The Aftermath of Abuse~ the Whore Walk

I am going to get pretty real about my own life, and I know some of this might be like wow, but if you actually knew me in real life, none of this has part of my life has ever been hidden. The things you would think I should hide from the world, I find no shame in it. I did in my rapping world because that was deep-rooted insecurities. Anyways.

And some of this may sound crazy and it is, but don’t act like we don’t all have some shit that would make people say, what???

So yea if u listened to the song, and understood the lyrics than yeah.

I had an affair on my husband.

But not so much and hold your ass up, cause some of y’all like to just scrub the surface and run.

Sometimes you need to dig a little deeper. My ex husband and I were toxic. Toxic is an understatement to the amount of hell we lived in. We hated each other for so much. He was mad at me for wanting to slow down in life, and me to him for never wanting to. He loved him some bars and doing whatever wherever.

Let me also say, I was faithful and committed, a good church going with his family type wife, for most of our marriage. You deal with enough abuse, and if someone comes along with soft words, you’re quick to jump the pond.

I also never hid my relationship with my lover, and my intimate part of my relationship ended many years before that point and not even sleeping in the same rooms.

My ex had torn me down so bad, he never believed another man would look at me, not at a hefty, at that time, 340 pounds. Down nearly 90 pounds from my heaviest. Hell even his parents were ashamed of me.

Hell I didn’t even believe it when a man looked at me, and was interested in me, looking how I did. And of course he was sweet, and charming.

Now I would like to add here as well that women who are in abusive relationships, we are targets for additional abusers. They see that there is a submissive side, often promising of roses and redemption in life but in reality they just bring different abuse. For a time, I figure, maybe he was my karma for having am extramarital affair, but that I never understood, considering my ex husband was in constant back and forth with different women during our marriage, never got served any karma. Not including the ones I don’t know about or the ones he doesn’t remember. He would never hide the things he had done, and I, in a sick way, respected him for that.

Sounds crazy right, but even to this day, I still kind of do. And actually now that I think about it, more so. I mean think about it.

The relationship after my husband, he was the kind that loved to be sneaky.

And to this day I still stand by the fact that I prefer the back of a hand over a lie out the mouth.

How the hell you supposed to know who you are even with, if that person is constantly lying? And to me, when you alter the truth to get a different outcome, it just means you are trying to stop the direction of fate. Honesty sets you free on so many levels, like toxic relationships🤔

You may still be confused on how I could have an affair and not have lied about it. Well, first off, again, my ex-husband was in the firm belief no one would want me.

He would often ask who I was talking to, and I would answer with “my boyfriend”. With witnesses surrounding us. I mean let’s be 💯 for a minute. I am not saying I didn’t lie at all, I’m just saying that I didn’t hide him. To keep peace, yea there were moments of sneaky behavior but that’s what happens when you are weak and being preyed upon.

By yet another one just trying to burrow theirs claws into an empty shell.

Like I had to sit my ex husband down and pretty much like spell it out to him. I can remember, my best friend waiting outside the door, just waiting to see how it was going to go. Hospital or morgue tonight? On the contrary though. That shit hit his ego somehow and shit changed permanently.

Little by little he became weaker and I became stronger. And now I am free from all of them.

And listen if any of you are ass holes like the above mentioned, don’t come at me now with that shit. I will drop kick ur ass in the throat.

And some of y’all wonder why women turn cold cold.

One Call

The beautiful truth 😘

Please give it a listen. Feedback always appreciated.

Deception is for Dickheads Men and Women Alike

I know that I come off as a man hating feminist – but in reality – I love me some men.  I just avoid them at all costs because let’s be real – most of y’all have

RELATIONSHIP ADD

I am tired of getting hurt – so unless you come 100% I don’t want ya!

You do not have the right to be happy if you are out here hurting people because you can’t deal with your own truth.

Stop living a lie.

This one gonna hurt some

Kitchen Confessions

Being single means I can eat where ever in the house – but I also don’t want to eat alone, so standing and eating to avoiding the glare back from my pups is worth it, cause at least I ain’t alone.

hahahaha

Kitchen Confessions

Wedding Woes – The Mother of the Bride

So my beautiful angel is getting married in less that 2 weeks away.

This weekend will be wedding overdrive, especially considering, we only have 3 weeks to get it together.

I have to say though – I am quite impressed with how she is putting things together.

I can see my passive aggressive, obsessive compulsive disorder really shining through in her planning.  She has detailed lists, plans, and visions, and she is putting it together quite nicely.

She has passed out assignments – and like I like that.  She knows what she wants, and she knows who is good at what, and like I am just sitting over here, like yep – I made that – grinning from ear to ear.

My duties include cake (duh), a lot of food (splitting that with the baby daddy, yes he can cook too), hair, bouquets, some decor.

No worries, cause she gave me a list.

A little history on that – I was pegged as “Lists” in college.  Look I am a busy woman with some short term memory loss bhahaha – so yea we love us some lists.

I am proud of her.

In other news though – this boy stealing my baby -_-

 

 

Weightloss Moment Captured in Song

I was sitting out back tonight thinking about how peaceful my life, despite having to scoop dog piles tomorrow hahahaha. Lawn day. Anyways.

I had a thought. I thought myself a song using the scale noises from yesterday and made me a song to forever remember the day I got below 200 pounds.

It was a huge day to hear the 1 come thru, a number I thought I would only ever hear in the later two numbers.

I hope u give it a listen, it’s kind of cute.

Hahahaha

Steady on that Grind

198 Club

My crazy ass on a Friday

Men and Music

I am not here for men, just music.

Most definitely a man’s world.  As a woman I am trying to get honest and straightforward advice from friends and yet their focus:  NOT MUSIC

I hate when men do this.  You don’t even give yourself enough time to let a woman get to know you.  This isn’t instawife.

I would love to meet a man with similar music interests, but it has to be developed.  You come at me with “send me pics” or “you single” and immediately I lose interest.

I have posted questions, which get ignored, and yet you in my inbox?

You want to get my attention engage me with our interest in music.

 

Get my attention

My Turmoil Over The Truth – The Deeper Side

Yes, for me, there is turmoil over the truth.

You see, I am very much a truth seeker.  And not just in the relationship sector of my life, in just about any aspect of my life.  I mean I can read an article, and if it sounds a little off, I am verifying, and researching.  I mean, part of that is why I am good at my regular job.  I am incredibly analytical, and that ladies and gents is a huge issue in relationships.

Most of my jobs have surrounded around finding errors, or missing links between data.  Now I am not saying that I don’t make mistakes, I am human, and often times when typing – I am thinking so fast – that sometimes I miss words, or I may have a grammar error from time to time.  I have a fast paced life, along with a phone that is on its last leg – with plenty of broken glass that I take a risk my life on every time I am on it.  Hey times are tough, and really I am able to accomplish the things I need to, so all is well for now.

Now take that error finding personality and apply that to your home.  Now if honesty and integrity in relationships was still a valid thing, then this probably wouldn’t be an issue; however, I become almost a challenge to a man.  And we all know how men love a challenge.  Like, hmm, she good – let’s see how good, let me see what I can actually get away with before she catches on.

Well not very far.  You see, when a women tells you she is analytical – pay attention to that – because that means that by nature, even if she seems like she isn’t paying attention, she is.   This translates to knowing your schedule/ routine, and close to the minute.

Well you might be thinking – well okay – most people do.  Yea – well do you know many minutes your spouse’s shower is,or how long it takes them to cook breakfast? Basically being able to walk through their life in my own eyes, but for me, it translates to numbers.

I don’t even do it intentionally – and it isn’t immediate or overnight – it is the repetition of events that stick to my brain.  It isn’t like I am calculating either, but certain things correlate for me.  For example, if you listen to music in the shower, you listen to 3 songs, depending on the type of music – typically you can expect most songs to be between 3.5 to 5 minutes in length, so typically you can expect your shower to be between 10.5 to 15 minutes in length.  It’s the correlation that makes markers in my brain.

To further that, when people speak to me, my brain is in auto pilot and draws out a picture in my head of the events taking place, and typically can pick out errors in stories.  I don’t know – it is verbal connectivity.  I love it for work purposes – and hate it when it comes to my own personal life.

Yea – I said that – because sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Maybe if I was living in a world where deception wasn’t the new truth – then yea it wouldn’t be an issue.  And like I get it.  There is so many outlets available to people to pursue infidelity.  Everyone promising everyone to be better than the last one – but really – it is the chase people love.  Not saying there aren’t people out there that find the “one” and live happily ever after – I am just saying there is a group of us in which this is our reality.

I am not being bitter either.  How many of you would HONESTLY hand their spouse their phone, and have no concerns what so ever?  And I mean complete transparency too? No deleting.  If your spouse had access to your data files, and was able to sift through ever since piece of your life on that phone, would you have concerns?

I don’t believe in privacy in a relationship.  Yea – yea I know – OMG.  How horrible.  Say what you want – but if a man is going to be laying next to me, and inside of my body – well then there is no privacy.  Sorry not sorry.  Not off the bat – but if I am in a long term committed relationship (which is often when this starts happening), then yea.  You start acting shady – what’s up – what you doing?

You want privacy with your phone – I am gonna need some privacy with this p*****.  I know sounds bitchy – but hey – whatever – it’s my life, and honestly – if you value that phone and what is in it – over your relationship, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

When you are in your twenties you concern yourself with relationships, by the time you get to be my age – late 30s – you just want honesty and security.  My pursuit of happiness now most definitely does not include a relationship.  I am completely emotionally disconnected from the male population too.  Any advances are often not noticed, and even with they are noticed – I promptly reject the idea.  Not today Satan.  I am not joking either – I have no intention nor want the distraction or frustration that comes with dating.  I am not ready – and I don’t have to be.

I want the type of relationship that includes honestly.  I want a best friend.  Your spouse is the only one that should know the deeper side of you (in all ways hahahahaha).

Have a great week 🙂

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