Sometimes it is so hard to start a story, and then other times, it flows like a river after a thunderstorm. I often find that sometimes my writing is limited to the moments where I am either at full peace, or full chaos, there is no in between. I envy the writers that can just pick up a pen and gracefully bless us with a story like no other. That won’t be this story. This story will be written and delivered just like the beautiful mess that I am. The story, it may or may not make sense. There will be points to where I am clear and then there may be points that will leave you confused. Don’t worry – I’ll be right there with you!
I often get distracted or one story will lead to another sometimes derailing the original point of the story but somehow, some way, we will still end up at the destination intended, even if not the original intention.
Sounds like a riddle right? Maybe it is, I mean, let’s be honest, the inner workings of our brain is exactly that, a riddle, or maybe an experiment. Either way, we are just winging it until we have a better understanding of ourselves or those around us by exposing it to a variety of different elements, or engagements that create what we know as to be ourselves.
Life is just one large experiment. Relationships, jobs, money. Each and every thing in our life done by learning from our actions we previously set forth with modifications. The modifications created by whatever errors there were previously made in which the action did not work as it was intended. Think about everything you do in this life, even day to day actions. As you age, you learn, you grow, and most of the time, that learning is often unnoticed. Even getting ready for work. When you start a new job, the way you get ready the first day will change drastically by the second week. That is because you are learning what is working best for you and your schedule. Often times we don’t notice these little learning exercises, but we do them day in and day out. Relationships work same way. Not just within an intimate relationship but from every relationship to the next. We learn what our needs are, the things we can and can’t put up with. Relationships often fail because we forget that we need to learn and educate ourselves about the needs of our spouses, and more importantly, the needs of ourselves.
How often do we get the two mixed up. The needs of ourselves, and the needs of others, and exactly what are our needs? Do you, as you are reading or the listener, listening or reading this, do you even know what your needs are? Do you speak openly in your relationship about your feelings, about love, about intimacy? Or do you seek shelter in the comfort of others as opposed to finding those settling moments with the person there is some unsettling with? How many times do you get upset with your lover, and the first thing you do is pick up your phone and reach out to a friend, or maybe an ex, or maybe someone who you have your eye on?
I almost find it amusing that people will share their home but not share their feelings, something that I’ve even had an issue with, up until the last few years. Now I don’t keep my mouth shut. Maybe it stems from being single for so long, or maybe it stems from too much for too long and now I just have to be open and honest about everything I do. I talk about some of the most difficult things with Greg. Things that sometimes I can tell even he is uncomfortable but that is the point of the conversations, to make us both feel comfortable in sometimes an uncomfortable situation.
You may ask yourself, well what kind of conversations would they be having that would be so intense. Well for one, we discuss mental health on a daily basis, both of us checking on the other and where we are at. Two, we discuss things that may be uncomfortable for most. Things involving sex, intimacy, past experiences, and the most complex of them all, feelings, and of course how they all tie in together.
I think these conversations, or discussions, are necessary. For one, I don’t know how to let things go unless I understand them. I have to be able to piece the puzzle together, stand back, observe the result, fully understand how the pieces fit together, otherwise I won’t get it. Part of that has stems from distrust. You may ask yourself, how is that? Think about it, how many times have you been told a story and it just doesn’t make sense, but then you move on, and then later you find out that the reason the story didn’t make sense is because you were missing vital information that ultimately changes the perception of the story.
Now, depending on your perception of what we are going to go into, you may sit back and say, this is a clear sign of a jealous personality, something I have even been told throughout my life. But let’s dig deeper into that for a minute.
Because I even often question myself, is it jealousy? I mean the definition of jealousy is “feeling or showing suspicion of someone’s unfaithfulness in a relationship”. But what if it isn’t even about suspicion of unfaithfulness? What if it is more of a fear of something even deeper. Some jealousy has nothing to do with the fear of the partners intimacy with someone else. Let me repeat that again, some jealousy has nothing to do with the fear of the partners intimacy with someone else. I believe that what some people classify as jealousy is actually a fear of safety in a relationship. Not physical safety, but more emotional and mental safety.
Paranoia stems from fear. I would say that when it comes to relationships, love, friendships, it’s never been about jealousy. It has always been fear.
How many times in a lifetime do you have to be hurt in some type of capacity to where you reach a point of paranoia to where you question everyone and everything around you?
Family, friends, spouses.
I have had my life in jeopardy too many times at the hands of others and too often for me not to fear even the slightest questionable act in a relationship. Something that most of the time is a huge barrier in relationships, and something that Greg has had to adapt and adjust to. Doesn’t sound that difficult right? Hmm, well it is and isn’t.
For him our life is filled with a lot of laughs, and when I mean a lot, I mean A LOT. I am naturally a happy woman. I wake up in the morning, I walk my dogs, I start my coffee, and off to the races I go. While I don’t have a regular job, I do put in about 18 hours a day doing a variety of different things that’s building our future . Obviously I make the bath bombs and the soaps, then I share and mingle online, go live, then doing my social networking and blog updating. Doesn’t sound like much right, until you look at my contact page and realize I am juggling more pages than problems. I make Greg food before he is even hungry. Blessing his belly with whatever crazy, weird, and unique nonsense I cook for the day. Our life, it’s pretty simple, and yet incredibly complex. Most days, chill, relaxed, like most others.
But then there are those dark days. These days, sometimes created by one issue, or a combination of ones, that will cloud over the day till dark falls, and even then, as the light slips away from this side of the earth, even a deeper darkness will walk with every step by my side. Almost like Peter Pan’s shadow following him around, my aura, when tested, tried, or taunted, can feel like a darkness that when tilted the wrong way could emancipate a firestorm creating pure chaos and destruction.
Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has been around me when I am around anyone I don’t want to be around, or in a situation where I am uncomfortable. The room changes. The dark lights up the room. If you don’t believe that darkness can create a light, then you have never really been in complete darkness.
I can see better in the darkness than in the light. A condition that can be marked up to having blue eyes, or maybe something that could be deeper.
Up until recently I never really gave my subconscious too much thought. Every pun intended. I think this comes with age, experience. Knowing and understanding ourselves is the most difficult task that we are faced with and and yet we are expected to know and understand all those around us even though we don’t have a clear understanding of ourselves.
A task all too often we don’t take the time to do. Some people – that doesn’t affect them at all. People that walk through their lives, just doing. That understanding of others, not needed, not necessary – I’ve always envied those people. And as I am saying that – how do I know that is even how it is for them?? How often do people even discuss their inner thoughts. The shit that circles around in your head that no one other than you can hear – but they have such an impact on every single action we take – yea those little thoughts, those little voices. You can say you don’t have them but I will then proceed to tell you that you are full of shit. We all have them. We all have those little voices in our heads that have our desires, our fears, our love, and the things we hate. Those little voices that we fear anyone hearing. Let’s not say that too loud to where my psychiatrist hears me, he will go into a longer conversation about of course DID. These little voices will either convince us to do or to not do something out of fear.
Fear, to me, is what drives most of everything. A lot of people say money, but I will say fear. Think about it. Money is just a soothing point for security for people, I am part of that crowd too. It is how we survive, the fear of what will happen without it is what drives most of our actions. Same thing as love. Most relationships are broken because each fears pain from the other – so survival of the fittest – who is gonna hurt who, and when? Not if, just when. We will love to the greatest point until their is pain, deception – until the fear of survival is instilled into the relationship. Once it is – the minds start racing – and it’s off to war until the relationship completely fizzles out.
Now I am not saying that relationships can’t survive after pain has been injected – but that recovery stage will be a mother fucker. The fears overshadowing every action, intent. But the problem with all of this to begin with – we set our expectations of our interpersonal relationships by the concept of what they should look like based on society’s standards. But how is a standard going to work when the variables are too variant? We all have different backgrounds, exposed to different elements, we all have different needs, but all too often – we ignore those needs that would make us feel whole to make sure others aren’t left with any holes on how they perceive you or your situation. How many times do you not do something because you fear the backlash of how you will be perceived by others, even if that one thing would put a smile on your face? But it isn’t just about how you are perceived though – it could also be how it affects your current relationships, but what if people’s relationship needs are more complex than the “standard”. I think all too often pain gets injected into the relationship because their is a need that needs to be fulfilled, but maybe it is so much deeper than sex but that is all we know.
I have always feared my needs too. Let’s be honest – no one speaks this much in detail about it – if it isn’t something that you, yourself haven’t went through yourself. My needs – those I am still figuring out. My first and foremost need in any situation is truth. Truth is the thing that all relationships ride on – but often the one thing that people can’t do – even if it was to save their relationship – or save themselves. Our own truths are what we battle with the most. Our own needs, we fear them the most.
And often times – those needs – those desires – they open up the doors to darkness within. Those needs shaped by past experiences, past relationships, past failures.
So what happens when we open the doors to the darkness?
How we go from one point to the next, well that really depends on you. How open minded are you to your own thoughts to be willing to accept mine? Are you going to leave this safe place of mine, maybe not feeling so safe, or maybe feeling safer? I mean, I guess, we will all walk away from this story carrying something different from it, including myself.
Still our destination, it’s unknown to the reader, unknown to the writer, but isn’t that all good stories? If we had it all mapped out – then I’m not sure there would be much to hold onto. We like the thrill, we like the excitement, we like the suspense, we like the intrigue, and simply stated, since I don’t know where I am going – and yet still quite excited to get there – I have a feeling, you are just as equally as excited.
Teasing I suppose. Being a full grown female, that is something I am pretty good at. Whether it is in the physical sense or the mental sense, I can pique a mind by either my absolute craziness or my complete darkness, the versions vary from person to person and are incredibly reactive. Now I will not say that my mood is always contingent upon someone else’s actions, but I can tell you that in most cases, they are, and I can tell in most cases, they are for you too. Most of how we feel it’s in reaction to how others perceive us or how we believe them to perceive us, but what if both were vastly screwed because both are often shielded by reality.
Think about how many times you held back something about yourself, fearing lack of acceptance, fearing judgement. Two stones people get confused on which to throw, most only throwing stones of judgement, rather than the stone of acceptance, because neither are taught correctly. Our parental driving forces differ from household to household and from one generation to the next, but one thing that is consistent, acceptance is often the last thing we properly teach ourselves or our children.
If we don’t understand how to accept ourselves, our flaws, our pasts, how the fuck do we expect anyone else to?
What if I told you that our most vital need is acceptance?
Acceptance to feel loved despite other needs to feel satisfied in this life..
Whatever that need be, acceptance. A choice to live your life as you choose without reprimand, with only support. A life in which you are free to express, free to feel, free to be whoever you are, deep inside.
The thing is, if you paint your house pink, and all the other houses around you are blue, someone is going to come in and say you are doing it all wrong because that is not the color they would have selected. Thank God it wasn’t their choice, but problem is, at this moment, we are talking about paint, and acceptance to that is a little easier to understand than other needs that may not be as accepted.
What if I told you that the way we view life, no matter the similarities, the take away will still vary from person to person? How could it possibly be the same when our interpretation followed by ingestion and digestion will differ as it flows through your body.
Put 10 people in a room, hang one picture, you will have 10 different views as long as you ask them individually what they had seen. Ask them as a group and the variances won’t be as vast because some will agree and conform to those around them to avoid being looked at as odd for having a different interpretation, but how could you not when so many elements affect how receive information and how we react to it. Some reactions aren’t the same due to different genetic makeup. Just like all of our eyes see different hues, different shades, depending on how healthy our eyes are, we also receive and process information differently from one person to the next, depending on the soil in which we grew. How much love, attention, how much damage, all things relative to where we stand at today.
Now that may sound discouraging, especially since I know all too well how dark this life can be and how much damage life itself can inflict upon someone, but have you ever watched a dying plant come back to life? When removed from the damaging environment, sheltered, feed nourishment’s, and given love and attention, all the sudden, the plant will come back to life. Watching the pale, wilted wings of a leaf, all the sudden begin to turn a deep green, gradually, vein for vein, it is on of the most beautiful experiences you could ever gaze your eyes upon. Life restoring in each and every leaf, from the bottom of the plant, to the top. Legitimately watching life be restored simply by removing it from it’s damaging environment and giving it the nourishment, love and care it needs to not only survive, but to thrive, to grow.
Imagine if more of us did the exact same thing for ourselves, our souls, our hearts, our minds, our bodies? Isolating ourselves from the toxins that make you not feel whole, holding you back from your full potential. What happens when a plant does’t get the right sunlight, right amount of water, right amount of nutrients? Just like our human soul, the plant dies, leaving behind only a shell, a carcass of what was, a dream of what could be, until even that withers away to it’s final resting place in the soil. Unlike the plant, we as 2 legged creatures, actually have the ability to remove ourselves from the soil that may not be suited for us, but often we do not, mainly because we fear being alone even though sometimes that is exactly what we need. Some of the biggest trees grow in isolation, there is nothing hindering their growth. Nothing absorbing the needed nutrients to fix the damage left behind from the previous storm. A recovery period needed so much, yet so avoided. I mean it makes sense when we break an arm, to bandage it, wrap it, rest it before trying to use it again – but we don’t do that with a broken heart.
Now that recovery time will vary from person to person just like a broken arm, but if you constantly find yourself in complex, confusing, hurtful relationship, and you keep asking yourself, “is the problem me” – buckle up buttercup – I like to keep it blunt – but the answer is yes.
Now that reality might piss you off, it did for me too, and the reality of why might piss you off even more. But here is the thing…..
What is one thing that is constant in each of these bullshit relationships??
U+A=bullshit U+B=bullshit U+C=bullshit – YOU CAN SEE U is the problem. Either U is not chemically sound to be blended with anyone until some revamping to the formula is completely – or the selection of chemicals you are trying to mix it with isn’t the right selection for U
You can be mad me at me all ya want – me to bitch, me too.
But again, who is really ready to have that conversation?
One that says, hey, I was the toxic one. Yea, one husband cheated, one husband liked to attach my face to his fists , and well the last one – that was the mind fuck man, but again – that shit is on me. Not many people are willing to admit that even though we are the ones with the scars, the bloody souls, that we, we are the toxic ones, to ourselves, and to others. We don’t give ourselves the proper care and love, just moving about life, bleeding over each and every relationship jumping from one to the next. Now we are quick to give love and care to others, even if it drains all that is good, all that is healthy from every inch of what is remaining in our souls, but it is still poisoned by the past, and it easily infects as it flows from one soul to the next, because what does not heal, will continue to hurt, and just like a horrible virus, it will ultimately infect each and every single relationship it comes into contact with until the hurt is healed.
Now what happens when healing the hurt opens the gates to hell? When a deep buried darkness that drives whatever forces are driven by your needs is unveiled frame by frame as though all the sudden the problem to the equation is finally figured out. The moment of relief, and yet also the moment of panic.
Almost like in the movies when you see them find a missing person, but then soon realize there is a bomb attached to them.
I mean the mind has a way of playing funny tricks on it. Breaching reality from fantasy on a daily basis. Our what is right in front of us – what is painted on the palette – and what is really behind it – two separate things. What we see – and what is really there – only known under microscope, and even then you will only know the chemical composition in the material, but the artist’s intentions, all up for interpretation – and the true meaning behind it – maybe something only known to the subconscious of the artist themselves.
Now, I found this to be true as time progressed after releasing Matter Undermined. The song, named by Greg, it’s his beat, but was very prevalent of some pretty dark times in my life. The song starts with a chorus that repeats dreaming and screaming on the intro – a clear sign of a struggle between me dealing with a fight, getting exhausted from it – but still dreaming of a better day – but the song has some extremely concerning mentions in it. Not realizing it at the time, but once at a healing point, there was a moment of realization that with each and every word, my writing was trying to teach me something about myself. Maybe a warning sign, maybe something more. Each and every time I hear it now, I can tell where I was at, not just emotionally but mentally. A vast change of where I am at now, but looking back, I can definitely tell that at the time, I was struggling. My subconscious definitely trying to expose a deeper rooted pain that may have been buried so far into the darkness, that, up until I dug deeper into the darkness would I find it.
Isn’t it funny how that happens though? How our writing, our expressive or creative nature can expose, when observed, a process your mind is going through – that at the moment when you are creating – you are not sure what you are feeling, and sometimes, not feeling anything at all, but the need, the yearning, the process, you know that if you don’t get it out, if you don’t let the pain flow from the soul, down to the arm, into the hand, into the pen, making it’s final resting place on the paper that some catastrophic episode may occur, mainly mental unrest.
Sometimes we don’t understand why we do what we do, or how the events unfold, but once they do, and all the dust settles, for some reason, it always seems to make sense. Of course the time frame in which they make sense can very from person to person, or situation to situation – but again – whether it be 5 minutes down the line, or 5 years, at some point, something that did not make sense, eventually will. The result can either bring great peace, or great disturbance.
Kind of like when you figure out that the reason why your significant other comes home so late is because they are being unfaithful. A sense of peace – finally understanding the confusion, flows through your body, but once the flash is gone – the unsettling truth remains, you have been hurt, you have been deceived, and the most hurtful of them all – the falsification of love. That reality, for most, is the root of most of all of their evil. We take the pain, the hurt, and we pass it from one to the next. Being a carrier of deceit, the carrier of evil, all shielding ourselves from the grim reality, that we are toxic, that we are the problem in our relationships.
A person will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I am survivor – we can argue that point all day. And that is where we will scuff the surface of my own personal darkness – but we are not quite there yet – but that storm is coming – I can feel it in the way the story keeps unfolding. Almost like feeling the wind brisk along your arm right before a storm. We are not quite ready for that – because like I said – I feel as though there always has to be a complete understanding of all of the elements involved that got us to the end result of this equation, because if not, how are you going to understand the end result completely?
Now let’s circle back to the allowing ass holes to be assholes.
And I mean all assholes. I am talking about the people we deal with on a day to day basis. Everyone from our intimate relationships, to our work relationships, to our friendships, each and every connection.
Are they harmonious? Are they fluid? Is there drama? What is the driving force that keeps you in these relationships/ friendships if they are not filled with love, and acceptance? Is it because they are blood related? Baby daddy’s, baby momma’s? Friends? Partners?
No one can look at me and say that at no point in their life had they ever experienced heartbreak, most have, and at a substantial magnitude at that, in at least one of the areas listed above, or more commonly, a combination of them.
Lack of self acceptance, and lack of love, two things that are needed to thrive, and yet two things we don’t even do for ourselves.
The harsh reality is that accepting ourselves would also be admitting to ourselves that we acknowledge our faults, our flaws. That we see them, and once we see them, we see them.
And once it is seen by you, the most critical observer of your own self, it can not be undone. The one person that judges you the most is you.
The most critical of them all – yep, I said it, you. Cause let’s be honest, no one really knows what goes on inside of your head, but you, and even then, sometimes even your mind shields you from the reality that is you.
Gaze upon the distance, the winds are picking up….
Chapter 3 coming soon…….