I Smell Cakes and Candy

Today, Greg, my boyfriend, started his new job.  The job he landed happens to also be where I work.  It also happens to be a vacation day for me.  A day I have nothing planned but to work on my own personal adventures on the web.  Yep, I took a vacation day to be able to sit at home, write on my blog, share music and finish writing some songs.  Something I have done quite a few times before I left Florida – and something I will most likely continue to do.  This is the place where I express my art – where my dreams lie before me.  I often feel burnt out from working so much – then coming home to continue to pursue this idea of being able to eventually earn enough money from home to be able to work from home.

A dream.

Most people would say the same.  Working from home is something a lot of people wish they could do.  But all of us, we want to do it for different reasons.

I have always been the bread winner.  Twice divorced, child grown,  I’ve have put in my time.  Missing out on most of my daughter’s life to make ends meet, often working two or more jobs, not including also taking myself though college while Katie was in school.  Granted, I am still young.  38.  Granted I also love working.  Contradicts the thought of staying home right?

Wrong.

When I am home, I rarely take a break.  I actually enjoy doing a lot of things people hate doing.

One of those, cleaning.

I love the smell of laundry and coffee in the morning.  I also love sitting outside to take in the morning air before starting in on my web based businesses.  Often finding myself with a Swisher in hand.  I enjoy walking my dogs, the way the leaves sound as they are running around in the yard.  I love the way the wind blows to gently kiss your face as though earth itself is saying good morning.

I also enjoy sending my man off to work.  My family had traditional values but in a world where roles have reversed often times women are pulling double duty.  I guess the same could be said about men as well…

This morning was a perfect example.  Today – this moment – this is the perfect life to me.  I got woke up to a smiling boyfriend saying good morning.  We rose together, I made his coffee, and got smothered in love before he left.

Wow, what a good feeling.  Something I didn’t think could ever exist in a relationship.  Greg is always happy to see my face – you can see it in his.

I am sure he senses a different aura about me today.  He often does.  I am not riddled with Monday morning anxiety, rushing out the door.

A break from reality for a day.  A break from filling like the world is going to collapse if I don’t go hold it up.

My PTSD has created a nice mixture of emotions that are all tied with oppression.

I don’t want to feel forced, I want to feel free.

Jobs often feel like that for me.  I walk in the door, smile on face – check.  In my head though it’s a thousand little minions running around with contradictive suggestions.

Do you talk to this person? That person? Engage?  Walk away?  How long do you have to hold the smile when you do engage in a conversation? How quickly can you end the conversation without feeling like a bitch? How many people are staring at me right now? What will my boss have to say today?  Is my co-worker in a good mood – or is she going to project her negativity my way?  Am I speaking clear enough to not sound like I’m from the trailer hood?  Would it be so bad if they knew?  Do I speak up in the meeting today, or do I sit quietly?  Do I need to have a face to face, or can this just be in email?  How do I avoid my own emotions to survive through the day?  No crying.

I am sure a lot can relate, especially if you have mental health issues. Something I once believed made me weak, but in reality – acknowledging and processing and understanding my mental health – well that’s a strength very few have.  Mainly because most of us don’t want to accept the fact that our brains aren’t wired correctly.  I’ve not only accepted it, but I have embraced it.

Greg has embraced it too.  He doesn’t mind it.  Which is like wow – because it is no easy task for him.  Sometimes I shut down completely – just trying to figure out how to react before I react – which often seems like a complete disconnection.  It’s a protective measure brought on by years of reacting that brought on trips to the hospital.  When I was with my abuser, shutting down was about the only way you could survive the evening.  Talking back, having an opinion, feeling like you had a voice – those weren’t options.  Shut up, sit down, let the storm pass.  When speaking back – the storm turns into a tornado, destroying everything in it’s path, and God knows, I was over having to come up with some “I’m accident prone” story.

Greg enjoys my voice, so much he makes beats for me to continue to express myself.  Hell, he encourages it.  The way he smiles when I am working on lyrics, and I repeat them back to him.  A task that is not easy.  Often hearing the same lyric and melody over and over and over till I really feel it.

It’s amazing to have someone who can appreciate the crazy, and the fact that he embraces it – that feeling is powerful.

After a life of pain, could this be real?  Could this be the moment that my life starts to see the silver lining everyone talks about?   The man that comes and finally makes a woman feel loved after feeling all used up?  Is this my moment?

I don’t know.

But what I do know – I don’t want it to end.

If finances allowed, Greg with the most certainty in my blood, would absolutely say “babe, pursue your dreams, I got this”.

He loves the mood I’m in when I get the ability to express my emotions.  The happiness, the love.  I could paint an incredibly messy picture for Greg, and he will find beauty in it because he looks for it.

He gets excited when I’m writing.  I’m not quite sure if it is because of the fact that he sees how happy I am or if because he just loves to hear the crazy shit I got to say.
Last night in the car, I was writing lyrics to a new Bandlab beat for a contest.  I want it to be good, and have gotten so comfortable with Greg that he listens to the process, gives feedback, and says baby girl “take it where you take it” – that has made me even more powerful when it comes to unfolding this hidden talent.

I was always a great writer, but Greg, he knows music.  Even music theory.  Something we came across after we started dating.  Neither one of us knew that music was our passion.  He found out the first night we were together that I wrote, and I found out he was a bassist, but never in a million years did I ever imagine, that I would be sharing one of my biggest secrets with someone other than my child, more – or – less – the entire world – and not only to share that with someone – but to actually create music together.

WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT????????

That also has created a whirlwind of emotions.  I have scratched the surface of a content life, and now I yearn for it.  Every day, every moment, I think about those mini moments I had with my daughter, and how I can’t wait for a time where we can go on vacation when we have time and money for one.  I can’t wait to go explore more mountains and campgrounds, and earth with Greg.  I got so much inspiration on a trip to Minnehaha Falls this past weekend that my lyrics have been flowing like the waterfalls.  Steady streams, and it’s almost painful that I have such limited time to be able to write.  It’s funny – I took a break from writing lyrics to write what was supposed to be a short – hey – here is an update post – and found myself writing a book.

This is the life for me.  I am writing, listening to music, and conjuring up ideas for dinner, and maybe a sexy outfit for when my boyfriend comes home from work.  Playing the housewife has always been a dream – but often it is play because it can only happen on the days I’m taking vacations and even then, never had a man that appreciated any of it.  Being able to create from one side of the house, to the other.   Channeling my energy here does so much more for me than exerting my energy hiding the true me from a lot of people that would never appreciate the real me.

Being able to create in every aspect today – the blog, the music, cooking, organizing, cleaning – all in preparation to make this house feel like a home.  A safe haven for me and my demons to play without judgement, and then for a man to come with a smile on his face – like what did my baby girl do today?  He gets excited for it.  He makes me comfortable to a point where I am discovering a whole new self.  He sees the demons, he has adapted to them.  A line of what Dexter would call “dark passengers”.  He doesn’t turn any of them away, and tries to understand each of them.

His love is powerful.. Now what for dinner….

Lace, love and lyrics!