Currently in recovery 😂
Don’t Play With Me
Fat and Fab My 200LB Loss
There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin. I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.
So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger. 423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6). I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner. I didn’t. I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.
Let’s go back to the begining. 2010. The year I had lap-band surgery. It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off. Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months. The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals). I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do. The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed. Now of course, I say that now.
Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later. A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.
Now here is some real shit. The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month. Now that sounds great. 31 and no more periods. Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight???? I sure the hell didn’t. I mean I got the basics. Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.
Guess when you find this out? After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier. According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc. They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!
I am not joking either. I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier. I was devastated. Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition. 40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds? Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down? How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for. So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further, I decided to hit the gym. It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.
I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point. Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life. I wanted better days. I wanted to wake up and not be in pain. I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself. So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid. I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess?? Well I didn’t. Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours. It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my kid was the one that paid the price. She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything. Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies. I wanted to give it to her. I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol. I just couldn’t. All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms? This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are. You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS. Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”. BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT
So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues. They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.
Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital. YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby. Found out I had developed gastroparesis. Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***
So fanfreakingtastic
Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong. You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds. You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS. Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through. Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits. Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.
Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down. I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!
I gave up. I really did. Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty. (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)
I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life. And really, was that so bad? I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned. At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.
The thing is – the misery never leaves. Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.
I wasn’t happy. I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things. I was ashamed of my body. I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me. What I had become.
There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens. I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it. She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative. She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it. My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.
I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year. There are quite a few years there. Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing. I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop. Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight. Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it. After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be. I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.
Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed. I grew tired of trying anymore. It got me thinking to. I was failing because I gave up to easily. I never stuck with it. Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground. Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it. Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.
The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface. What is the one thing we preach to our children? Don’t give up! So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal. She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout. Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard. I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be. I am not my weight.
I will not settle. I will not stop. I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.
Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.
The Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookie
There’s really only one thing, that even I forget to do sometimes when making chocolate chip cookies but makes the difference ten fold.
Melting ur unsalted sweet cream butter with ur brown sugar. 💯💯
I put my butter and brown sugar in a pot and melt together, just until some what blended. And on middle low.
Let cool for a smidge 😍 it gives it more of a toffee taste 💯🙌💯
And half bake them 💯💯 once the edges are A LITTLE brown, take em out and let them set 💯
Ur family will be like 😯😯
Till Eminem starts sending me some child support for these lyrical babies I keep popping out hahahahaha
This year has been like WHOA 11/17/2019
As I am sitting here, working on my music, and updating blogs, social media, etc, I can’t help but think of all of the transitions and changes over the past year.
I just got done celebrating my first year anniversary with my music on October 17, which was like wow – it’s already been a year. You know the funny thing is – I hadn’t even realized that was the same date as Eminem’s birthday. Something I found very iconic this year as I scrolled through social media and see his birthday was on the same day I was celebrating my first year making noise. Something that gives me the feel goods – considering I’m quite the stan. Not the type of stan that watches his every move, or knows his entire book by heart – I mean dam – I’ve been writing my own book – but I know his music – his heart – because I have been listening since the beginning.
In a year I have overcome so many obstacles. Not to mention – there has been a drastic improvement with my music. You can see the transition in how I sound, but one thing has not changed – the power in my stories. Over the last year, I have won two different awards – which is crazy – cause who would have even thought?
The first was the Artist Spotlight from Bandlab back in November 2018 and the second one was this September’s #heroes #contest with That’s Some Shady Shit
Like wtf who have ever thought?
NOT ME!
I mean you can take a look of the beginning and compare it to now and you can see the improvement. It didn’t come without some blood, sweat and tears, but now… now I’m everywhere – including iHeartRadio.
That isn’t the only thing that changed drastically. I moved. I took my Florida native ass and moved it to Georgia. The start of more moves to come. This is our pit stop on a journey that I have waited a lifetime to take. I had to move – the house I was in was up for sale – and my job – well it was rough in Tampa. Something had to give – and the only thing I hadn’t tried was a change of state, in hopes to have a changed state of mind.
So I brought myself to Georgia just a few hours outside of Atlanta. I got a good job – while it isn’t what I want to do with my life – it will suffice for now. I mean we all know if I had it my way – I would stay baked, cook, clean, write some dope ass songs, and continue to just be crazy on my life shows. That is why I am the happiest. When I can get on live and just be without any regard to others opinions. I know that sounds controversial because for most – that is leaving you exposed for negativity. The thing is – online negativity can be resolved with one click of the delete button. You can’t do that in real life.
I also have this new man. Greg aka Anarchotrappitalist. Met him on 03/24/2019 (there babe you can always refer to this post if necessary – even though most of the time it’s me forgetting the date) He is amazing to me. We have had a few bumbs as everyone does – but the difference with him – we talk it out – we work it out – and that sets us apart. I am not an easy female to deal with, something a lot of guys think I try to be cute about – but just like in my music – always fact – never fiction.
I work – and not your normal – I work 45 hours kind of ish. I mean I work work. I get up at 5 to do my social media/ music related work before work – then go to work and work – then get off work and continue to work – and just recently picked up DoorDash for some extra money – so now I am work work working. Most of everyone knows that I pick up two extra shifts every other weekend on the oil line at work too. A benefit to the job I currently have. Yes, a benefit. How many jobs do you know of that will let you work 24 hours of overtime? Not many. I have worked that line every since I started and found out I could. So right now my schedule is quite tight, but you don’t get to go from poverty to prosperity without some real work behind it. Plus, I have dreams I am trying to achieve.
The first – pay off these bills.
The second – buy a house. Right now – we have a 5 people and 3 dogs in a 2 bedroom apartment that is only 850 sq feet. We make it work though. We are thankful to have a roof over our heads, something just a few months ago looked like we might not have. Our lease is a year long, but we are almost halfway through that – so really I got to push hard so we can move once our lease is up, something that doesn’t look to promising right at the moment, but if there is a will, there is a way – and I will figure it out.
The third – get to a point to where I can actually start enjoying life with my family. The most important and the main reason why – but I must accomplish 1 and 2 in order to fulfill number 3.
It will all come together. One day at a time.
I do this all for one reason – for my Baby Girl
One more thing – don’t miss out on the upcoming album “The Single Mother Shuffle”
Drop date is coming very soon.
At what point does it stop?
Been sitting here having a conversation with Greg. It’s payday and yet I’m sitting here like dam, I work so much to be so dam broke. I feel so conflicted by it to, to where I am contemplating giving up my dreams to not be so dam tired. I work 70 hours every other week and 40+ on the others at my day job, then turn around and spend endless hours on music, social media, blogs, live shows, etc.
I have been burning the candle at both ends since I was 15 and now, 23 years later – still working over 130 hours a week between my job, and my dreams.
Something has to give. I can’t give up my job. How will my family eat, and my bills get taken care of?
I told my family for weeks now, I was going to stop working the extra shifts on the weekends so that I can spend time with them, but financially it just can’t happen right now. I almost lost my daughter a little over a month ago, that’s all I can think about – spending time – enjoying life for a change. I’ve been working two jobs her entire life. Sitting next to her at the hospital while she was in ICU, I just kept thinking to myself, I’ve missed so much time with her just so I can put food on the table, at what point does the struggle stop? At what point do you actually get to take a vacation and spend time together. When we do go places, it’s always fun, but for me – also stressful. Hell even going to Six Flags, we couldn’t buy food or drink there – just can’t afford it. So we either pack lunches, or go outside the park. We have the monthly passes – all we can afford – but at least it gets us doing something together.
I don’t understand why some people have to work so hard to be so broke. I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally and all I want – is just to be able to have a life.
The music, my outlet, my dreams – that is the only thing I can reasonably give up without disrupting how we survive.
Giving that up almost feels like my heart would be ripped out of my chest, but lets be honest – I just started making music a year ago.
It’s hard once you find your passion, to realize that reality will make it impossible for you to keep turbulence to let your passion fly.
I have to work to provide for my family.
My dreams may have to take a back seat.
I always felt like I was more. More than a poverty stricken life, but maybe that is my life. Maybe the struggle, the will to survive, maybe that is what my life is really about, and maybe I just need to accept that.
#inmyfeels
#dreamsdontpaybills
#backtoreality
Not sure if/ when I will post again.
Just in case, thank you to all of my readers, my dreamers and my followers.
You all are blessings.
In shock – wrote another man a love song – when my boyfriend heard it – he was in awe….. Blog Post 09/18/2019
So Greg and I entered a few contests on Bandlab – the app we use to create our music. For those that don’t know- Greg is a bassist – which was not something I knew about him until after we started dating. We are coming up on our 6 month anniversary – and it has been fantastic!!!!
Together we have dropped 4 tracks.
This last one though – “That’s Some Shady Shit” is climbing up the charts on Bandlab!!! We have two entries – the only two songs I have done this month, and one is sitting at #40 and the newest one – ALREADY AT #70.
I have a feeling this last one might surpass my other one. Even if we don’t win the contest – the fact that I even made it in the #top100 at all is amazingballs – then making it into the #top50 – even more amazingballs
Our latest track – my love song to another man!! That man just happens to be Eminem hahahahaa – yea – Momma a stan!! And what? hahahaha
Sitting at #70 !!!!
I also wrote a love song to Greg:
Currently sitting at #40 !!!!
I think we sound amazing together. His beat – my heart – together we make that Pulse beat!!!!
Our other releases:
BLOG POST 09/17/2019 Dam these changes stacking up, but I’m completely excited for this new life.
You know I’m sitting here sharing my music, in a new home, with a new boyfriend, in a new city that is in a new state with a new car – and I’m just like wow, changes for real.
I think back to where I was a year ago. Mentally, emotionally… Hell let’s take that back even further – let’s go 5, but let us dare not go back more than 10 – those pastures are paved in paths of pain.
Talk about changes. I can’t describe to someone how emotionally restricted I have felt over most of my life.
Some other things have been going on as well. A lot of self-evaluation – a lot of self-love. I mean when we strip ourselves down to only yourself – and there is no one around to feed you negativity – you start feeding yourself, little by little, bit size snacksies of positive encouragement.
Like, legit, I look in the mirror everrrydddaaayyy – and tell myself I am beautiful, I am a bad bitch, I have the power to allow fuckers to fuck with me, retain power for thyself bitccchhhh… Now take that fine ass to work. hahahahaha – (legit tho)
A few years ago – I wouldn’t even look in the mirror – and now I go live, share music, post videos, give no fucks what kind of negative bullshit comes out someone’s mouth.
Changes….
I stripped myself down to nothing but me, and my thoughts, and you know what I realized?
I’m pretty fucking awesome – and I deserve to be loved ❤ and so do you, even if that someone yourself till you find someone who can top that kind of love (and yea they out there, Gregory, hey babbbyyy)
FYI
If no one has told you today,
You are beautiful, strong, and courageous..
All the pain is just making those wings super strong for when it’s time to soar!!!
If they ain’t treating you right – tell em to get the fuck gone. You owe no – one nothing in this life. You DO NOT have to subject yourself to pain just so they can be loved.
LOVE YOURSELF
DEMAND RESPECT
LIVE IN PEACE.
I Smell Cakes and Candy 