It’s often difficult to pick up where you left off, simply because the moods have changed just as the days have changed. Today – I’m in the mood to write. I had to sit down real quick with my syrup covered ritz crackers. Judge me if you want – but I gave blood today – and my sugar – well it’s low since I don’t consume it in my normal day to day diet. I guess I shouldn’t say gave blood, more specifically sold my plasma. Sounds crazy – but right now – that extra income, that’s helping us get through – but really that discussion is for another day. The house is quiet. Greg is at work, Katie is in Florida visiting family and friends, and I believe trying to figure out her own path. Oddly enough – this little snack of mine – I highly recommend. I mean, I love Ritz crackers, and well who doesn’t love syrup. Together, they are pretty dam good. You know – side note – for just a second. So, most people that watch my Youtube channel, the cooking aspect of it, know that I am a generic brand buyer. Then I’ll take the generic home and make it taste fantastic with the right seasonings and love, but there is one thing about Ritz, I have never been able to buy generic and feel satisfied, even when it is called for in recipes, you just can’t buy the generic with these golden crackers. Ritz or Velveeta – those are the two brands that I would say are the acceptable times in which you should pay the price difference for the brand.
Anyways – back to the story.
So, I am not going to bore you with the new year, new me bullshit because really this progression of healing has been going on since the beginning of my blog, which happened even before my music. My blog, I Smell Cakes and Candy, came first, Momma Rapper came shortly after, then the tangible side of my business last. The last few months, they have been a struggle. The mind is a beautiful thing, but it is also the most dangerous. The winter months, the cold, the lack of sun, the rain, the frost killing my plants, bills, all things that have contributed in this increased feeling of not being good enough, and just fumbling the ball at every play. My attempt at setting up at the local flea market – well it did okay – not great – but okay. The setup drove some orders, and got some new customers, but it wasn’t enough to continue to return. It was really kind of costing us to be there. I really wanted it to work out there – but honestly – the people there – it kind of made it awful to go. Of course, I inverted this for a while – and of course that became a huge trigger, despite not realizing it at the time. Every time going to the flea market, my nerves would stand on end. I would get there, set up, then of course it was like my booth was under inspection by people that thought that we were competing with each other, even tho, I compete with no one. It became “another” toxic environment. I say it like that because it’s like dam – why can’t I just find a nice little comfy area where I can do my workey work and be left alone while we all eat brownies and be nice to each other? Like can’t we all work and drive toward success together without wanting to undercut each other? Apparently not. At one point I told Greg I felt like I was in the center of a world that was just spinning and I couldn’t stand up but I also couldn’t sit down. To go from being the bread winner, years of being a single mom, and now, for 10 months, 10 full months, I haven’t had a paycheck. My bath essentials business orders have been slow. I mean every one is struggling which I understand. The last few weeks have been about life style adjustments, starting in the kitchen and ending with more balance and stability with my own thoughts and my own personal day to day processes. I can’t feel better if I am not treating myself better. Part of that, I am doing right now, writing, which is so incredibly therapeutic for me, and I often forget that. I also forget that right now my main focus should be on my health. I have overwhelmed myself my entire life. Something done to keep a racing mind occupied, or to keep a depressed mind running, I’m not sure which. Looking back I think there were points that I was terrified that if I stopped trying to push and progress my life in some way everything would fall apart, but in retrospect, I guess everything was always falling apart being held together by the thread I was weaving. I was feeling like the north side of a magnet trying to affix itself in the north side of another magnet at every human interaction. It was my own acceptance I have been seeking. The “acceptance” of my disability. The craziest part of it – I’ve had this condition, well the stomach one, for the better of 8 years, the mental, my entire life. And with that it’s like why can’t it just be one thing? Why does it have to be stomach, back, and head? Sounds like the my neck, my back song. I’m tired of being in pain, I’m tired of being emotionally and physically exhausted. Something has to change. And that change, as it has always been, begins and ends with me.
My first accomplishment, I quit smoking cigs, and like I couldn’t fucking be happier. It wasn’t easy – but I was tired of making excuses. It’s like how can I look at my daughter and try to teach her about making changes if something that I have been doing for so many years – I can’t stop – it’s hypocrisy – so I stopped. I am about to hit my two month mark. I have been smoking more weed – but I do believe the increase in thc levels has contributed to this relaxed aura that we will get into later. Let me tell you the sense of accomplishment that came from getting through Thanksgiving and not giving into temptation. It was a struggle to say the least. Speaking of Thanksgiving, this year, was by far one of the best. I was at ease, not stressed, and even ate with my family at the same time. It was nice. At some point, it was like something had broke and I was finally getting that “relaxed peace” I always strive to achieve. That feeling like I was being rushed to run over eggshells without breaking them even though I weigh in at a honey loving 200, that is me putting too much pressure on myself because I don’t think I’m ever accomplishing enough because I never feel good enough. You will find that to be a common trait of overachieving workaholics. While I haven’t worked a regular job in over 10 months, I have in fact been running my businesses at full speed ahead. This is why a lot of people hadn’t realized that I am no longer working a regular job. Even when I was working I was operating Momma Rapper Music and I Smell Cakes and Candy, while working 26 days a month for Kroger. I worked 5 days a week in the office, and pulled shifts every other weekend on the oil line to help pay for the partial plate for my mouth, that my dog ruined within minutes of getting back from the hospital with Katie when she had that blood infection. Talk about emotional – I am still struggling with smiling without covering my mouth because I can’t replace the piece. That piece cost me over $2k and like we just got caught up on our bills, so like to think I will be able to get another one any time soon would be not only selfish, but not a good financial decision. That put me in such a funk emotionally. To have worked so hard to replace what was broken, to be able to see something physically. It was symbolic to say the least – so losing it – it played a huge role in this emotional outburst I just went through.
It wasn’t like it was one thing, or even two things. It was a stack of things that compiled together made for a nice dose of emotional diarrhea. I think to when I sit at the computer, recalling thinking to myself, maybe if I share one more time, maybe one more person will see my business, and one more person will order at least one thing. The reality of the situation is, the world is at a state of emergency and we are all struggling, but knowing that and really allowing your emotions to understand that – it’s two different things. For me, it is hard to draw the line at what is an acceptable business layout for the first few years and what is failure. My business degree background educated me in knowing that the first 3 years – it’s about just surviving the business world and that if it has survived past that 3 year mark – we are already doing better than most businesses. I know the economy sucks – but that doesn’t change the fact that without a steady source of income it makes me feel like a burden on those around me. With all that being said, we still have a growing business, even in the midst of all of this COVID shit going on. That in itself is a win – even if it only grows by a small percent each month – it is growth – and it is 100% grown from nothing. I also had to remind myself the purpose of my businesses. Knowing all of this and knowing all of this are two different things. Sounds complex because it is, especially if you are logical and creative. One side of me says to myself, dam look at the growth, then the other side of me is like, dam did I make the wrong decision. But then I had to dig a little deeper and remind myself why these businesses were even created. And the reason – once we get down to it – might surprise you.
Both of my businesses did not start as businesses – these “businesses” are, in reality, my hobbies, and my own personal calming products that I make for myself, I just make enough so that I can try to make ends meet.
Some how, some where, I forgot that along the way. My music, therapy. My blogging, therapy. My bathbombs, therapy. Art, music – THERAPY.
Subconsciously, I think I knew that the day would come that I wouldn’t be able to withstand being in a normal work environment, but I think I also knew that sitting at home twisting thumbs all day wasn’t going to cut it for me. I need to be able to do, doesn’t matter what doing really means right now, but I know that for me, I must do something, I must stay busy.
I’ve always like writing, I’ve always liked colors, I’ve always liked creating. Creating keeps me busy, and helps me clear the crazy and chaotic pipelines of information that never seem to stop flowing. Something that often makes me feel stupid as fk because my mind races so much that often times I fumble my words, or I don’t speak clearly enough for people to hear me so they ask me to repeat – and that instantly makes me forget. The problem with creating, there was never enough time to create, and if there was time to create – there wasn’t enough time to enjoy the process (there is a difference). I was watching this girl the other day doing some soaps, and I was like, how the fuck is she so chill? My entire life I rush right through it, unable to enjoy even the artistic side of my life, and that is and was driving me even crazier than I already am. Not until recently had I realized that I no longer have to rush through my life, and I am glad that is starting to become a serious wake up call – because if I keep going the way that I was – I fear the outcome of my story.
2020 was a dick, and the winter blues was it’s side bitch, and for those of us that struggle, this was probably one of the worst struggling years, mentally, emotionally, financially. To most, not working sounds like a great thing, but in reality, work was my safe place, even after leaving my ex, hell in reality, even before meeting him. I loved to work. I loved to fill like I had purpose. I could go in, get the job done, do it good, feel accomplished and go home. The struggle hits different when you are at least working a 9-5 and contributing to the financial hurt, instead of increasing it by needing $600 a month because of medicine that half of the world looks at as an addiction instead of as treatment. Going from the rock to being the bottomless pit of need. And it’s like why did it have to be Greg that this wheel of my fuckery have to land on? Like he is beyond amazing. Understanding. Loving. Caring. He genuinely wants to listen to what I have to say, and loves spending every moment with me. People look at abuse victims as weak, and survivors as strong, and yet there is a part of me that is like dam, I wish I could be that strong again. To be able to take a beating, then go to work the next day with a smile on my face like nothing happened, and now I can’t take even the slightest amount of bullshit without wanting to close myself off to the world to protect what little bit of sanity I have left.
I have talked about feeling like a ping pong ball bouncing between a roundhouse of bullshit, like no matter which way I turned there was turmoil, that some how was directly related to an action of my own, even if my own actions had nothing to do with the result, I would still blame myself. Looking through the pieces I can see where my errors in thoughts were but hindsight is 20/20, and blurred vision will also be blurred vision.
I wish I could take the computer into our old plant room. We moved the chaise in there, and it makes the perfect writing room – right now it’s raining. I’m finding myself distracted going back and forth. I love writing by a window, especially under these conditions. It’s quiet in the house, not one single radio playing. It’s dark outside but the moon is highlighting the clouds, lighting up the sky, it’s really beautiful to watch. When we were at Minnehaha Falls this past week – the sky – it was just magnificent. I mean it was just stunning. The way the stars looked ten times brighter that high up. It was breathtaking.
Over the last few months I’ve been some where in between complete meltdown phase and complete calmness and every where in between. The lack of sunlight, the lack of outside time having its usual side effects. I love being in the sun. I love watching my dogs play, I love walking, I love exploring, I love growing my plants, I love being outside, and lately, it’s been raining and it’s just been too cold. Greg and I have discussed when things are better, we will be investing in a treadmill for next winter. An attempt at keeping at least the physical energy going, even through unkind weather. I kick myself in the ass every year that goes by that I don’t get one, but like how the fk does anyone afford it on a norm, to be like, yea, let me just drop a few hundred on a walking device. It needs to happen though. And it will. In the midst of quitting smoking, I have actually gained 15 pounds. Well, that and of course the holidays, and we all know I can cook, and if you don’t, um okay, I Smell Cakes and Candy.
These are all things that have contributed to this wrecking ball of a winter. Then there was the winter wedding that ended with a quite upsetting event that put me right over the edge – but to be quite honest – I think that actually helped me snap back into me. That was the point that was like okay – WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. By the way, typically when I speak of a “we” I am only talking about me in the physical sense.
I cried for about 4 hours, just about the entire trip back from Florida. Part of me being upset with people’s complete lack of boundaries and people’s complete lack of attention, but also completely inverting every single thing going on in my life right now. Knowing that if I could just take my ass back to work that I could fix so many issues in my life right now. My medical, my dental, my financial disposition. The problem is, even the mere thought of having to explain one more time to one more person about why I was late or why I need to go home, especially when the stories are typically embarrassing. The thought of not being able to lay on my yoga mat at will to stretch out my lower right hip because I have spinal stenosis terrifies me, something I have grown to be very fond of. Having the ability to maneuver my body through the house as needed – not living free of pain – but at least some what living. I don’t have to have a panic attack because my stomach is upset and I have a meeting in 3 minutes, and now because of the panic attack, I have dry mouth, so I am having a coughing fit in the bathroom, which leads to the burping now becoming exorcist gagging which then leads to additional stomach pain to be followed up with a flushed face, a disorientated appearance during the meeting to be followed up with questioning by my boss and maybe an outfit change. The reality of what my living with my conditions and working is really like. The emotional, targeted abuse by a co-worker at my last job did not help any of my conditions at all – if anything – my conditions got 10x worse working there. The video “How Kroger Almost Killed Me” will be coming out soon. After a while – you just feel like you can’t do anything right. Your body reacting to your emotions or your emotions reacting to your body – or a fucked up flow of back and forth and honestly – it’s just exhausting. You work your hardest at just making it. Making it at just making it. After a while, the exhaustion, it has you questioning, well everything. I’ve worked hard, I still do. I might work on music, arts, bath stuff – but dam, like I give it my all. Trying my best to just be and not be in the way. I want to be wanted – but by myself but it’s like every corner you turn, either red tape, or a pitfall. Not being the one everyone depends on, and instead, finding myself depending on those around me, the whole 1 person that is here. How much pressure can Greg withstand before he bursts? I am not your typical type of pressure. He is strong and he has withstood some pretty trying moments thus far. I am a good to him, but dealing with me is trying. I am typically running 150 mph, even sitting still. I often look distracted, or I want to talk his ear off, there is minimal in between. I am sensitive, and can read way too far into people’s actions, although typically not wrong on reading their intentions.
This question “how long before he bursts” rings in my ears almost daily.
I am often afraid to thoroughly enjoy the good moments because I know they are shadowed with the bad. But maybe if I revert the thought process, and said the bad is lined with the good. Sounds more hopeful right? Sometimes just our outlook on things can change the outcome, mainly because the outcome is really the take away. I’ve always tried to look at the good in all situations, and even still do, but I will say, after a while, it is hard to find good when too much bad has been found in what I thought was the good. After a while, you just want to be surprised by a situation – like can something please just work out, AND yet, it already has.
You see that is the point of writing, as I am writing this – just that very statement – seeing it – writing it – I know that a lot of good has come – but trusting that it is in fact good – not sure I have arrived at that spot yet.
It is almost like watching the night fall knowing the sun will rise, but also knowing that just like the sun rising, it will fall. That repetition in rise to fall can create a chaos within one’s mind, the thing is, one’s mind is not equipped to measure success without standing back from it’s position to be able to observe all that it has in fact accomplished. 10 years ago my goal was to remove myself from a physically abusive relationship. That goal was accomplished, achieved and by far exceeded any expectations of the reality of a survivor. I am in fact surviving. My goals today, they are drastically different than 10 years ago – but once we reach a goal – we often forget about that accomplishment because we are on to chasing the next goal, then the next, then the next.
Chasing or running, I still haven’t decided which is which. It could be either, or both. All of our goals are different too. I have business goals, but the ones I work on the most, are those that have to do with my interactions with others. My goals the last few years has been working on fixing how I not only receive, process, and deliver information, but also work on being better about my engagement levels with people. I can pay attention without paying attention, but I am working on actually stopping for a second to give people the attention they actually deserve, instead of the half assed attention I currently bless them with. Even though I might be hearing every single word, and I am empathizing or sympathizing with people, I’m not really giving them the love they deserve by not. Now I am not saying this is an easy process. I can say these things, but these are mind processes and things that sometimes we have a hard time controlling because if we all could, we wouldn’t be here, in this place. The thing is, the people that are here, still involved in my life, here today, these people, they are wonderful to me. Greg, Katie, my mom. My friends here, online. I have developed good, healthy relationships with most of those people around me, including myself, the one I’ve been working on for the past 4-5 years now.
Most of the time, it’s lack of motivation for people. For me, I have motivation in an over abundant supply. I also have creativity. Those two things keep me intrigued, always wanting to do. Always wanting to create, make, just doing something. Keeping my hands busy, creating something new out of what was, even if what was was nothing but scraps left behind by others, but never creating the same thing. Might have similar qualities, might have similar recipes, scents, but never same colors, the colors are for me. I like to have control over not having control of the colors. This often makes it a little complex when you run a soap business because when people get something they like, they want the same thing over again – and unfortunately – I just don’t want my business to be ran that way. I want to have artistic freedom, which is the sole purpose of having your own business. I realized, I actually have the authority to do that, even though it sounds selfish. But hear me out. When I started I Smell Cakes and Candy, it started off here, on WordPress. Just a blog, an outlet for me. Then a few months later, I started the cake decorating, and started blogging that, and then in April 2020, we added the bath essentials line. I love it. I love creating. I love making beautiful soaps filled with essential oils that are loving to the skin and to the soul. I love watching the colors unfold and I love cutting, smelling, and using the soap I create. It’s incredibly satisfying. It relieves some of that pressure – even if only for a little while.
Of course, until….
You start setting up at the flea market and while the sales weren’t great – they were enough to keep me busy but it was also keeping me broke. The non-stop production but not making any money because of the cost of the table – giving extra table discounts, just we simply weren’t making enough money to continue to go.
I am in a constant state of pain. My hip, which went wrongly diagnosed for a long time, and even though it hurts in my hip, it’s actually compression in my spine, but anyways, it hurts down my right leg at all times. My stomach, which lately, I have been getting some minor relief with some of the dietary changes, the fruit waters I’ve been making, and the walking but my gastroparesis fucking sucksssss.. Do you know how embarrassing it is when almost every other time your boyfriend comes home for lunch your in the bathroom? Or how when you plan your trips, you have to be cautious about eating anything because you don’t want to be embarrassed in public if your stomach doesn’t agree with it. It is awful, and I’ve already been completely broken in front of Greg one day when my stomach, after having a wonderful meal, we went for a walk, and like part of my soul died that night. Greg has always been a trooper and just is supportive, but like it’s mortifying. It almost feels like your body is trying to die and your forcing it to stay alive.
After a while, that fight to stay alive, that fight to do better, be better, it gets exhausting. Like right now, I’m sitting in the chair, I’ve walked around the house, I’ve stretched my back out, and yet I’m still sitting here, typing this like nothing is wrong, but in reality I keep trying to get some flexibility on my right side by gently lifting my pelvic gently back and forth. I have to go for now. It’s been a great night of writing. Chapter 3 isn’t quite done yet.
It’s been a few weeks since I have wrote – a promise to release Chapter 3 now for months, it is finally here though. But before I released – I just wasn’t quite finished yet.
Today we talk about the 7.
Aye and we are all excited to discuss it – especially since I know there have been questions surrounding them or us or whatever.
So, I guess this is also where we should tell you that there is in fact 8. We just don’t talk about 8 very often as 8 is the card we never want to pull out, so we refer to us as the 7 cards with an optional one for extreme emergencies. I will be honest – the 8 card is the biggest mystery.
So, first I guess I should explain for those that have no idea what the 7 cards are. The 7 cards, I refer to, are my personalities or sides. I will also explain something – this is me. I am explaining who I am, what is underneath, what is in my head, and should not be used as a diagnosis as all people’s conditions and conditioning is vastly different.
This is just simply me, exposed.
So my cards. These beautiful bitches are not individuals, and I am fluidly each of them. They are all the same. I feel the need to explain this here because my doctor’s diagnosis of Dis-associative Identity Disorder would automatically make you assume that within a Jessica there is a Susan, Karen, etc, but in fact there is not. Within a Jessica is still all Jessica but within that Jessica, I have 7, technically 8, sides that come to the surface when needed or provoked. I do not go in and out of personalities as I have watched others in research do, as I was not fond of my doctor mentioning this diagnosis – but I guess he knew that I wouldn’t be – and did it gently with an observing “tell me what you think when I say dis-associative Identity disorder” – which he has seen me long enough to know that automatically I was like nah – I know all my cards – as we are known associates. Sounds like a joke – but my therapist – he is good – and I know what he did there. He mentioned it so I would go home and research it and become comfortable with it on my own as he knows this is how that has to happen. An intellectual way of having a patient come into their diagnosis without force feeding it down their throat – which would never work with my alpha personality.
So some things about my cards.
Well each of them is a feeling, or a defensive mechanism for a feeling.
My number 1 card – she is strong – she is who I summons to the surface when I want to record, when I feel strong, confident, or need to feel strong and confident – but she only comes to the surface when she feels like it – she cannot be made to come – she can be asked, and if she is willing, she will come, but she comes on her own time. She is often times who I consider the “Momma Rapper” of my cards. She is confident, well read, can speak clearly, no fumbling, and when she is on the surface, all other cards sit, and listen, and do not interrupt. She is the “queen” of my cards and all my other cards respect her position, and respect her insight as she is the most clairvoyant of all of my cards. When she is present, I am grounded, calm. It is also a time in which I don’t speak much and if I do, it is only for recording.
Card # 2 – The “Me” card. This is the card I am most of the time. The bubbly, bimbo, cute, funny, laughing, not overly engaged, but always engaged, distracted, focused, chatty. The “2” I think represents the dual nature of this card. It is the “bipolar” card. The card that can see from multiple perspectives, the card that can be a little smart with a little stupid and be okay with it. It is also my most passive card as well. There’s not a lot of feeling with #2 – #2 is work and day to day activities with really no emotion. This card, when present, it is hard to focus, but a great time to multitask on activities between creative and logical. This is often when I do a nice blend of soap making, blogging, and video creations, as my attention span is often very limited with #2.
Card #3 – the “sex” card. One of my favorite cards. #3 is my horny card. #3 has two sides as well. A very submissive and a very dominant side. My sexuality, I have often struggled with. Most victims of sexual assault often do. Kinks that were created from abuse – it sounds morbid, but in reality – those is how most kinks are created. Even saying that – there is a side of me that says “how could I possibly like a man to smack my ass or strong hold me after I went through what I went through” but I do. I always have. I just always expected the spouse to be able to differentiate acceptable play and unacceptable play. This card I can pull out at any time, she is the most flexible of all of my cards. I will say, when she is present, I do have a different look in my eye. One that Greg has grown to notice and even says “hey #3 when she is present” The biggest kink I have – dress up time. I love dressing up sexy, but never did until I was single. Then I found myself @Torrid buying some of their cutest lingerie, then I would sit in front of my mirror alone, in Tampa, snapping pics of all the sexy outfits. I was never comfortable in relationships doing this, not until I met Greg. He loves dress up time – and now that he is back on day shift – dress up time will be happening more often! Bow chicka wow wow. And listen you can think what you want here – but as we age there is one thing that is certain. People love sex. We love to feel wanted. We all just need to learn to do it in a healthy and happy way. I have been becoming more and more comfortable with my sexuality because I have been more understanding of what shapes my sexuality and my sexual needs. I think all too often we hold back our sexual desires in fear of judgment but I think if we allow ourselves to become more confident in our sexual needs, our emotional needs become met as well. I mean if you are connected enough to speak to each other about your sexual desires, then you are paying attention to each other’s emotions and feelings – accomplishing a more enlightened and stronger bond in your relationship. Or it will make it completely bust because they were never the person for you anyways. One thing to note – #3 is also super sensitive. If she is rejected, she slides to #7 and that isn’t fun.
#4 the “reader” – The reader or observer. My #4 is quiet, reserved, and often times this is when you will find me reading or taking in information. #4 has a thirst for knowledge and personal enlightenment. Slightly sexual but in this sexual nature – it is an intellectual sexy. She is also the tease and really prefers to be left alone to gather perspectives. 4 doesn’t carry much emotion, as she is more driven by information, data.
#5 the “writer” – The writer is the “balance” of my cards. It is the card that is pulled when my emotions are in balance, and when I can express my thoughts, and when I can tie to them to my emotions without getting too emotional. The balance is strong, but she is also weak, and can go either way at any moment. The writer has very little space between the reader and #6 as the space between all of them start to narrow as we go down the list. The writer has to be careful because the writer can slip into #6 very easily, and the further we get away from #1 the closer we get to #8 (the demon) and the progression doesn’t take long as this point to get there. The writer can express clearly but as we all know when we are comfortable to express sometimes we inch over to where it can be pretty painful, and that is what takes us to #6.
#6 the “emotional” card. Aye – here we cry. We cry at the dog for cuddling with you, we cry at the spoon falling in the sink to the left and not to the right, poor spoon, we cry at the way our boyfriend says “I love you” and you know he means it. You cry at “Lose Yourself” by Eminem because you have survived so much. This card is nothing but a river of tears, and it could be happy, sad, fear. The outcome here could go either way. I’m a big believer that crying is a form of self cleansing – and it is required to rid your body of pain. Sometimes I emerge from #6 back into #2 and then other times – we slip right into #7
I’m a big believer that crying is a form of self cleansing – and it is required to rid your body of pain.
#7 the “shutdown” card – here there is no crying, there is no emotion – there is no life, there is an empty shell pretending to exist with others while in my mind rendering my life and all of my actions, and all of the pain. Shutdown is the darkest of the cards, without including #8 and really #8 isn’t dark. The shutdown card is one I try to avoid, but she is necessary in this house. Sometimes it is necessary for me to go there because there is also where I recuperate. While shutting down seems bad to everyone, for me it isn’t always. Sometimes the shutting down is healthy. I came back feeling revived – but this typically only happens when I put myself there – if #7 is pulled because of an emotional trigger – the outcome is different. If #7 is pulled because of pain, hurt feelings, it takes a while for me to snap back. I don’t have as much control over #7 when it is triggered by others as much as I do when I trigger her myself. If I pull her to the front, then that means I need to shut down for a bit to reorganize, re-calibrate, but if Joe Blow pulled her to the surface the outcome and control is different. Not much emotion here – pretty much an empty shell of human – eyes here are typically a little darker. (there are physical traits that you can notice if you pay attention, or if your therapist enlightens you about it) aye now the “we don’t talk about card”
#8 the”we don’t talk about her” or “demon” card. I would say this is the darkest of the cards, but I will be honest here – she isn’t. While I really don’t know much about this card as this is my black out card, one thing I know is when I do picture her in a physical form, she is smiling with blood on her hands saying, I’ve had enough, and went crazy. Sounds like a joke, but really it’s incredibly scary. I’ve only blacked out a few times in my life that I know of. There is a chunk of my life I can’t remember. I think this is where those memories are stored. She is the most defensive one of the team, she is the fighter, but she wasn’t always here, she is also the most dangerous, and also why she needs to stay in the shadows. I feel like 1-7 have been with me my entire life, I feel like #8 developed over the span of my life, or it’s the other way, and #8 has always been here – and #1-7 are here to balance out #8. #8 – I fear. I fear my own safety when #8 is present. I also fear the safety of others. I am clear minded enough to say that I would never hurt anyone, but as I say that I also know #8 is saying “when provoked anything is possible” A point that you get to when you quite simply have had enough pain. When I am in #7 inching over to #8 – this is often times where I talk about being committed or I go under intense therapy. #8 – I think her main job is protection and defense – but not sure when provoked if she will know when to stop, because as history has shown, she doesn’t – but since we are in #2 card today – we do know when to stop! And that is all for today!
This was incredibly freeing speaking about my cards.
Next chapter we will deep dive more into my cards, the pain, and how we are all recovering!