Life Update I’m fkng Tired hahahaha😎💯😎💯😎😂

I figured since my phone was dead I would actually get some writing done. I know that I have been bombarding my blog with Youtube and SoundCloud – and I actually do feel kind of bad about that. I haven’t been writing as much as I have been rapping, singing and doing my own music promos. I have been doing my best to try to find a happy median with it all. It is hard. I still work full time – still have a house to run – and the limitations I have been facing with my phone and lack of cable/internet at home has been surfacing. Things I do plan on changing but when you are on a limited budget certain non-essential items are just not a priority. I don’t consider cable or internet really a necessity – despite the fact that I run 9 different outlets, not including making music, from a MetroPcs phone and their unlimited service that includes hotspot.

Hey I make it work – but I am finding a frustration in the fact that it takes a lot longer when you are doing EVERYTHING from one battery hahaha – MY PHONE STAYS ON CHARGE lmao.
I mean we make due right? I mean after all – most consider a lot of this just really a hobby – although – the music – that – that would be a dream job. But I mean it’s A LOT of people’s. And a lot of people who carry not only experience – but grand talent. I, on the other hand, I am just a smart ass woman who has spent the last two years picking up the shattered pieces of the remains of multiple bad relationships. Combine that with my secret love for rapping poetry and bam – you have me hahaha.
People always say “it isn’t you” blah blah – bullshit when you go through a bad breakup. I will say – it was me. I mean after all – let’s really get to the real deal side of things – the only common denominator in the relationships – was me. Now I am a realist – and even about myself – so some self reflection is necessary.
Let me be real – I was unhappy with myself. This fake happiness that I lived – was only to ever be cured by that of a man, that in some way – I would never be whole if I didn’t have someone to love me. Well that is hog shit frfr. This insecurity, unhappiness within myself – this pours over into a relationship. Then add my OCD, and my independent, but attention needy, oh and of course my anxiety – ha – I AM A HANDFULL. I say that – but really – people like me are easy to deal with if you just do some real simple things. Pay attention to behaviors/moods – talk – and allow us to talk – without feeling defensive – and respect our space – and our OCD. If you know someone has OCD – don’t leave your shit strung through the house – OCD and anxiety hand in hand for almost all who have either/or.
The thing is I always liked fixer up men. You know, the ones that are broken, made me feel less broken. A crutch for a crutch and yet we both walking on broken legs.
Now listen, we are all broken in some way – to say that life hasn’t ever hit you hard, at least by your 30s – then well – you are special. For the rest of us though – that is a reality – we have all been hurt in some capacity. There is a difference though I would like to speak about. For a long time I thought my broken heart needed to be fixed by a man. I mean – that is what most of us think. When we have a failed relationship – we are quick to hop into the arms of another to “heal” from the last one. But really this isn’t what happens. What we do – is carry the pain from one relationship over into the next. We carry our fresh insecurities, our fresh pain, so we come into the relationship on the defensive.
Now there are times where this has worked for people – so for those that are reading this – and are like no – my significant other saved me – blah blah – hey I get it – and maybe they did – but most of the times – the savior is not a saint – just a different kind of demon. Hear me out though. Trust me – a few years ago – I would say the same thing.
We are going to continue the reference to a broken bone because it can give you a visual – and for some – maybe something to consider if and when you go through a separation. I think of breakups now like a broken bone. Say you break your arm – you aren’t going to go and lift weights the same day are you? We give our extremities more time to heal – then we do our souls. And really think about that for a minute. Our heart – our emotions – our thought control – our mindset – all things that get disrupted when a relationship comes to an end. And yet most people are back out on the market the same day – or hell sometimes in the same hour. I am guilty of this myself. I can’t speak about it if I haven’t been through it. I mean people do – but there is reality and then there is fiction.
These are the facts of my life – and I have accepted the things I have done. I am analytical though – and I have analyzed my life – a lot – over the past two years – and I know where I have went wrong.
I have been out there playing the game with a broken soul expecting a man to patch it -and yet – the answer was never any of them.
Unfortunately it was this last relationship that really did it in for me. No, not abusive, just an abusive liar. That it itself – is emotionally abusive – and I would never know the toll that would take it on me – until after I realized how much people really do lie. It was like a deep depressing thing for a while. I can’t tell you how many times I would ask a question just to hear what kind of response I was going to get. I always knew the answer before asking – but to just see the ability for someone to look at me in the eyes – swear on their everythings that they were telling the truth – it was just psychologically intriquing to me. No quilt, no remorse – just a retribution of anger for being “nosey and controlling”. Oh yea – I am controlling alright – you sticking your dipstick into my engine – yea I am old school – no secrets – no side chilling with your exes like it’s your Auntie. Like it was the weirdest shit – cause like after a while the shit didn’t even hurt – and like his ex used to text me with screenshots so like he never really got away with anything – and yet – I still stayed when I shouldn’t have. I often laughed the shit off – but like it leaves you feeling like what the hell??? Like I think back to some of the shit I stayed through – and really baby giirrrrlll what was I thinking????
The reality of that relationship though – reality about life – reality about standing alone to set myself out differently until my expectations are met. Not just my expectations in my future spouse but my expectations of myself.

I will no longer mold and bend to create the perfect spouse. I come now as is. And I won’t put up with negativity when it comes to my artistic side. I had a tendency to lay my desires in the artistic field to rest while in relationships – mainly because of negative feedback – but now – I watch and listen for that in the very beginning. My music is different – my art is different – I need someone that will be supportive of that – and genuine about it – otherwise I don’t want them in my life. My art is my outlet – and it is the only way for me to feel whole – and I am not just talking about the music – the cakes, the paintings – the crazy outfits – all of it.

Creating a happy life on my own has allowed me the chance to be happy – and accepting of myself. This has allowed me to understand what kind of relationship would actually make me happy – and some can say that I live in a fantasy world – well this world is better than accepting less than I deserve 🙂 we happy here – someone will eventually want to come along for the ride.

Ryda

Right now my focus is my music. The overwhelming response on the music side – and the fact that I am picking up the beats pretty quick – I don’t know – I would love to see where this could take me. So i will continue to push it – cause I feel like I found my “thing” hahaha.
Till next time my lovelies

I’m on Keto and I still eat carbs 🤔 and still losing weight (explained)

So for those that have been around you know that I have dropped another 80 pounds this year bringing my total weight loss to 230 pounds.

And I still eat carbs 🤔

Here’s the thing though. I have made keto a part of my life. Once you do this you do incorporate some carbs in some capacity.

I generally stick to a 5/2 method and intermediate fasting 🤗

The 5/2 method basically means that during the work week, I typically stay on a very low carb diet, but on the weekends though I do what I want.

I still don’t have a lot of sweets and my carbs normally consist of potatoes.

I actually don’t really enjoy pasta anymore. The texture is a little off setting which is crazy because everyone knows I’ve always been a pasta lover.

I am doing what works for me.

If you are trying to lose weight, first don’t put so much emphasis on it. Don’t get discouraged when the scale doesn’t move. Continue to modify your diet till you find what works for you and doesn’t make you feel like you aren’t living.

I eat y’all, I just changed what I eat 💯💯

Switched sugar for Stevia.

Lowered carbs.

Started walking 💯

No pills, no crash dieting just healthy habits.

Am I Being Lied to? Hell am I lying to myself?

Yesterday was a pretty tough day for me.  Mainly because of some family issues that rose up, then of course the kick back of negativity yesterday in regards to my music, and my choice in music.  A racially motivated comment, followed by a religiously motivated comment, followed by a Youtuber that had formed his own opinion and quite frankly simply wanted to let me know that I can’t rap.  Now I will say that most people have been supportive of my music, but yesterday in particular I got hit back to back with negativity.  Now I am a strong woman – so the negative stuff – it’s really just their thoughts and opinions, and by no means do I let these comments or feedback get me down.  I analyze the data at hand.  I review it – and that is at the point that I am at now.  If the data is not working – then some recalculating is in order.

Now I am not going to stop making music for anyone, but maybe I should stop sharing it.  A lot of people that are new – and listen – they don’t get the back story.  The story that starts with me on August 23, 2018 with my first talk through poetry video.  In two months, I have over 4k views on Youtube, and 1k on Soundcloud, and also received Singer Spotlight for Bandlab in November.

But let’s be honest – my views are so high because I push my music.  No, I don’t send it to people, I post it – and a lot as well.

I am getting hit from all different avenues with the negative stuff.  An old white male – stuck in the 20’s with his “just because you date black people doesn’t mean you’re a rapper” – which is like WTF – first off – I am not dating anyone, and furthermore; I am not only color – blind – but I fall in love with souls.  I have no gender or race preference.  If you treat me with love – I treat you with love.

What makes a person a person, is most definitely not on the outside.  Your thoughts, your emotions, and your heart – they are all internal.  What you look like on the outside has no bearing or affect on what kind of human being you are.

 

Finding my voice has been amazing – but the negativity – although anticipated – really does make you question what you are doing.  I guess this is that cross roads path a lot of singers talk  about.

I know my music is different, and raw – unedited (kind of the point) but maybe it is so different – that maybe it isn’t for the world.  Maybe this music should only be for me.

Till next time…….

I’ll Keep you posted about the Single Mother Shuffle….

 

 

 

Fat and on the Mat

Fat thighs, pretty eyes, you will never get away with lies. 😄😄😄😄😄

Hahaha I love starting my mornings with Yoga 😎 especially considering I’m in my jammies still hahahaha

I also like to multi task. 😄 Stress relief, back pain relief, clarity, mindset. All in 30 minutes 😂 cause I’m a busy Momma and I got lots to do 😍😍😎😍😎

Yep Fat and on the Mat 😂😂😂

Bet I flex tho hahahahahahaha 😃😂😎😎😎

In other news 🤔 them curves 😘😘😘😘😎😎

Seriously tho even being fat, yoga has been a life saver. Often times my back is killing me from doing my heavy hitting combo of sitting in an office for 8 hours followed by standing for another 8 hours. My relief is yoga.

Now if you have been following me, I often talk about finances. I am poor and I found some free fantastic yoga videos on YouTube 😎

And like Adriene is absolutely amazing. She has videos for every kind of ailment 😂

If you have mental health issues, body pain, stress, then get you some. Even being fat, she gives you alternative positions for us larger ladies. I swear you will never feel better if you give Yoga a chance.

I have attached her link below 😂😎

This one is the one I do most often but she also has so many others. And for those that are new, do the 30 day, so you can learn the positions 😂😎😂 happy centering yourself 😎🤗😎Yoga With Adriene

Running Game? You thought! My Relationship Revenge

Running Game

Ever had someone who you were with that thought they were running game?  But you had already known – and in fact were running game every since you had found out?

I am a reactive person.  So however you treat me – you are going to get it back.

Now I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but I consider it more of a life lesson.  I came into a relationship with honesty and loyalty.  I catch you slipping, and I am going to make you feel stupid.

I make sure that person knows too.  I only play along for a certain amount of time, then bam! I bust it wide open with the truth, including what I was doing.

Kind of goes like this:

Him:  Hey baby

Me: Heyyyy

Him:  Wanted to see if you could swing by tonight.

Me:  Oh, yea sure, but it would have to be after this date.

Him:  What date – what the fuck are you talking about?

Me:  Oh, so you know how you had went to the movies with Tammy 3 weeks ago?  Yea I heard that movie was pretty good, so when Jarrod asked me on a date – I figured I would watch the same one.

Him:  What the fuck?  Who is Tammy, what the fuck are you talking about.

Me:  sends picture

architecture building business cinema

Photo by Nathan Engel on Pexels.com

 

Him:  Look she is just a friend.

Me:  Oh yea and so is Jarrod, but really hoping to make him a friend with benefits.

Him:  You’re a fucking bitch.

Me:  Yes I know – maybe next time you will think twice before you take your date to the movies where 1 of my (900) cousins works at.

Yes I know it is awful.  But someone needs to turn this little boys into men, and maybe they will at least think twice before next time.

We all know he still looking over his back.

HAHAHA

Boy BYE!

 

 

Singer SPOTLIGHT in BandLab so happy I’m shaking

BandLab Blog Post

Please take a moment to read 🤗🤗🤗

You guys I am just absolutely in love with how they completed the article interview.

Please take a moment to read, you might find out some interesting things 🤗🤗🤗

Love Lies

It really does right?

I mean how many times have you mean in a relationship, and felt as though it was a Firestorm of emotions, only to be left feeling like what the fuck?

Firestorm is a nickname I had given myself for my fierce attitude and flaming red hair.  I mean if you knew me you would really understand.

We will completely and utterly crush our own soul just to have some type of involvement with a man – just so we won’t be alone.  And I know I am not the only female that has done this.  I have legit sat across from a man – and listened to him – while in my head I say to myself  “Why do I subject myself to such a destructive, demeaning, narcissistic dick head?”  And for what?  For that chair not to be empty?

I mean yeah – now – I am like nah – I don’t even want anyone to look at the chair.

But this was kind of along the transitional phase.  Then there is those few attempts I have made at dating.  And let me tell you how the one that was just like wow went.  So yeah – I met a guy on POF – for the sake of the story we will come him Lemon.  Well Lemon and I met for our first date – it went great – like really great – but then came the second date.

And let me tell you how it went downhill so fast.  Now listen there was a dry spell – so yea I had slept with him the first night we met in person.  Jesus I know – I’m a whore.  What ever, we all know half y’all are on Tinder, despite half y’all denying it  And no different then meeting someone at the bar – at least I had talked to him for a while before I let him come to the castle.

Anyways – it was great – then like yea – second date.  Where it all went wrong.  And the aftermath has me, to this day, quite nervous to even test the water in the dating pond.

So we go over to his house and then I realized yep THIS IS WHY I AM FUCKING SINGLE

Like let’s start off with the fact – that him and his mom live together.  Now listen – I get it – no sense in having your own place – financial – etc – BUUUTTT

If you live with your family – and intend on the person staying the night – I don’t know – how the f a woman supposed to be comfortable rocking the rodeo if your momma, is 5 feet down the hall.  Legit, 5 feet.  In a condo.  That he supposedly “co-owned” with his mum.

WHICH WAS A LIE

Now listen ladies.  I have be single for a while.  But dead ass, I don’t give a dam how much fun a man is, if you come through and I cantch you in even the smallest lie, your done.  Like done done done done…  The crazy thing is – if he would have told me he was in a financial bind, I would have understood.  There was nothing to be shameful about.  I struggle, like dam I get it.  There is no shame in struggle, only in deception.

I will never be desperate enough to let a man into my soul with impure intent, deception by any manner goes to the quality of your morals.  If you “casually” lie – I know what you are about.  And the truth always comes out – cause I am fkng paying attention.

But it didn’t stop there.  I mean I could almost understand why he wouldn’t have been forthcoming with that, due to ego.

Nah – that would be too easy right.  The second failed moment – was when I was asking a question about the mural on the wall in the hallway – and he had disregarded it and actually said “shut up”.  Like wow ass – like I am trying to learn – I am trying to engage – and you are just like shutting me down.  Now he was laughing when he said it – but he wasn’t really playing, and you could tell – cause he changed the subject immediately to an interest that better suited him.  Like my ass.  Which yea it is pretty dam great – but I like engagement on more than a physical matter, so when you shut me down with something that is sexually related, I knew what he was about.

And here is the thing, I have already went through a controlling relationship – I have healed, so the first sign of control is shutting down, or belittling someone so that they feel weak and unloved, so that they never leave.  It is manipulation at it’s finest.  And I am not the type of woman – this has to be done to.  I don’t need a variety pack of men to feel happiness. Clearly I have none, and I am incredibly happy without – so unless you are able to let me be who I am and enjoy life, then you won’t be in my life.  #facts

 

 

 

 

 

Fat to Fit in Fast Forward – Transforming Life

See the transition

Attached you will see some of the transitional workout pictures.  I am so blessed to be where I am at today with my weightloss journey.

Consistency is Key

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