals and values of a family that was incredibly traditional and a woman that was raised to stand on her own and that worked hard.  A combination of qualities that later in life I would see as a challenge in a relationship.

You might think to yourself how does traditional and working hard cause a conflict in behaviors or demeanor.  Well, you hear about tom boys, and well we are a challenge for the male population, and I will explain why.

While I have a very boyish side to my personality that includes biking, camping, fishing, mudding, video games, I also have a very girly side too.  You see growing up I had mostly boys by my side – and was raised in the sticks – so outside was where we played.  Doing these things not only is nostalgic – but it helps to this day grow that connectivity to my father and to my child hood (my dad passed away in 2004).  Now a man says, hey this sounds great – she likes to do stuff guys like to do.  And that stands true for most men, but I am complex.  I am not easy.  I am also a workaholic.  And that got worse the older I got.

Hey a woman that works hell yes!  Till you are realize you dealing with a woman who is at the end of the day kind of a bitch.  You see each man in my life was put at the end of the list.  And most men that deal with a single mom – well they aren’t easy to deal with.  For one, they don’t need you.  They rely on very few people, and if they aren’t with the child’s father – you best believe you are going to be dealing with some “my child more important that you, therefore my job is more important than you”.  Sounds kind of cold, but at the end of the day – it didn’t matter who I was texting on my phone – my child had to be fed.  My first husband was my daughters dad.  That marriage was incredibly short, 2 years.  Got married at 18, really a shot gun wedding.  Divorced at 20.  My kid’s dad – he was only 17 when we got married, so the financial responsibilities were really left to me, and we lived on our own once I graduated high school, and got married, so you can just imagine how exhausting that was.  Turned 18 in May, graduated in June, married in July, baby in August.  Now that isn’t the order my parents preferred of course.  They did it the right way, knew each of for 2 weeks, got married on the 3rd and was married till the day my Dad died.  We were young, too young for marriage, too young to be parents, but you play the cards that you are dealt, often from the same deck you shuffled.

After the marriage ended, I was on my own, living on my own at that.  Even though the ending of the marriage was needed, I still felt like a failure, so I was determined to show my family that a husband didn’t define me, so I set out to do all the things I had set out to do.  Enrolled in college, worked at a high school, also at an assisted living facility.  Bills were high, daycare was expensive. We struggled. When you struggle for a while out in the world, with a child, completely on your own, then you get a different view of life, and since my pride would always be in the way, we struggled more than we really had to.

Well this goes on for a little over a year –  but hey I am making it.  Tired but making it, never seen my kid though.  She was in and out of daycares and paid family members so I could put food on the table.  Two jobs, going to school, all to prove I wasn’t a failure.  Then a guy comes along, at a very sensitive time in my life.  One I thought came to save me.  Well some ships look great on the outside, but once on board you find out the engine blown, and the ship starts to sink shortly after, but you ride it out much longer till it finally sinks completely because at least you were on a  boat.

A man that had the family backing for the potential to be a great captain but lacked the maturity for sustainability in any relationship.  A man that was more concerned about the party down the road over the fact that the milk jug was empty and the rent was due.  I found myself still taking care of everything on my own, and God knows me and that man did not get along, but it wasn’t all him.  A woman that doesn’t need a man, well she is hard to deal with cause she won’t put with your shit.  Even though I found myself putting up with his immaturity and his combative behavior much longer than I should have – but not for him.  For that traditional lifestyle we were able to play off at holidays.  Sounds stupid, but then again, is any marriage perfect?  I mean I already went through one marriage and divorce and found myself willing to be a little more flexible in the things that I would accept in the second one.  The voice in my head of the elder saying “remember a marriage needs work, you got to work at it, people make mistakes”.  Going into a second marriage makes you soft and hard all at the same time.

I stayed in this crazy, catatonic, relationship for roughly 10 years – then comes along the skiff.  You know this little boat that comes to rescue you from the sinking ship.  Yea I am going to use that as a reference – and it isn’t something that I have hidden, yes I had an affair.

Yea judge it.  You weren’t there – and at least I was always honest about it.  I am not joking either.  I never hid it from it from the husband.  I, at least owed that to him, especially since 2 years before he had at least enough respect to call me while I was at the flea market with my family to inform me that while he was supposed to be prepping for a job, he slept with a mutual friend.  Hey honesty is key.  I think at first he didn’t believe me, til I brought my friend to the house for a Halloween party.  I know odd shit right.  Again, you weren’t there.  And my new friend – was actually JUST A FRIEND AT THE TIME.  But I was giving this man my mental attention – he was a soft voice in a loud world, but some men – they thrive on feeling like a savior – and once you are saved, you hold little to no value, and I would find that I preferred loud and honest – over soft and secretive.  I was in my early 30s.  My husband – he really wasn’t interested in me anymore – and was more of an obsession over anything else.  He didn’t really care – and physically – that relationship had ended 2 years prior.  Cheating does something to me mentally – and I never really do get over it – but I wouldn’t realize that till much later in life.

The third and final lasted around 6 years.  My husband would eventually find his way into a bar – to never find his way home.  My friendship with my new young savior converted over to yet another failing relationship.  And do you know why?  Because relationships that are built on broken ones always ends up caving.  Both of us had just ended our relationships, and the friendship we had built was so strong – that it was great – for little bursts.  When it was good – it was good and when it was bad it was bad.  And the one thing I was always terrified of was being alone.  The best thing with the 3rd was that we could laugh.  Face to face things would always be great – but when I was away – he loved to play.

Well all that playing – would always surface because I am not the type of woman you can really lie to.  And to be frank – you really can’t be doing that shit anymore.  Your phones are your lie detectors, and a smart person – they know to scope into your stuff.  Plus, again – let me touch base on the fact I was raised with mostly boys – I know how some of y’all think – and honestly those creeping skills needed some work – and of course – he had him a baby momma – and those are always fun.  One thing is for sure – she loved to rat him out – hahaha.  It wasn’t all his fault either, he had trust issues too because of how we met, and for him he thought it was almost unbelievable that I never lied about him or his place in my life.  I understood that, cause even thinking back – I am like well dam.  I believe in honesty, although never honest with myself.

So now we are caught up on the 3 and final, we come to the ending of the relationship roundups, we will move into single life.  The 3rd relationship ended the day before Independence Day 2016.  You might say to yourself – dam that was a while ago, but as you can tell – there were was only about 2 years from 18 to 35 in which I had been single and even in those years – there was a few 3 – 6 month relationships in between.  Again that fear of really being alone, and having no one to turn talk to in those nights you are lonely.

Well I moved into a house – by the grace of God.  Almost like fate because I was to be honest – kind of homeless.  That relationship ended abruptly – and really I had no where to live – but it was time for it to end, and thank God for a work friend because she was nice enough to let me rent out a house she had up for sale.  Fate, something that was feeling very thin – cause really at this point feeling like a failure in so many ways when it came to relationships.  One thing I was good at though – working.  When I first moved into the house – I was so busy trying to fill the house.  I had gotten rid of most of what I had owned because I had lived with the 3rd and final – and storage was expensive so I kept downsizing.  Financially strapped, one income home, two bellies to feed.

It wasn’t easy.  Financially strapped, one income home, two bellies to feed. A thing one night sitting across from my daughter, I realized we mostly ate dinner alone, and that hadn’t changed in 17 years.  A night that would change my outlook.  Why keep chasing when I had all I needed right in front of me? I was dealing with an emotional rollercoaster within myself caused by the constant chaos of the relationships I would get myself involved in. So many things happening – so many things going in within your heart.  Breakups aren’t easy – and dealing with a self-image issue – well emotions can really get the best of you.  I was busy – so it helped – but learning how to sleep alone – those are the nights you learn to keep a towel for your tears under your pillow.  But something happens, just like a deep cut – it heals.  Day in day out – the pain gets better.  The shit is temporary.  You and your body – it is an ever changing vessel.  Just as the tissues around a cut begin to reattach itself to heal – a heart that is LEFT ALONE will mend and heal – getting stronger with each day.  And I say LEFT ALONE because we are so quick to jump from one life straight into the next – never giving the heart time to rest leaving ourselves tired and leaving ourselves putting up with shit we NEVER should in any relationship.

The thing that I have noticed though, when a person is left alone, if they take the time, they begin to discover who they are.  Getting used to the quiet was difficult – something that coming from a large and loud family from birth – that was unheard of hahaha.  Sounds corny – but it is true.  I never allowed myself to discover who I was as an adult.  I became a wife and a parent at such a young age – that I never had the time to discover what I liked in life.  When you have a child your life becomes them.  What they like, you like because you are serving your purpose as a parent. But what happens when they grow up and they are becoming their own person?  Like not only was I dealing with failed relationships but in the blink of eye my daughter became an adult and took off for her own adventure.  You no longer have a child coming up behind you saying “mom lets go”.  Some thing that was harder than any relationship – because really like I said – those never really stood a chance next to my daughter.  I felt her heart beat within my body – there is no other bond stronger.

It got quieter and quieter here, some thing I started to grow into and almost enjoy.  I miss my daughter like crazy – and of course in regards to her I would love for her to move back home.  It is the “other” quiet though.  The emotional quiet.

You see I found myself peace – but not by choice, but I didn’t resist either.  At any given point – I could have resisted the quiet and chose to get into another unsatisfying relationship – but I know that isn’t what I want.  I enjoy going to bed now and not questioning the intentions of the one laying next to me.  I am no longer wondering where my husband is.  I no longer have the expectations of being a wife.  No longer having debates, no longer staying up late.  You see, I stopped taking care of everyone and finally started taking care of myself.  And in doing that I am becoming a better me.  A stronger me.  It isn’t always easy.  I do get lonely – but lets get real for just a minute.  We have become a society in which commitment, honor, respect, are all a fading fad.  Deceptive behavior is the common norm now, and that just isn’t a game I am willing to participate in.  I would rather snuggle up next to my pitty and sleep soundly that next to someone who is not filling my soul with a satisfying love cause a peaceful soul is a solid soul.

Being Single Does Not Mean I am Not Satisfied