Never Good Enough, Second Child Syndrome

Now before I even get started in this I would like clarify one major thing.

I had/have good parents. Loving, crazy, in love with each other, struggling financially but happy caring parents. My parents were married from the time my mom was 18 till my father passed away. My damage did not come from childhood ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏonce we become adults we need to own that and grow out of our childhoods. While hard to do, mindset is key. Therapy and love๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ

There are traits tho that we pick up along the way, and shit I’m just now realizing how deep they go. Traits that once recognized can be worked on. One of those for me is having that deep “I’m not good enough”.

Now this is a revelation that has unfolded for me just recently. Some of you that are following me on here or Instagram or Twitter or Facebook already know what’s up hahahaha. I have been working on me.

Now let me tell you something momma spends a lot of hours studying in every capacity.

I’ve always been driven and always had a thirst to create be artistic or whatever you want to call it. Now growing up, my family was somewhat traditional. Brother, first born. Me, the second. Growing up my parents encouraged us, even though financially I know it put a strain on them. My brother he is naturally intelligent, I on the other hand, am a bit more complicated ๐Ÿ˜ . I will be straight honest with the shit. I spend a lot of time researching stupid shit that I will probably never use but hey inquiring minds wants to know๐Ÿ™ƒ

I have to do this tho๐Ÿ™„

Practice makes perfect ๐Ÿ™Œ

I know how to do a lot of diy stuff only because we have been forced to. I was determined that regardless of our financial status my daughter would still have nice things. Yeah her clothes were bought off a clearance rack, out of season, and with coupons but like I have always said, I can make poor look pretty, I’ve had lots of training๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿ‘ผ

I always cooked at home, and made Katie’s cakes. For her 18th bday I wanted her to have one of those fancy 18th bday cakes, well bakeries are expensive and like I live paycheck to paycheck like most people.

So I stayed up, watching videos, practicing and practicing until I figured it out. Something I have done my entire life. Things came naturally to bubba. Naturally intelligent. I had to read, and read again and think it out before understanding. Something I still do. But once I get it, I master it.

That feeling of not good enough filtered to adult life, in my relationships. Often falling for the wrong type of relationship mainly because there’s that deep rooted I’m not good enough for good.

That mindset is hard to overcome. I’ve always been driven, but stayed at mediocre because deep down, never felt good enough for good.

It might not make sense to some but I know there are others out there that know what I am talking about. When you tail an older sibling, your entire childhood, although not the intention by anyone, becomes a competition.

And bubba man, he is smart, full of natural talent. I hope he doesn’t read this cause it will go right to his already big headed ego. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

When I say I spent hours learning how to pipe those dam roses, I spent hours. To the point of having blisters on my thumbs.

My daughter though, she had faith in me and that’s all I needed to push myself past that “I can’t do this”

Shit if I made it through her teen years then I can make it through some sugar and butter. And yeah now I pipe roses to near butter perfection. Again because of practice, and the more I do it, the better I will become.

Here comes the music aspect. Now for those that have been around you are probably like why can’t she stick to one avenue. Well because I am complicated with many interests because I am nosy and I like learning how to do shit k ๐Ÿ‘Œ ADD for real tho. ๐Ÿ˜‹

One thing most people don’t know, is that I used to sing a lot, in the shower, in private, or when it was just me and Kate. Cause let’s be honest a voice without confidence doesn’t sound great. I can remember something someone said once growing up, “doesn’t matter if she can sing, it shows she is happy let her be. ” I don’t know which one of my parents said it but one of them.

I always loved singing, and always used to poke fun, yeah I can’t sing but I am going to anyways. But I only would in the company of those around me who just didn’t care. Which was crazy cause before my second marriage I would do karaoke from time to time but liquid courage always helped.

My ex often picked on me about it, and instead of arguing, it was better to just be quiet. Something I gained quite familiar with. Often times why, when I would get around my friends I would talk their ear off, cause I wasn’t allowed to talk at home. But of course you get tired of that so eventually you open your mouth and then remember quickly why you shut your mouth to begin with.

That not feeling good enough often leads to horrible Relationships, so I’mma stop here and say if you are reading this and feel like this from time to time, do not get into another relationship until you grow out of that. You will leave yourself open to be preyed upon by the same types or men. And always save yourself. If a man is trying to save you, often times it is because he is holding a different type of abuse for you. I went from physical abuse and hopped in bed with emotional abuse.

Raise yourself up so you can set the bar higher. Something I never realized I needed to do, until recently. I always accepted less than what I deserved and often stayed when I should have left. That not feeling good enough because of ur past is just shit.

Shit we tell ourselves because we often don’t feel good enough. Something many will make you feel because your success means their failure. And it doesn’t have to be, but it is.

Often times men that prey on weak women or vice versa, it’s because they know they hold that title as your savior, something they love holding onto. A narcissistic move made by many.

Keeping you down helps keep them up.

I put goggles on. I won’t even lie. I don’t even see the negatives any more. Hell I don’t even see men anymore. I look past it all. Something I have found that in order to feel free you must do. I need to finish figuring me out, and I have found, often times the lack of ambition in relationships anymore will keep me single. I can’t stand lazy. And I want to be courted. Something most don’t even know what that means. ๐Ÿค” It’s instawife or instaf**k and nothing in between.

I spent so much time worrying about the impressions I would leave on others by being myself, I lost myself.

I am in the process of finding myself all over again and I love it.

It’s mindset people. Tell yourself you can and you will. Put in the time, own it, and shine. When you become your natural self, it becomes naturally beautiful.

You have a voice. You have a choice.

I tell myself this every day. Some things sink in, especially if you keep repeating it.

There’s even a clip of me talking to myself ๐Ÿ‘Œ doing this exact thing in Finally Standing Up

Finally Standing Up is my come back to myself song.

I do have a voice. And I do have a choice.

I will no longer live my life how others feel it should be led. We all are different and that is what makes us beautiful.

Let me be free to be me๐Ÿ˜˜


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