I Smell Cakes and Candy

I am going to switch gears and eventually I will have these set up in series because there are different parts of my life that I would like to share and one of them is being almost 40 and single.

I know OMG a woman’s worst nightmare – just not mine.  I have friends that tell me “oh you will find the right one when the time is right”.  Well in order to find the right you must be looking, and that ladies and gents that is the furthest thing from my mind.  I am not looking, and to be quite frankly even when one shows up – I do my best to run them off.

OH MY GOD I KNOW HOW HORRIBLE

But let me explain.

I am 37 years old.  A grown child, and two failed marriages along with a relationship that would send me over the edge.  So let’s bring that total up to 3.  A piece of paper doesn’t determine the amount of bulllshit one goes through in relationship.  Married or not – a relationship is a relationship.  Commitment is commitment.

Now I am not going to go into a relationship bashing contest or how wrong I had been done blah blah blah cause we have all heard it before.  The one thing that was the common denominator in each failed relationship was me.  I was the common issue.  My choices in men generally has to do with a fixer up project because you know I like to fix things.  I am a woman that has always been torn in between the morals and values of a family that was incredibly traditional and a woman that was raised to stand on her own and that worked hard.  A combination of qualities that later in life I would see as a challenge in a relationship.

You might think to yourself how does traditional and working hard cause a conflict in behaviors or demeanor.  Well, you hear about tom boys, and well we are a challenge for the male population, and I will explain why.

While I have a very boyish side to my personality that includes biking, camping, fishing, mudding, video games, I also have a very girly side too.  You see growing up I had mostly boys by my side – and was raised in the sticks – so outside was where we played.  Doing these things not only is nostalgic – but it helps to this day grow that connectivity to my father and to my child hood (my dad passed away in 2004).  Now a man says, hey this sounds great – she likes to do stuff guys like to do.  And that stands true for most men, but I am complex.  I am not easy.  I am also a workaholic.  And that got worse the older I got.

Hey a woman that works hell yes!  Till you are realize you dealing with a woman who is at the end of the day kind of a bitch.  You see each man in my life was put at the end of the list.  And most men that deal with a single mom – well they aren’t easy to deal with.  For one, they don’t need you.  They rely on very few people, and if they aren’t with the child’s father – you best believe you are going to be dealing with some “my child more important that you, therefore my job is more important than you”.  Sounds kind of cold, but at the end of the day – it didn’t matter who I was texting on my phone – my child had to be fed.  My first husband was my daughters dad.  That marriage was incredibly short, 2 years.  Got married at 18, really a shot gun wedding.  Divorced at 20.  My kid’s dad – he was only 17 when we got married, so the financial responsibilities were really left to me, and we lived on our own once I graduated high school, and got married, so you can just imagine how exhausting that was.  Turned 18 in May, graduated in June, married in July, baby in August.  Now that isn’t the order my parents preferred of course.  They did it the right way, knew each of for 2 weeks, got married on the 3rd and was married till the day my Dad died.  We were young, too young for marriage, too young to be parents, but you play the cards that you are dealt, often from the same deck you shuffled.

After the marriage ended, I was on my own, living on my own at that.  Even though the ending of the marriage was needed, I still felt like a failure, so I was determined to show my family that a husband didn’t define me, so I set out to do all the things I had set out to do.  Enrolled in college, worked at a high school, also at an assisted living facility.  Bills were high, daycare was expensive. We struggled. When you struggle for a while out in the world, with a child, completely on your own, then you get a different view of life, and since my pride would always be in the way, we struggled more than we really had to.

Well this goes on for a little over a year –  but hey I am making it.  Tired but making it, never seen my kid though.  She was in and out of daycares and paid family members so I could put food on the table.  Two jobs, going to school, all to prove I wasn’t a failure.  Then a guy comes along, at a very sensitive time in my life.  One I thought came to save me.  Well some ships look great on the outside, but once on board you find out the engine blown, and the ship starts to sink shortly after, but you ride it out much longer till it finally sinks completely because at least you were on a  boat.

A man that had the family backing for the potential to be a great captain but lacked the maturity for sustainability in any relationship.  A man that was more concerned about the party down the road over the fact that the milk jug was empty and the rent was due.  I found myself still taking care of everything on my own, and God knows me and that man did not get along, but it wasn’t all him.  A woman that doesn’t need a man, well she is hard to deal with cause she won’t put with your shit.  Even though I found myself putting up with his immaturity and his combative behavior much longer than I should have – but not for him.  For that traditional lifestyle we were able to play off at holidays.  Sounds stupid, but then again, is any marriage perfect?  I mean I already went through one marriage and divorce and found myself willing to be a little more flexible in the things that I would accept in the second one.  The voice in my head of the elder saying “remember a marriage needs work, you got to work at it, people make mistakes”.  Going into a second marriage makes you soft and hard all at the same time.

I stayed in this crazy, catatonic, relationship for roughly 10 years – then comes along the skiff.  You know this little boat that comes to rescue you from the sinking ship.  Yea I am going to use that as a reference – and it isn’t something that I have hidden, yes I had an affair.

Yea judge it.  You weren’t there – and at least I was always honest about it.  I am not joking either.  I never hid it from it from the husband.  I, at least owed that to him, especially since 2 years before he had at least enough respect to call me while I was at the flea market with my family to inform me that while he was supposed to be prepping for a job, he slept with a mutual friend.  Hey honesty is key.  I think at first he didn’t believe me, til I brought my friend to the house for a Halloween party.  I know odd shit right.  Again, you weren’t there.  And my new friend – was actually JUST A FRIEND AT THE TIME.  But I was giving this man my mental attention – he was a soft voice in a loud world, but some men – they thrive on feeling like a savior – and once you are saved, you hold little to no value, and I would find that I preferred loud and honest – over soft and secretive.  I was in my early 30s.  My husband – he really wasn’t interested in me anymore – and was more of an obsession over anything else.  He didn’t really care – and physically – that relationship had ended 2 years prior.  Cheating does something to me mentally – and I never really do get over it – but I wouldn’t realize that till much later in life.

The third and final lasted around 6 years.  My husband would eventually find his way into a bar – to never find his way home.  My friendship with my new young savior converted over to yet another failing relationship.  And do you know why?  Because relationships that are built on broken ones always ends up caving.  Both of us had just ended our relationships, and the friendship we had built was so strong – that it was great – for little bursts.  When it was good – it was good and when it was bad it was bad.  And the one thing I was always terrified of was being alone.  The best thing with the 3rd was that we could laugh.  Face to face things would always be great – but when I was away – he loved to play.

Well all that playing – would always surface because I am not the type of woman you can really lie to.  And to be frank – you really can’t be doing that shit anymore.  Your phones are your lie detectors, and a smart person – they know to scope into your stuff.  Plus, again – let me touch base on the fact I was raised with mostly boys – I know how some of y’all think – and honestly those creeping skills needed some work – and of course – he had him a baby momma – and those are always fun.  One thing is for sure – she loved to rat him out – hahaha.  It wasn’t all his fault either, he had trust issues too because of how we met, and for him he thought it was almost unbelievable that I never lied about him or his place in my life.  I understood that, cause even thinking back – I am like well dam.  I believe in honesty, although never honest with myself.

So now we are caught up on the 3 and final, we come to the ending of the relationship roundups, we will move into single life.  The 3rd relationship ended the day before Independence Day 2016.  You might say to yourself – dam that was a while ago, but as you can tell – there were was only about 2 years from 18 to 35 in which I had been single and even in those years – there was a few 3 – 6 month relationships in between.  Again that fear of really being alone, and having no one to turn talk to in those nights you are lonely.

Well I moved into a house – by the grace of God.  Almost like fate because I was to be honest – kind of homeless.  That relationship ended abruptly – and really I had no where to live – but it was time for it to end, and thank God for a work friend because she was nice enough to let me rent out a house she had up for sale.  Fate, something that was feeling very thin – cause really at this point feeling like a failure in so many ways when it came to relationships.  One thing I was good at though – working.  When I first moved into the house – I was so busy trying to fill the house.  I had gotten rid of most of what I had owned because I had lived with the 3rd and final – and storage was expensive so I kept downsizing.  Financially strapped, one income home, two bellies to feed.

It wasn’t easy.  Financially strapped, one income home, two bellies to feed. A thing one night sitting across from my daughter, I realized we mostly ate dinner alone, and that hadn’t changed in 17 years.  A night that would change my outlook.  Why keep chasing when I had all I needed right in front of me? I was dealing with an emotional rollercoaster within myself caused by the constant chaos of the relationships I would get myself involved in. So many things happening – so many things going in within your heart.  Breakups aren’t easy – and dealing with a self-image issue – well emotions can really get the best of you.  I was busy – so it helped – but learning how to sleep alone – those are the nights you learn to keep a towel for your tears under your pillow.  But something happens, just like a deep cut – it heals.  Day in day out – the pain gets better.  The shit is temporary.  You and your body – it is an ever changing vessel.  Just as the tissues around a cut begin to reattach itself to heal – a heart that is LEFT ALONE will mend and heal – getting stronger with each day.  And I say LEFT ALONE because we are so quick to jump from one life straight into the next – never giving the heart time to rest leaving ourselves tired and leaving ourselves putting up with shit we NEVER should in any relationship.

The thing that I have noticed though, when a person is left alone, if they take the time, they begin to discover who they are.  Getting used to the quiet was difficult – something that coming from a large and loud family from birth – that was unheard of hahaha.  Sounds corny – but it is true.  I never allowed myself to discover who I was as an adult.  I became a wife and a parent at such a young age – that I never had the time to discover what I liked in life.  When you have a child your life becomes them.  What they like, you like because you are serving your purpose as a parent. But what happens when they grow up and they are becoming their own person?  Like not only was I dealing with failed relationships but in the blink of eye my daughter became an adult and took off for her own adventure.  You no longer have a child coming up behind you saying “mom lets go”.  Some thing that was harder than any relationship – because really like I said – those never really stood a chance next to my daughter.  I felt her heart beat within my body – there is no other bond stronger.

It got quieter and quieter here, some thing I started to grow into and almost enjoy.  I miss my daughter like crazy – and of course in regards to her I would love for her to move back home.  It is the “other” quiet though.  The emotional quiet.

You see I found myself peace – but not by choice, but I didn’t resist either.  At any given point – I could have resisted the quiet and chose to get into another unsatisfying relationship – but I know that isn’t what I want.  I enjoy going to bed now and not questioning the intentions of the one laying next to me.  I am no longer wondering where my husband is.  I no longer have the expectations of being a wife.  No longer having debates, no longer staying up late.  You see, I stopped taking care of everyone and finally started taking care of myself.  And in doing that I am becoming a better me.  A stronger me.  It isn’t always easy.  I do get lonely – but lets get real for just a minute.  We have become a society in which commitment, honor, respect, are all a fading fad.  Deceptive behavior is the common norm now, and that just isn’t a game I am willing to participate in.  I would rather snuggle up next to my pitty and sleep soundly that next to someone who is not filling my soul with a satisfying love cause a peaceful soul is a solid soul.

Being Single Does Not Mean I am Not Satisfied