Creating calm during the chaos…

It’s been 3 weeks since I have last worked.  The transition absolutely a roller coaster.  My C-PTSD calmed.  The demons lying dormant right now.  I’ve always considered myself a pretty flexible person; however I would say that lately not feeling as flexible.  Something during therapy I have realized it is just part of my threshold capacity right now.  I’ve allowed people to pounce on me for too long to where now I just feel like I will strike back at any given point.  It is also a confusing time.  There is one side of me that sees the benefits of all of this – then there is the other side that sees the destruction in it.  Something I have dealt with my entire life.  I don’t look at a decision or a choice and see good vs bad.  I look at a situation and I analyze it fully and cover it from all sides to make the best choice possible; however with this – I felt as though there wasn’t really a choice.  My mental health, my physical health – both just worn the fuck out.

Through the therapy sessions, and looking back to my physical health it kind of all makes since.  I was 31 when I had to have my hysterectomy, diagnosed with gastroparesis not too far behind that.  My hysterectomy caused from adhesions.  Adhesions that were inverting my ovaries.  I look back and wander, is that from the kicks to the gut?  Do adhesions even get created that way?  Gastroparesis – stomach paralyzed, is that from the same thing?  Or is that from the hysterectomy?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that trying to figure out that out gives me a fucking headache.

The shit going on in the world – terrifying.  People dying left and right.  Here in Georgia we are on a stay at home recommendation.  Essential services only.  Greg now, the only one providing.  I am still working.  Working from home – pushing music.  The only source of income I have right now.  And that income – .67 last month.  Granted this months numbers will look a lot better – but indie artists – we only get paid per play – and only about half a cent per play, so as you can imagine – it takes thousands of plays to make any sort of income.  We did take $100 of my last paycheck from my last job to purchase some of the things we need for my Calming Chaos bath essentials line.  Something I have dreamed of always running.  That along with the bakery.  I should be getting the ingredients this week so I can start production.  I would like to build up a decent inventory so that I can get the product produced and ready for shipment once the economy is doing better.  Of course if everything else in my life doesn’t fall apart in the midst of it.  I have all these visions – all that could be woven together very nicely – but finding the funding for the inventory – especially when I can’t even afford my bills right now is so difficult.  The Calming Chaos line – my vision for that – a line of handcrafted bath essentials that soothe the soul through the chaos of one’s own mind, or the world.  Goes in hand with my bakery.  Which goes in hand with the music.  There are things that some times we don’t recognize because we are too busy – but smells, colors, sounds – they can all have the effect on the human mind in ways we could never imagine.  These 3 things that I love so much, music, baking, and creating things that calm chaos.  That is what I am good at, and that is what I need to be doing, or I will never be successful.  I don’t want to be at home sitting on my ass living off of the state.  I want to work, create, but with my physical and mental conditions it has to be in an environment that works for me.  Working from home is really my only option at this point.

That realization I have been more and more accepting of.  Especially as I walk through my day and I am able to pay attention to my physical health.  I really did push as far as I possibly could go with my body, and I can tell I may have taken it a little too far.  Yesterday – I had to change clothes 3 times.  It is embarrassing.  My kidneys weak from the flushing I have to do to get my food to move from my stomach down.  Like how fucking embarrassing.  “Hey honey, can you grab me some new shorts and panties please”  Something Greg has been so understanding.  For me though, even typing it, gets me tearing up.  I’m 38.  My body limited control on all faculties, including my emotions.  There are days to where I do nothing but wish my body, my mind, my heart all worked normally.  After a while you just feel like you are a shell of broken pieces.  All just being held together with the slightest bit of hope that things will get better.  After a while – even that hope is barely holding together.

There has to be more though.  No one can look at me and tell me this was it.  This was my life.  A life full of pain – no.  There has to be more.  I work too hard not too.  Even being at home, I’m still working my ass off.  Each and every day there is at least 14 hours of hard work being devoted into my future.  Each day I get up, I get on the computer and work in between constant stretching, bathroom breaks, and puppy cuddles.  Not sure if I spend more time at the computer or in the bathroom – but even in the bathroom – I work from in there as well, the great thing about a cell phone.  I can do everything I need to do for my music, and social networks from my phone while in there.  Over the last three weeks – I have made some pretty impressive moves with all networks.   I haven’t had numbers like I do right now on Soundcloud since That’s Some Shady Shit was released.  I dropped a few tracks – and even completed a collab after almost a year of them waiting.  I’ve been able to go back through and clear out several clusters of messages dating back to October 2018 when the music all started.  I got all the online set ups completed for I Smell Cakes and Candy for Georgia.  Been sitting up affiliate program applications.  Live shows.  Basically clearing out all the clutter so that I can make the Momma Rapper Music a firm and profitable brand.  I’ve been able to be more interactive on all platforms and even getting seen by some mainstream artists and actors – which is pretty awesome.  Those pennies though won’t pay our bills.  Greg and I both believe that once my ideas are up and running – we will prosper – but we won’t prosper at all if we are homeless.  A stress that many in America can feel right now, and that a lot are scared of right now.  The more I try to not be on disability – the more it seems to be the only option.  I can’t work for someone that expects me to commit to a designated amount of time.  Taking calls like a call center won’t work because just like in typing this out – I have been to the bathroom 7 times.  I type 120 wpm – and yet – this has taken twice the amount of time to complete because of the constant breaks.  Working for myself is the only option, or doing something that is done at my own time, not in a vehicle, and something I can break away from at any given point.  For all that – I can work for myself.  I know I can do this – I just got to figure out the way.  I know I will.  This is my time.  This is the time to where I stop working for someone else for pennies on the dollar and start making real money.  My pain, my broken body, that won’t stop me.  This will be a long road – but I will figure it out.  I always have.  I was 18, a month out of high school when I had Katie, had minimal help, and we made it this far.  We overcame obstacles that most people don’t.

I am a Mom, I can move mountains.

If you would like to donate to these endeavors, or help with this transition, links are listed below.  I appreciate all of you, even just to have someone to write to!!!







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