Coffee in My Pocket

I average anywhere from 5-6 hours of sleep a night.  I get freaking tired.  I love me some dam coffee.  Doesn’t matter what part of the day.  All day – every day.  I typically have to discipline myself to stick to only having it in the morning.

Coffee In My Pocket – Wawa Edition

But like I had to go get my rent money – and Wawa was smelling some type of good with their coffee brewing asses.  I walk in – with just the intention of getting my money out their free ATM – and I walk in the door – and it smells like fresh brew.  Ass holes.  I mean I got the sugar free coffee – but the carb content even in the little one is still higher than I would have liked – but like it’s coffee.  I deserved it – I have peddled and waddled my fat ass through 146 miles this month.

I enjoyed every dam sip of it too.

 

My Turmoil Over The Truth – The Deeper Side

Yes, for me, there is turmoil over the truth.

You see, I am very much a truth seeker.  And not just in the relationship sector of my life, in just about any aspect of my life.  I mean I can read an article, and if it sounds a little off, I am verifying, and researching.  I mean, part of that is why I am good at my regular job.  I am incredibly analytical, and that ladies and gents is a huge issue in relationships.

Most of my jobs have surrounded around finding errors, or missing links between data.  Now I am not saying that I don’t make mistakes, I am human, and often times when typing – I am thinking so fast – that sometimes I miss words, or I may have a grammar error from time to time.  I have a fast paced life, along with a phone that is on its last leg – with plenty of broken glass that I take a risk my life on every time I am on it.  Hey times are tough, and really I am able to accomplish the things I need to, so all is well for now.

Now take that error finding personality and apply that to your home.  Now if honesty and integrity in relationships was still a valid thing, then this probably wouldn’t be an issue; however, I become almost a challenge to a man.  And we all know how men love a challenge.  Like, hmm, she good – let’s see how good, let me see what I can actually get away with before she catches on.

Well not very far.  You see, when a women tells you she is analytical – pay attention to that – because that means that by nature, even if she seems like she isn’t paying attention, she is.   This translates to knowing your schedule/ routine, and close to the minute.

Well you might be thinking – well okay – most people do.  Yea – well do you know many minutes your spouse’s shower is,or how long it takes them to cook breakfast? Basically being able to walk through their life in my own eyes, but for me, it translates to numbers.

I don’t even do it intentionally – and it isn’t immediate or overnight – it is the repetition of events that stick to my brain.  It isn’t like I am calculating either, but certain things correlate for me.  For example, if you listen to music in the shower, you listen to 3 songs, depending on the type of music – typically you can expect most songs to be between 3.5 to 5 minutes in length, so typically you can expect your shower to be between 10.5 to 15 minutes in length.  It’s the correlation that makes markers in my brain.

To further that, when people speak to me, my brain is in auto pilot and draws out a picture in my head of the events taking place, and typically can pick out errors in stories.  I don’t know – it is verbal connectivity.  I love it for work purposes – and hate it when it comes to my own personal life.

Yea – I said that – because sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Maybe if I was living in a world where deception wasn’t the new truth – then yea it wouldn’t be an issue.  And like I get it.  There is so many outlets available to people to pursue infidelity.  Everyone promising everyone to be better than the last one – but really – it is the chase people love.  Not saying there aren’t people out there that find the “one” and live happily ever after – I am just saying there is a group of us in which this is our reality.

I am not being bitter either.  How many of you would HONESTLY hand their spouse their phone, and have no concerns what so ever?  And I mean complete transparency too? No deleting.  If your spouse had access to your data files, and was able to sift through ever since piece of your life on that phone, would you have concerns?

I don’t believe in privacy in a relationship.  Yea – yea I know – OMG.  How horrible.  Say what you want – but if a man is going to be laying next to me, and inside of my body – well then there is no privacy.  Sorry not sorry.  Not off the bat – but if I am in a long term committed relationship (which is often when this starts happening), then yea.  You start acting shady – what’s up – what you doing?

You want privacy with your phone – I am gonna need some privacy with this p*****.  I know sounds bitchy – but hey – whatever – it’s my life, and honestly – if you value that phone and what is in it – over your relationship, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

When you are in your twenties you concern yourself with relationships, by the time you get to be my age – late 30s – you just want honesty and security.  My pursuit of happiness now most definitely does not include a relationship.  I am completely emotionally disconnected from the male population too.  Any advances are often not noticed, and even with they are noticed – I promptly reject the idea.  Not today Satan.  I am not joking either – I have no intention nor want the distraction or frustration that comes with dating.  I am not ready – and I don’t have to be.

I want the type of relationship that includes honestly.  I want a best friend.  Your spouse is the only one that should know the deeper side of you (in all ways hahahahaha).

Have a great week 🙂

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The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing

The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing Relationship Redemption Roundscreenshot_2018-08-22-06-50-12-1

Mental illness is something few wish to discuss, especially me considering in my younger years I would be incredibly private about my flaws.  I mean who isn’t. I guess I am at peace or in recovery stage so I am feeling up to discuss it. I discussed how my life was in fast forward in a previous post. There was so much that happened in my second marriage that I do not care to dwell or discuss, but there are a few things that I would like to, especially considering we are about to go into Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  And I am not going to bash or say bad things about my ex husband, because, he as well has his own mental illness he copes with. I do not excuse his behavior, but over the years – I started to understand why he was the way he was, and let’s be honest, I, as well have done some crazy ass shit so like I get it.

 

Sometimes life itself bears so much weight on our shoulders to where we feel like we are going to explode, well I felt that  for a very very long time. A ticking time bomb if you will. All that pressure, being a wife, a mother, an employee, a college student, the ceo, cfo, maid and the janitor of your own home.  The taxi driver, the birthday party make it happen with no money budget boss, school clothes getting, grocery getting, bill paying boss. I mean we freaking do it all right, like when do we breathe?  And don’t get it twisted, even with the in/out husband – I rarely had help with bills, he was more of the take you out to dinner once a week – and the rest went on where ever he was the night before. But again he had a flex schedule so he was able to take the kid to school.  Teamwork right?

 

So in the midst of all of that when do we breathe?  When do we have time to actually deal with any type of emotion or thought?  Well we don’t because we don’t have time and we forget to. You just take your licks, and you keep going, even though your heart feels like it is going to pop out of your chest before you even got your first cup of coffee in or the child to school, because you are running 15 minutes behind, and you promised your child you would braid her hair, and it’s raining, so traffic is going to suck, and it’s meeting day, and you already feel out of your league kind of morning, but you can’t breathe cause you got’s to go.  So you push through, to the school, to your job, to the school, to the rec center, go grab groceries while she is at practice, pick her up, take her home, homework, shower, practice, read, SNUGGLES. Sleep. Up. Repeat. This is our life. This is what we do. The weekends consist of repair the undone from the week. Laundry, the dishes scattered, scrub house down, mop on Saturday. Sunday comes and it is prep work for the week. Weekly groceries, rest of laundry you failed to do on Saturday because you got to watching a movie with bug because you as well, love Disney, so SNUGGGGLLLLESSSS.  Then it’s lunch prep, clothes prep, spend some time, and whatever else you have to do to prep for the week, and then catch another movie with bug cause SUNDAY SNUGGGLLLESSSS. YES I USE THAT HASHTAG ON IG FREQUENT, I STILL GET SNUGGLES FROM HER FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN SHE COMES AND VISITS. If your kids aren’t grown yet – you might not understand, but I do suggest daily snuggles. Lots of hugs, lots of jokes, and lots of ice cream, those things make kids happy, let your kids be happy – you will find it makes you happy. FYI We still do this. Yea say what you want cause we don’ts care! Come Saturday I get to see her and my momma, and Imma get me some snuggles from both, especially since my momma wanted to go to the emergency room last weekend via ambulance.  (I did warn you about this bouncy story stuff, just keep up – I know you can do it) BOTTOM LINE SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS GET OFF YOUR PHONES IPOD IPAD TABLET cause you will have plenty of time for that when they decide to be grown and leave you all alone with just the dog for company. YES I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. That is how I find the time now to do all this stuff and work. I miss having her here. A little more into that – we don’t really watch tv. We always did arts/ crafts/ dancing/ singing. We only watched movies. We didn’t have cable, so naturally. So at night time we would typically watch a movie maybe, sometimes none, just depended on what we were doing, but most of the time we were doing things like riding bikes, or hiking in the woods, have You Say When, etc.  Like typical things, we spent time together. To be honest for as poor as we were, she did get to experience a lot, and part of that was thanks to my ex husbands family. Yea our marriage was a complete disaster, but I did love his family. They came with trips to condos, and family outings, and it was about the only times that my husband and I could somewhat maintain a conversation without wanting to kill each other. We are completely volatile toward each other. So in these moments that we are doing family things, my daughter had a family, so you just dealt.

 

The words eventually don’t even hurt, you become numb, it’s just whatever at a point, because God knows it always progresses.  One minute it’s like you crying over a text, then a busted lip, then being in the hospital – you see progressive – and it happens like overnight.  You barely have time to deal with the one thing they do, before bam there is something worse, so now you are saying well the last thing wasn’t that bad – let’s deal with this – then bam – a new something worse.  Never any time to even really think about what is going on – to even realize like HEY STUPID DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GOING THROUGH HELLLOOOO. Nah cause you ain’t got time to hear that shit – you got to get the kid to the doctor’s and get to work, then you have class, and you only had 3 hours of sleep cause you was up arguing cause you mad, and he gonna change, and you feel like this time he done messed up so bad he had no choice but to change.  Yea girl how did that work out? Ha, that is that honeymoon phase all hear about.

 

So anyways.  Let’s get back to mental illness.  So with dealing with all of that – that fast paced chest – doctor’s call that anxiety.  Ha! Ya, since 1981. My overachieving but never accomplishing anything ass. Never feeling good enough, creates this anxiousness within myself, and that ladies and gentleman gets worse when you have a negative Nancy in your ear telling you all the reasons why you aren’t good enough.  Using physical attributes to shut down any type of positivity. Come out the room looking hella cute – just not his kind of hella cute. I would try to show him the goods, and he would be like – have you noticed that your thighs have even more dimples. Wow thanks ass.

 

So yea – you get torn down, and you just say screw it this is life, and you just let go – and let it become you.  This is your life, you make the best of it, and you are married, and through thick or thin right, and nah screw that.  If it is bad, and violent – gtfo NOW.

 

Now another thing you will have to also understand – he often disappeared.  He chose to live the free life of come and go as you please – there are lots of bars along the way, and we often split, multiple times,  A YEAR. The splits would get longer in between – but often would end up back because like family, and I was out there alone, I was getting close to losing my job because place wouldn’t open till 630, had to be there at 8, traffic would also be just like whoa, and you don’t leave the school till close to 7 by the time they open the gate, turn the lights on, open the doors, walk your kid to the far back of the school, cause that is where the library is, and walk back to your car.  Your starting to run late – and your boss has already talked to you – and your husband works construction – so he can do whatever he wants really – he knew his shit on the job – so he always had some play on his schedule – and for a time even ran his own little thing. And I would also like to add – although him and I were not good – he did an okay job playing dad from time to time. That was early morning during the weekdays when he had to limit his hangout times because of work hahaha.  He would often do things with her – and they often had a great time together. I mean he is an ass – but he did love her.

 

So anyways, this anxiety – this pressure, this is my illness.  I still have it to this day, but not near as bad as it used to be.  You see all the pressure from life, then having the pressure within the home.  The fear of expression, whether it be with words, art, creativity, ideas, thoughts, that is what caused my mental illness to be so bad.  

 

Not only are some people programmed to be incredibly critical – society as a whole – we are critical.  We often feel compressed, minimized because what we have to say, or what we have to express, it might not fit in the confines of what the next person might agree with.  And we are judged, characterized, and forever remembered by one single action or idea, to be followed with bashing and hate. And we do it to each other, it is not one over the other, we all do this.  We bitch about being judged, and with the next breath judge the next.

 

I still suffer from it – because we all have things that we worry about – the difference is – I am able to be expressive now, and that is part of the healing.  The walking, the writing, Marley (my labrabull), all these things are my healing blocks.

 

We need to as a whole, stop with that.  Now I am NOT SAYING KEEP SOME DUMBASS IN YOUR LIFE.  What I am saying is that when you are with someone – allow them the freedom to be themselves, so that you can also be yourself.  That way no one feels confined in the relationship so you can find happiness. Some people will have to go through the single route to find it like myself – because there was only his way, and I refuse for it to be that way.  It should be a path drawn by both for both, so that both can enjoy this life.

 

Release some of those shaken soda cans – and breathe, express, create, be YOU – the ones that are left are the ones that get to see the sparkle and shine when you are done making your masterpiece.  Let’s work on learning love, acceptance, and discovery. Hell you never know – maybe the things your husband/or wife enjoys outside of y’alls phones might get ya closer. Some of us will have to even figure out what we even like to do (this is me hahaha).

 

Till next time you beautiful brains 🙂

Dudes be like nah it wasn’t me – Cheater Cheater

I will never understand why people lie after they been busted?  Like what are doing with your life to where you have to be so fake about everything – people don’t even know who you are if you constantly hiding behind lies.
I will confuse you with the variety of ish I will be posting about.  While like all creative souls – we may have different creative things we enjoy to do.  Growing up my brother – he played a guitar and sang and to be honest – he has quite the voice.  Well I do not have the voice for that – and I was the odd ball out listening to Snoop Dawg and Eminem’s tracks, and I’m quite weird.  I mean how many single momma, data loving, baking, blogging rapper writer people do you see?  Hahaha – I mean I am not a Nikki or a Cardi – more of a Lardi geared more toward relationships and my male hating behavior.  Not all men.  Just you know the ones I know hahahaha.
The link to the video is below, please check it out.  You will also find some adorable videos of Marley and me 🙂
U think im always snooping
But really its when ur lip start drooping
A bitch like me ain’t dumb
I can find out what u doing with my thumb
Boy try to go get you some
I can tell what u doing
Without even moving
Cause ya tell on yaself
Get ur shit off my shelf
Every time u open ur mouth u lying
So I don’t even know why u trying
I left your ass with a smile
Cause ur ass was always in denial
Got me feeling like we in a trial
Got me feeling like a prosecutor
Got all these bitches on the computer
U think I’m out here running game
But that shit lame
I’m out working
Ain’t doing no dam twerking
You should have got to jerking
Wtf were you thinking
Cause I wasn’t Blinking
You don’t think that same truck done drove by
Why u even gotta lie
Boy bye

Fat and Fab My 200LB Loss

Screenshot_2018-09-18-22-06-14-120180907_163740There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin.  I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.

So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger.  423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6).  I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner.  I didn’t.  I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.

Let’s go back to the begining.  2010.  The year I had lap-band surgery.  It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off.  Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months.  The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals).  I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do.  The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed.  Now of course, I say that now.

Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later.  A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.

Now here is some real shit.  The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month.  Now that sounds great.  31 and no more periods.  Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight????  I sure the hell didn’t.  I mean I got the basics.  Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.

Guess when you find this out?  After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier.  According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc.  They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!

I am not joking either.  I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier.  I was devastated.  Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition.  40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is  significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds?  Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down?  How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for.  So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further,  I decided to hit the gym.  It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.

I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point.  Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life.  I wanted better days.  I wanted to wake up and not be in pain.  I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself.  So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid.  I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess??  Well I didn’t.  Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours.  It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my  kid was the one that paid the price.  She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything.  Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies.  I wanted to give it to her.  I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol.  I just couldn’t.  All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms?  This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are.  You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS.  Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”.  BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT

So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues.  They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.

Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital.  YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby.  Found out I had developed gastroparesis.  Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***

So fanfreakingtastic

Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong.  You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds.  You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS.  Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through.  Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits.  Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.

Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down.   I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!

I gave up.  I really did.  Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty.  (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)

I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life.  And really, was that so bad?  I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned.  At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.

The thing is – the misery never leaves.  Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.

I wasn’t happy.  I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things.  I was ashamed of my body.  I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me.  What I had become.

There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens.  I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it.  She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative.  She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it.  My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.

I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year.  There are quite a few years there.  Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing.  I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop.  Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight.  Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it.  After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be.  I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.

Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed.  I grew tired of trying anymore.  It got me thinking to.  I was failing because I gave up to easily.  I never stuck with it.  Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground.  Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it.  Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.

The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface.  What is the one thing we preach to our children?  Don’t give up!  So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal.  She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout.  Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle  – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard.  I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be.  I am not my weight.

I will not settle.  I will not stop.  I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.

 

Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.

 

How Dating Has Me Fkd Up

I have started to realize that dating doesn’t even appeal to me anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I go through these periods of loneliness to which I venture out – but always find myself coming home, grabbing something I am not supposed to eat, and just looking at Marley and saying “Marley, what the bloody hell what that?”  Often laughing cause it is just that ridiculous.

And this is after my fine tuned filtering beforehand too.  And honestly those dates, which have been quite some time ago, ruined it for me in regards to dating, right now at least.  At least until I am at that peak lonely, which hasn’t come again yet – so hopefully that crazy shit is gone. Hahahaha.

Seriously though, like YALL WTF????

PLEASE SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WTFFFFF

And for those out there dating, and probably on both sides of the spectrums (women and men) y’all know what I am talking about.

It is a feeding frenzy out there – but with all piranhas.  Men, they are thirsty, but the problem is, they already have a fountain.  Or they are in stuck mode.

Stuck, yea, I said it.  This is reality hour.  This is my reality, and I am not saying it is all men.  So if anyone decides to get offended, THIS IS MY REALITY.  Yours might be different – GOD PLEASE TELL ME IT IS – It will give me some hope that there is something more out there.

And y’all know what I mean too.  Men stuck on life in some capacity.  Stuck on themselves.  Stuck on their exes.  Stuck on trying to have a whole case of Good and Plenty, VARIETY PACK.  Stuck in their own heads.  No ambition.  No drive.  No goals.

I can’t stand when I am asking a man on a date – what kind of things do they plan on doing with their future, and they try to use that to lead into a flirtation thing.  Okay – it is cute – the first time I ask – but the second time a women asks this question – they wanna know if you have dreams, goals.

And now there is the whole stigma of asking a man if he has a job.

Listen, and please hear me out.  I am understanding.  I get, we all fall on hard times.  Like we all know I am a broke bitch, but I ain’t looking to see if you have money  – I am looking to see if you have stability, was this a layoff, like how many jobs have you had?  Yea  this is just like a job interview cause this is my life.

And I would like to be candid for a moment.  And this is for both, men AND WOMEN.  If you are not providing for yourself, why in the bloody Mary are you looking for a relationship?  And furthermore, if you aren’t working – then who is currently paying your way through life?  And if you say yourself, then I wanna see that I-9 cause I wanna know if you filing cause I am not into all that shady shit. NOT TODAY SATAN

Yea, you can say it – “this is why you single” girl – hell yes it is.

I have already fixed enough men, and you know how that left me? Fkd up – so nah, I GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER.  Yes I am broke, but I make poor look pretty.  The man can be poor too but he got to be working, putting in them hours, cause around here, we don’t do lazy.  He needs to be creative, expressive, honest, and loyal and understand the TRUE definition of each – cause some of y’all got all that shit fkd up too.

I need a man who is honest and loyal to himself, a deep honest and loyal.  I don’t want to hear this I’m loyal to this/ that person.  How about be loyal and honest to yourself, that way it is easier to be loyal and honest to those around you.  Now let me elaborate on that because I know some of y’all like what??? We have a tendency to be LOYAL to the person that is in front of us at any given time, as soon as that person is out of sight, where does your loyalty lie?  And I mean honestly – no fake shit talk either.  We need to stop bending and breaking to appease the loyalty of those around us.  You need to be loyal and honest to yourself.  Start at the core.  Start living your truths.  I need someone who recognizes their own faults, and is working on them – cause God knows we all have them.

Like I have been through enough shitty relationships to where now, unless you bring me bliss, 95% of the time, then I already know you are going to waste my time that would be inclusive to bringing me confusion, aggravation, or litigation, and no one needs any of that shit hahahahaha.

Hating Dating Though 🙂

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Changing Cheese Sauce – The Kicking Keto Recipe

The Yum Yum 

Yea, you heard me, and if you are following me on IG, or FB then you already know what is up!!!!

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The Changing Cheese Sauce has forever changed my life. I make 95% of my meals at home.  Not only can I cook, but finances are tight – and eating out – it’s expensive.  And to be honest – the only time I don’t eat at home is when I splurge for a hoagie from Wawa.  Yea – a hoagie.  The wheat one.  Yes I am on keto.  Modified keto, and I eat grains, typically two times a week.  That hoagie is my payday special – and has been for the better of two years now.  All $5.69 of it!! Balling on a budget.

Anyways back to this deliciousness of cheese.

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I call it the changing cheese sauce – because one little trick – and bam a completely difference sauce.

The best thing about this recipe – is you make it yours.

It is pretty basic, and easy too, so for families – it’s perfect.

It is a 4 ingredient sauce
My Changing Cheese Sauce is as followed:
1/2 a stick of unsalted REAL butter.  Walmart has 4 sticks for just ver  $3. Comes is salted or unsalted, I only ever buy unsalted out of preference.
1 bag of shredded cheese of ur choice, hence the changing cheese sauce because this is really a simple and universal recipe. The recipe pictured is white sharp cheddar. Again, Walmart for just over 2.00. U can use as much cheese here depending on how cheesy or soupy u want it. This was made with just a little over half a bag.
Heavy Whipping cream. This will depend on how much u are making. Since I have an empty nest, I make generally no more than 8 ounces, which I always have some left over. A small carton of hwc is just over 2.00 at walmart. If u are feeding a family I suggest modifying it according to that. If u decide to use a full container of hwc for a family, make sure u add more cheese ♡♡
The last and probably most important ingredient is Weber Roasted Garlic and Herb Seasoning. I use about 2 tbsp, but I love garlic.
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I take the butter and the seasoning and melt it in a pot together, then I pour in the hwc and then the cheese. Stir until completely melted down. Make sure u watch it cause it does cook kind of quick on medium high heat. Roughly around 5 minutes.
The bam pour it over ur favorite foods. I also pour over chicken in the oven and broil it to make a cheesy crust
This is a keto friendly recipe but can be for all others as well.
Happy Grubbing Yall!!

Complete Savage – The Tomboy Tales

Machete Moves

And yes I can say that because I work hard to be, so let’s argue?? Hahahaha. When I say I never shy away from hard work – I absolutely mean it – especially if my mother needs help.  Last weekend – she was working in the yard – and came across something that sent her to the emergency room via ambulance.  A terrifying situation when I am at home – and I get a call from my child saying that my mother had passed out at her job.  My mom was there picking Katie up for work, and by the grace of God – her and her co-workers acted promptly – EMTs were fast – and all is well.  Well we aren’t quite sure what exactly happened – but as an over protective over bearing daughter – yea baby girl coming Momma – I’m gonna go handle that shit.  Like how terrifying – and I would like to add, October 9 is right around the corner – the day my Dad passed back in 04.  Yeah – I ain’t having that shit over a plant or bug – it all gets trimmed back – cleaned up – and a lot sure the hell went.

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My Mother, and my daughter – these, these are my people, and I know how precious time is.  When you lose a parent it just changes you.  Changes your perspective and I am not going to go into it, but those who know know, you get it, and I don’t think that really even needs to be explained.

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I would like to give you another factsies about me.  I am a Taurus.  Yea – hahahaha.  My daughter – LEO, my mum – VIRGO.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – Those who are into the Zodiac get that reference, those of you that don’t, let me break it down.

Virgo – incredibly critical

Leo – incredibly dominating

Taurus – incredibly stubborn

Yea we argue.  And what?  We say what we mean – and mean what we say – we sure the hell don’t sugar coat shit except these cakes, and we are are all very possessive over each other.

I don’t mean a little.  I mean a lot.  I have the worst of the 3 in regards to temper, and  also the loudest.  My  daughter just loves us for us – me and my mom a little off the chain – but Katie finds us incredibly amusing – so she loves to hang out with us.  And honestly we all LOVE TO FKNG LAUGH and WE ALL FUNNY – maybe not for anyone else – but we find each other hilarious.  We make the best out of life – and even when we work hard – 20180929_153417like why bitch – or complain – make it fun – like a game.  It isn’t the work your doing that makes you an ass while you doing it – it’s your perspective. Like if got shit you got to do – then buckle it up bitches – and make it fun – cause it’s got to get done either dam way.

 

Now you might be thinking to yourself it’s just a little yard work, not quite so much.  You see – I don’t know what is in my mother’s yard  – so like it’s time for a good good trim down.  I wanted to burn the fence – and even got the lighter fluid out – cause burn baby burn – a controlled burn of course.  Momma shot down that idea – despite already telling her I was bringing it – but it was dry out today – and I know she still wants to keep some of the plants, so chop chop bitches. Looks easy enough right?

Momma first brought out the some clippers, but then she came back out and brought my Daddy’s machete. This particular machete – was also my Papa’s.  It meant the world that she brought it to me to use – and talk about nostalgia.  I spent 6 hours in my mom’s yard trimming, cutting, butchering a variety of different bushes.

My mom has lived on her own since my dad has passed.  She has been completely self – sufficient; however right now – my Mom is experiencing some pretty bad knee pain due to an old injury, and her RA (rheaumatoid arthritis).  RA is incredibly painful, and yet my 60 year old beautiful momma still goes to work 5 days a week – standing on her feet to serve a lot of those beautiful babies out there in the Hills their breakfasts and lunches, I give it to those ladies too.  Dead on their feet all day.  Anyways, she also does the grandma thing too – games, events, church.  She is just a little busy bee.   Lately she has been struggling to do those things because of her knee – but she still pushes through, each and every day.  She really is the one who deserves the savage title, cause really she is the savage.  She is one of the most loving and caring people too – and she is just absolutely amazing.  I mean we learn from those around us.

Now here is the thing – my dad – he was strong – big – teddy bear – but he handled what ever needed handled – and was a manly man – so he loved to show his manly side for Mom.  She asked him to tear something down – and he would – and he loved do that – cause he loved her – and she loved him.  Plus my Dad was kind of a big, tough man, but his hands protected his family – and to be honest – my Dad was a fighter. Not with Mum, like with the random young punk thinking they can bo up at him, till you realize his fat ass would chance your ass down the road – cause yea he might be big – but we worked in the swamps – he had endurance – hahahaha.

So without my Dad around – my mom is left with me and my brother and the grandbabies to pitch in and help when needed.  The thing with Mom though – she never asks – and will often get offended when you even attempt to help – cause you will hear her say “I got it” – we know Mommmm.

Right now between her knee, and whatever plant or bug is in her yard – she is on Mom watch until further notice.  Luckily my daughter is there to watch over her when she can.  My mom has no choice right now to let me us help her because like that is just too scary – and we aren’t letting her – and she knows I will call her older sister if she don’t listen.  Which I have to say – I really wish I would have realized threatening my mom with her older siblings could be used as leverage earlier in life  – so many arguments that could have been resolved with “I”m calling your sister”.

I was also like to add – I live in Florida – yea yard work in Florida – in September, yea – haha – I know – but I don’t mind it.  I mean, we live in Florida – it is hot – but like we live here – so you adapt – drink lots of fluids – and hope for the best.

It was 93 out today, but it was a beautiful day – and honestly it brought back so many memories.  With every swing of the machete – and cutting back shrubs, it was just all very filling.  You see, benefit comes in hard work – and sometimes those benefits aren’t financial.  I had a GREAT day – busting my ass – and doing what we should be doing for our families.

Social Media Selling – Pushy Post Rant

Pushy Sales

Listen y’all, I appreciate a person pushing the products that they believe in.

But if a person tells you they are broke, it most likely means that in fact they are broke.

I support anyone who is working and putting forth effort for better days, but you don’t have to be pushy in order to do so.

A good product, a valuable product – it will sell itself.   You push people away when you are being pushy.

Thank you though 🙂

Are Fat Girls Easy?

I have to ask this question because being a fat girl – for some reason men like to come at me sideways.

Hey I get it.  We are fat – so you automatically assume we all have some deep insecurities that would surely at least get you laid tonight.

Ha!  I have pissed a lot of men off in my lifetime with the ego busting balls I carry around in my purse.

First off, there ain’t shit easy about me.

Secondly, most women at my age can tell when a man is just there to fulfill some sort of fetish fantasy.  YEA MEN WE KNOW

Third thing – only few can handle all that lovings – so weak men need not apply.

I also can’t stand a closet chubby chaser.  If you so ashamed baby you shouldn’t be in my inbox.  Apparently being a chubby chaser is shameful, but being a dick head isn’t?  Some of you guys out there that want to shame the same plus size beauties in public that you jerking off too in private.

Yea we know.

People have preferences.

You love you a large lady – then love her, and be happy about it.

If you love you a little lady – then love her, and be happy about it.

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