At what point does it stop?

Been sitting here having a conversation with Greg.  It’s payday and yet I’m sitting here like dam, I work so much to be so dam broke.  I feel so conflicted by it to, to where I am contemplating giving up my dreams to not be so dam tired.  I work 70 hours every other week and 40+ on the others at my day job, then turn around and spend endless hours on music, social media, blogs, live shows, etc.

I have been burning the candle at both ends since I was 15 and now, 23 years later – still working over 130 hours a week between my job, and my dreams.

Something has to give.  I can’t give up my job.  How will my family eat, and my bills get taken care of?

I told my family for weeks now, I was going to stop working the extra shifts on the weekends so that I can spend time with them, but financially it just can’t happen right now.  I almost lost my daughter a little over a month ago, that’s all I can think about – spending time – enjoying life for a change.  I’ve been working two jobs her entire life. Sitting next to her at the hospital while she was in ICU, I just kept thinking to myself, I’ve missed so much time with her just so I can put food on the table, at what point does the struggle stop?  At what point do you actually get to take a vacation and spend time together.  When we do go places, it’s always fun, but for me – also stressful.  Hell even going to Six Flags, we couldn’t buy food or drink there – just can’t afford it.  So we either pack lunches, or go outside the park.  We have the monthly passes – all we can afford – but at least it gets us doing something together.

I don’t understand why some people have to work so hard to be so broke.  I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally and all I want – is just to be able to have a life.

The music, my outlet, my dreams – that is the only thing I can reasonably give up without disrupting how we survive.

Giving that up almost feels like my heart would be ripped out of my chest, but lets be honest – I just started making music a year ago.

It’s hard once you find your passion, to realize that reality will make it impossible for you to keep turbulence to let your passion fly.

I have to work to provide for my family.

My dreams may have to take a back seat.  

I always felt like I was more. More than a poverty stricken life, but maybe that is my life.  Maybe the struggle, the will to survive, maybe that is what my life is really about, and maybe I just need to accept that.  

#inmyfeels

#dreamsdontpaybills

#backtoreality

Not sure if/ when I will post again. 

Just in case, thank you to all of my readers, my dreamers and my followers. 

You all are blessings.  

 

 

 

 

In shock – wrote another man a love song – when my boyfriend heard it – he was in awe….. Blog Post 09/18/2019

 

So Greg and I entered a few contests on Bandlab – the app we use to create our music.  For those that don’t know- Greg is a bassist – which was not something I knew about him until after we started dating.  We are coming up on our 6 month anniversary – and it has been fantastic!!!!

Together we have dropped 4 tracks.

This last one though – “That’s Some Shady Shit” is climbing up the charts on Bandlab!!!  We have two entries – the only two songs I have done this month, and one is sitting at #40 and the newest one – ALREADY AT #70.

I have a feeling this last one might surpass my other one.  Even if we don’t win the contest – the fact that I even made it in the #top100 at all is amazingballs – then making it into the #top50 – even more amazingballs

Our latest track – my love song to another man!!  That man just happens to be Eminem hahahahaa – yea – Momma a stan!! And what?  hahahaha

Sitting at #70 !!!!

 

I also wrote a love song to Greg:

Currently sitting at #40 !!!!

 

I think we sound amazing together.  His beat – my heart – together we make that Pulse beat!!!!

 

Our other releases:

BLOG POST 09/17/2019 Dam these changes stacking up, but I’m completely excited for this new life.

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You know I’m sitting here sharing my music, in a new home, with a new boyfriend, in a new city that is in a new state with a new car – and I’m just like wow, changes for real.

I think back to where I was a year ago.  Mentally, emotionally…  Hell let’s take that back even further – let’s go 5, but let us dare not go back more than 10 – those pastures are paved in paths of pain.

Talk about changes.  I can’t describe to someone how emotionally restricted I have felt over most of my life.

Some other things have been going on as well.  A lot of self-evaluation – a lot of self-love.  I mean when we strip ourselves down to only yourself – and there is  no one around to feed you negativity – you start feeding yourself, little by little, bit size snacksies of positive encouragement.

Like, legit, I look in the mirror everrrydddaaayyy – and tell myself I am beautiful, I am a bad bitch, I have the power to allow fuckers to fuck with me, retain power for thyself bitccchhhh… Now take that fine ass to work.  hahahahaha – (legit tho)

A few years ago – I wouldn’t even look in the mirror – and now I go live, share music, post videos, give no fucks what kind of negative bullshit comes out someone’s mouth.

Changes….

I stripped myself down to nothing but me, and my thoughts, and you know what I realized?

I’m pretty fucking awesome – and I deserve to be loved ❤ and so do you, even if that someone yourself till you find someone who can top that kind of love (and yea they out there, Gregory, hey babbbyyy)

 

FYI

If no one has told you today,

You are beautiful, strong, and courageous..

All the pain is just making those wings super strong for when it’s time to soar!!!

If they ain’t treating you right – tell em to get the fuck gone.  You owe no – one nothing in this life.  You DO NOT have to subject yourself to pain just so they can be loved.

LOVE YOURSELF

DEMAND RESPECT

LIVE IN PEACE.

 

Thumper 🐇🐇

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How Dating Could Destroy My Diet

Now this post may come off bitchy, so you must read through to the end to really understand my point of view.  And once you get done, even if you are married, you will most likely understand.

Now you might say to yourself – just because you get involved with someone doesn’t mean you have to kill your diet, but you would be wrong – cause I know how I am.  I know what I am capable of.

I also know how I am in relationships.

Let’s start off with the basics.  From the start – a lot of dates – are surrounded by what?  Yea – food.  Dinner, movies, food.  This is where you start to correlate foods with memories.

Then let’s go into the time.  You see, someone who gets up early in the mornings to workout, well after working all day – I’m too tired to go out.  The weekends come, and I have to take care of things around the house, and spend time with Marley & Leo (my pups).  Now even if I do make the time, guess what happens?  I go out, then go home, then I don’t get enough rest – so then no work out – then I hate you. Hahahaha.

I am also not oblivious to the reality in the success my weight loss either.

IT IS EASIER FOR ME TO LOOSE WEIGHT NOW THAT I AM ALONE

I am a cooking queen.  I love to create, I love to cook for people.  In my house –  before my child became an adult and moved out – we ate dinner at home everyday.  Now that I have an empty nest – I don’t have to cook, and often don’t.  I mean it’s just me – I can make my dinners in a few minutes flat.  My snacks generally consist of cheese or peanut butter but all lchf items.  When I am in a relationship, I use my food to do the seducing for me.  I want to cook at every opportunity to not only showcase my skills, but for level of involvement.  I enjoy an interactive man in the kitchen – but one that is suggestive and not controlling.  It’s fun when you find someone you love to cook with – but then again – that is again the issue – YOU ARE ALWAYS COOKING SO YOU ARE ALWAYS EATING. This goes for moms and dads too.  Children are little food monsters.  They are growing – they need to be fed.  We eat when they eat – so yea – it is harder when you have kids, or in a relationship.

So yea – dating could destroy my diet.

 

adult blur bouquet boy
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