Deciphering the Dynamics of a Complex Female

With the move date now July 19, we are exactly 19 days before we walk out that front door. Having the destination now has definitely relieved some on my anxiety driven mental health issues, or is it mental health related anxiety? It’s like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg 😂 I’m terrified about not having a job and after the experience with my job and realizing over the past few years how my insecurities created such setbacks. Fear of retaliation, or fear of loss in ant capacity. I don’t know. Anyways. The last two weeks have been incredibly trying with my OCD and have been feeling very under the thumb because of time constraints and just so much going on. Not inclusive to stomach issues related to my gastroparesis. Part of the reason I push so hard with my music I guess. I would rather be home making music and chilling with my dogs and writing and creating but that doesn’t pay the bills does it? I got monetized with my music with is amazing, which will now yield a little less than a penny a play, but hey it’s more than I had yesterday 😏😏

I mean that’s pretty amazing right? Monetization in 9 months? Hahaha, probably cause Momma’s push hard when it’s for their family and this Momma tired of struggling, and already see the struggle being passed down to yet another generation. Poverty is often handed down generation to generation with minimal hope of evolution. There’s a few that make it out, but how many you know don’t return?

I know one thing, staying stagnant only makes things stale. I’ve never flown in a plane, or seen snow, and yet I’m being criticized for “up-rooting my family”. My “family” is going with me. Yes my mom is here in Florida; however so is a lot of our family. I won’t be far, and let me be even further honest and say me and my mom don’t really see each other that much, even living only 30 minutes apart. My mom is a strong woman, and knows I’m only a phone call away.

And anyone else that has an opinion about my life, I guess they should’ve showed up for Christmas dinner to voice their opinions. We would’ve talked about it 😏

Oh wait 🙄

I spent Christmas alone 🤔

And I mean alone, alone. Just me and my mutts.

Now mind you my baby daddy and I alternate Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and even tho my daughter is grown, we still vibe to that.

I wrote Warning: I’m Dangerous on Christmas 😂

My songs or writings have always been therapeutic for me.

And let me say, the song to this day is still therapeutic 😂😂

My music, my colorful lifestyle, the way my mental health effects my friendships and relationships. Often why I find comfort is just me and the pups.

I often push people away because not many people have brought happiness into our lives.

Which this is a good time to tie that into an update with the boyfriend.

He has been every thing I was told I would never find.

I looked at him the other day and said “you’re good for my mental health”. Lately I have been really reflecting on quite a bit and I feel as though he came into my life at the moment he was supposed to.

He gives my days some brightness and love that I have never experienced before. Not saying it’s all rainbows and butterflies. Well it kind of is. 😍😍 I will say though, he has been exposed to some of my mental health issues and he handles them quite well.

He has also learned to open up a little more too, which has been very insightful.

He is loving and kind, and that is new for me. I have started to embrace it, as opposed to push it away.

Often not feeling good enough to have someone that treats me good, I found myself pushing him away.

He adores me, and I’m not used to that. He laughs and just let’s me be me.

He has been healthy for my mental health, and that is a first.

I will say, I do deserve that. We all do.

I’m so protective over my mental health now that even the night I met him I told him I just wanted a friend. Nothing more.

Well now I’m all in love and of course, that also has me concerned too, and rightfully so. The damage that can be created by a broken heart is more than I can withstand again. I slept alone for 3 years and found peace by not hearing repetitive negativity about my actions or thoughts.

I became free to feel how I feel.

That won’t be taken away.

He knows that too. He either accepts me for me, or he knows I have no issue going back to sleeping alone.

We have to be protective over loving ourselves.

He is moving with us too.

He has decided to give up his life here to go with us, even tho I have warned him that the ride will be a rough ride. I even tried to convince him to stay here, especially after getting the offer for promotion he had been waiting on for quite some time. He turned it down without hesitation. While I love him, I would never want anyone to give up their life or opportunities to follow me down an unknown path.

I tried to convince him multiple times to stay. He says that’s ,”nonsense”

He makes me laugh, and like an honest laugh too. He also gives me space when I need it or holds me when my anxiety has me on the brink of explosion. Which I have to say, has been quite frequent lately with the move.

The stress of selling our things, which total we have sold $80 worth of stuff and gotten $55 in donations. The move is costing us $1984 and yea that has my nerves like 🙄 but still feel incredibly blessed for that.

We are 20 days out and I’m just like feeling a sense of peace with a hint of anxiety. Hoping the scales of balance begin to tilt one sided. 🤗

I have a job interview tomorrow @2:30 and hoping that goes through even though all I wish to do is sit home and create and share my crazy thoughts and life with the world. As to say hey listen to this crazy shit. 😂

Deciphering the Dynamics of a complex female. 😂😂

I feel like I’m finally untying the knots that make me feel crazy.

Which makes people think I’m crazy.

Figure that out.

😂

If you would like to follow our journey or to donate please click here.

Till next time fam fam.

Pray for sleep😂 running on low.

Thumper 🐇🐇

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Put the boyfriend to the test… Will he pass?

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I died my hair 😁 and of course, I wanted to see if he would notice. 😂Something all women do 🙄Like as to say “how much of me do you actually notice”How did he do?

We may joke, but homeless life is not something we are new at. I pray our path doesn’t take us that direction but if it does, we will still make it beautiful.

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Struggle and survival is about all we know. So while we joke and laugh about it, the struggle we are headed for is very real.

A struggle, somehow I knew was coming.

I really had high hopes that the funding would have worked to obtain the house. It would have dropped our rent from $1025 to around $700 for mortgage (if not lower). That would have drastically improved our life.

I told myself tho, if it didn’t happen this year, I would cut my losses and move on. For 3 years I did everything I could do. It’s hard when your a single person and you have student loans that are beyond ur income because your undervalued. It was hard enough to try to make it, but then to also do the things necessary to re-establish ur credit score. It was a lot.

I pushed hard though, much like with my music.

I grew grass, built a fence, planted flowers. This was gonna be my home.

But the Irish luck of course, road block.

The landlord has been wanting to sell before I moved in. When I moved in, I didn’t have anywhere else to go. The landlord was nice enough to rent it till it sold but eventually decided to take it off of the market and I had agreed to try to buy.

Having the house held up for purchase wasn’t fair to her, and they had waited long enough.

Moving, it’s expensive. We are looking at the minimum $3600 for expenses. We are selling everything but clothes and memories to try to get the money up for a new rental, and a uhual.

Right now, combined we have about $600 and I’m freaking out.

The uncertainty of the move and all that goes with it.

If I can find housing at a decent rate, I know we can all find jobs near it, but trying to secure the job before the house to hopefully get relocation assistance.

I don’t fear the struggle for myself, but for my daughter and my pups I do.

I am the mom. I carry the weight. Our survival really depends on me, and I pray I don’t let any of them down.

My daughter is truly a spirit all her own. She has always understood the struggle, more than she should, even as a child.

I’m thankful for my pack, their understanding and unconditional love 💖

I often feel remorseful for my daughter’s life and my drive to make it better but always failing. She know I work hard tho for what little bit we have, and those closest to me often wander how I even make it. Sometimes I don’t even know. Ramen noodles maybe?

I can feel the weather changing, the clouds are disappearing, but I see another storm in the distance.

We don’t know where we are going but we are going together 💖

If you would like to follow our story or donate please click ⏬⏬⏬

https://www.gofundme.com/f/fndds-home-purchase-closing-costs&rcid=r01-156122382494-a9f2bf5450b148ec&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

Badd Bitch #outnow

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Listen to Badd Bitch-featuring ReaperMayne by REAPER MAYNE on #SoundCloud

Scared, excited, scared, excited…. Anxiety… 🙄

There’s so much good happening and so much scary. I’ve grown appreciative over the last few days over my daughter’s willingness to continue to struggle, even more so than we are now, in hopes for a better future. Something she said kind of still just keeps repeating in my head…

“How’s that any different than now”

I don’t really recall the details and even if I don’t I do and to go into detail might throw a lot off and really, this life, we are used to, and we are blessed even with just having bare essentials, and for us, that’s never included much more than each other 💯👏 we make due each and every day because we are survivors.

And to be even more honest, this really is the only plan I have because I know soon the things with my job were going to get even worse than they already are, and with the news of the loan not passing underwriters, I just knew it was time to let go, I could feel the turbulence and I knew soon things were going to crash and burn. The stress from trying to get to the point of buying the house and the stress from my job, that actually had nothing to do with the work itself, long story short after 4 years at my job, and 3 years of trying to buy the house, both battles, I just feel defeated. I feel defeated.

I’m not afraid to admit it. Every survivor stands strong after being knocked down. I’ve been knocked down year after year and I’m ready to take my losses, admit defeat, and go gain strength to heal. No job is easy, no road is easy, but I’ve done my 25 straight years of struggle and I’m tired. Something has to give.

There’s a song I started write a while ago, and I can’t get quite past the chorus because quite frankly it’s just too deep right now.

A lot of people struggle in silence and I’ve said that for a long time. And really boss Mom’s, we handle shit and keep trucking, but this fight for survival, this shit been going on long enough. I dread paydays. I work so hard, put up with so much unnecessary bullshit.. and for what?

So that I have $36.00 to last me two weeks 🤔

I don’t even have a car 🙄 I have a fucking scooter 🌪

Staying and fighting and struggling is not working. It’s time to try something new. Something crazy. It may get bad. But we were facing a rocky road regardless. At least this way, we can have some hope for something better, and hell, if that carries us through the difficult times, then so be it.

Like I said in Poverty a few weeks ago, we will spin this like pottery and make it pretty, cause even in the worst of the worst, I know my daughter and I can look at each other, dust ourselves off and laugh cause we know we got each other. #itsyouandme

A lot of people think Finally Standing Up is about a relationship, but it’s not. It was a bad day at work and it was basically like, okay, I can see, you will never see me, so I’ll work endlessly to push my music, until someone sees me.

I’m crazy, but I’m loving. I’m funny, but hard-working. I stand on my own integrity, because I know, I always give 150% until the scales start to tip too heavy ⚖ then I adjust accordingly.

I often don’t understand why shit always has to be so hard, but I guess that’s how soldiers are made. I guess it’s time to suit up.

Things are about to get pretty rocky for a while, but hopefully when we come out other side of the path, this one leads to peace and prosperity 🙌

We have decided to sell off all of our belongings. We can only really take clothes and memories, our bare necessities. Even that isn’t a lot so I did keep the GoFundMe up from the closing costs and changed it to relocation support. It’s kind of ironic, it was up for a while for the closing costs and never got any donations and I changed it, and we got the first one today, and we are incredibly moved by that. Every little bit will help. If you can’t donate, sharing is caring. 💖

GoFundMe