Sometimes it is so hard to start a story, and then other times, it flows like a river after a thunderstorm. I often find that sometimes my writing is limited to the moments where I am either at full peace, or full chaos, there is no in between. I envy the writers that can just pick up a pen and gracefully bless us with a story like no other. That won’t be this story. This story will be written and delivered just like the beautiful mess that I am. The story, it may or may not make sense. There will be points to where I am clear and then there may be points that will leave you confused. Don’t worry – I’ll be right there with you!
I often get distracted or one story will lead to another sometimes derailing the original point of the story but somehow, some way, we will still end up at the destination intended, even if not the original intention.
Sounds like a riddle right? Maybe it is, I mean, let’s be honest, the inner workings of our brain is exactly that, a riddle, or maybe an experiment. Either way, we are just winging it until we have a better understanding of ourselves or those around us by exposing it to a variety of different elements, or engagements that create what we know as to be ourselves.
Life is just one large experiment. Relationships, jobs, money. Each and every thing in our life done by learning from our actions we previously set forth with modifications. The modifications created by whatever errors there were previously made in which the action did not work as it was intended. Think about everything you do in this life, even day to day actions. As you age, you learn, you grow, and most of the time, that learning is often unnoticed. Even getting ready for work. When you start a new job, the way you get ready the first day will change drastically by the second week. That is because you are learning what is working best for you and your schedule. Often times we don’t notice these little learning exercises, but we do them day in and day out. Relationships work same way. Not just within an intimate relationship but from every relationship to the next. We learn what our needs are, the things we can and can’t put up with. Relationships often fail because we forget that we need to learn and educate ourselves about the needs of our spouses, and more importantly, the needs of ourselves.
How often do we get the two mixed up. The needs of ourselves, and the needs of others, and exactly what are our needs? Do you, as you are reading or the listener, listening or reading this, do you even know what your needs are? Do you speak openly in your relationship about your feelings, about love, about intimacy? Or do you seek shelter in the comfort of others as opposed to finding those settling moments with the person there is some unsettling with? How many times do you get upset with your lover, and the first thing you do is pick up your phone and reach out to a friend, or maybe an ex, or maybe someone who you have your eye on?
I almost find it amusing that people will share their home but not share their feelings, something that I’ve even had an issue with, up until the last few years. Now I don’t keep my mouth shut. Maybe it stems from being single for so long, or maybe it stems from too much for too long and now I just have to be open and honest about everything I do. I talk about some of the most difficult things with Greg. Things that sometimes I can tell even he is uncomfortable but that is the point of the conversations, to make us both feel comfortable in sometimes an uncomfortable situation.
You may ask yourself, well what kind of conversations would they be having that would be so intense. Well for one, we discuss mental health on a daily basis, both of us checking on the other and where we are at. Two, we discuss things that may be uncomfortable for most. Things involving sex, intimacy, past experiences, and the most complex of them all, feelings, and of course how they all tie in together.
I think these conversations, or discussions, are necessary. For one, I don’t know how to let things go unless I understand them. I have to be able to piece the puzzle together, stand back, observe the result, fully understand how the pieces fit together, otherwise I won’t get it. Part of that has stems from distrust. You may ask yourself, how is that? Think about it, how many times have you been told a story and it just doesn’t make sense, but then you move on, and then later you find out that the reason the story didn’t make sense is because you were missing vital information that ultimately changes the perception of the story.
Now, depending on your perception of what we are going to go into, you may sit back and say, this is a clear sign of a jealous personality, something I have even been told throughout my life. But let’s dig deeper into that for a minute.
Because I even often question myself, is it jealousy? I mean the definition of jealousy is “feeling or showing suspicion of someone’s unfaithfulness in a relationship”. But what if it isn’t even about suspicion of unfaithfulness? What if it is more of a fear of something even deeper. Some jealousy has nothing to do with the fear of the partners intimacy with someone else. Let me repeat that again, some jealousy has nothing to do with the fear of the partners intimacy with someone else. I believe that what some people classify as jealousy is actually a fear of safety in a relationship. Not physical safety, but more emotional and mental safety.
Paranoia stems from fear. I would say that when it comes to relationships, love, friendships, it’s never been about jealousy. It has always been fear.
How many times in a lifetime do you have to be hurt in some type of capacity to where you reach a point of paranoia to where you question everyone and everything around you?
Family, friends, spouses.
I have had my life in jeopardy too many times at the hands of others and too often for me not to fear even the slightest questionable act in a relationship. Something that most of the time is a huge barrier in relationships, and something that Greg has had to adapt and adjust to. Doesn’t sound that difficult right? Hmm, well it is and isn’t.
For him our life is filled with a lot of laughs, and when I mean a lot, I mean A LOT. I am naturally a happy woman. I wake up in the morning, I walk my dogs, I start my coffee, and off to the races I go. While I don’t have a regular job, I do put in about 18 hours a day doing a variety of different things that’s building our future . Obviously I make the bath bombs and the soaps, then I share and mingle online, go live, then doing my social networking and blog updating. Doesn’t sound like much right, until you look at my contact page and realize I am juggling more pages than problems. I make Greg food before he is even hungry. Blessing his belly with whatever crazy, weird, and unique nonsense I cook for the day. Our life, it’s pretty simple, and yet incredibly complex. Most days, chill, relaxed, like most others.
But then there are those dark days. These days, sometimes created by one issue, or a combination of ones, that will cloud over the day till dark falls, and even then, as the light slips away from this side of the earth, even a deeper darkness will walk with every step by my side. Almost like Peter Pan’s shadow following him around, my aura, when tested, tried, or taunted, can feel like a darkness that when tilted the wrong way could emancipate a firestorm creating pure chaos and destruction.
Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has been around me when I am around anyone I don’t want to be around, or in a situation where I am uncomfortable. The room changes. The dark lights up the room. If you don’t believe that darkness can create a light, then you have never really been in complete darkness.
I can see better in the darkness than in the light. A condition that can be marked up to having blue eyes, or maybe something that could be deeper.
Up until recently I never really gave my subconscious too much thought. Every pun intended. I think this comes with age, experience. Knowing and understanding ourselves is the most difficult task that we are faced with and and yet we are expected to know and understand all those around us even though we don’t have a clear understanding of ourselves.
A task all too often we don’t take the time to do. Some people – that doesn’t affect them at all. People that walk through their lives, just doing. That understanding of others, not needed, not necessary – I’ve always envied those people. And as I am saying that – how do I know that is even how it is for them?? How often do people even discuss their inner thoughts. The shit that circles around in your head that no one other than you can hear – but they have such an impact on every single action we take – yea those little thoughts, those little voices. You can say you don’t have them but I will then proceed to tell you that you are full of shit. We all have them. We all have those little voices in our heads that have our desires, our fears, our love, and the things we hate. Those little voices that we fear anyone hearing. Let’s not say that too loud to where my psychiatrist hears me, he will go into a longer conversation about of course DID. These little voices will either convince us to do or to not do something out of fear.
Fear, to me, is what drives most of everything. A lot of people say money, but I will say fear. Think about it. Money is just a soothing point for security for people, I am part of that crowd too. It is how we survive, the fear of what will happen without it is what drives most of our actions. Same thing as love. Most relationships are broken because each fears pain from the other – so survival of the fittest – who is gonna hurt who, and when? Not if, just when. We will love to the greatest point until their is pain, deception – until the fear of survival is instilled into the relationship. Once it is – the minds start racing – and it’s off to war until the relationship completely fizzles out.
Now I am not saying that relationships can’t survive after pain has been injected – but that recovery stage will be a mother fucker. The fears overshadowing every action, intent. But the problem with all of this to begin with – we set our expectations of our interpersonal relationships by the concept of what they should look like based on society’s standards. But how is a standard going to work when the variables are too variant? We all have different backgrounds, exposed to different elements, we all have different needs, but all too often – we ignore those needs that would make us feel whole to make sure others aren’t left with any holes on how they perceive you or your situation. How many times do you not do something because you fear the backlash of how you will be perceived by others, even if that one thing would put a smile on your face? But it isn’t just about how you are perceived though – it could also be how it affects your current relationships, but what if people’s relationship needs are more complex than the “standard”. I think all too often pain gets injected into the relationship because their is a need that needs to be fulfilled, but maybe it is so much deeper than sex but that is all we know.
I have always feared my needs too. Let’s be honest – no one speaks this much in detail about it – if it isn’t something that you, yourself haven’t went through yourself. My needs – those I am still figuring out. My first and foremost need in any situation is truth. Truth is the thing that all relationships ride on – but often the one thing that people can’t do – even if it was to save their relationship – or save themselves. Our own truths are what we battle with the most. Our own needs, we fear them the most.
And often times – those needs – those desires – they open up the doors to darkness within. Those needs shaped by past experiences, past relationships, past failures.
So what happens when we open the doors to the darkness?
Chapter 2 coming soon!