I Smell Cakes and Candy

Wtf Am I doing With my Life?

Well honestly – I have no dam idea.

The thing you have to understand is that my life for 18 years was focused on being a mother – and trying to figure out how to manage to put food on the table every night.

My life was in fast forward for 18 years – and I was in and out of bad relationships the entire time.

I am discovering who I am.  I had my daughter young – 18 – including marrying her father, then after that marriage failed – married an abusive man.  The men in my life were barely ever around.  So as far as taking care of my child, and my home – that was left on me – and shit was hard.

Right now – a lot of that stress has been lifted.  Yes, still financially struggling – but we are all.  Not having a negative voice in my ear over the past few years has allowed me the opportunity to really be able to take my ideas, and my thoughts and express them in ways I would have never been able to do before for fear of those negative words cutting my thoughts and ideas down as though they were dumb.  My insecurities are going away – and I am discovering I’m actually a badass.

And that ladies and gentlemen is amazing.

So please excuse me while I figure me out.

Currently I’m under construction.

A hack to getting on getting on track.

Fitness Witness

Funny Video

Uncut and straight forward.  And I most definitely don’t want people who are the same level.

Talking Shit

Poetry/ Poems by Me

These are in reference to my life.  My daily struggle.  We all have them.  Being a mom – well dam like it is hard.  When the baby daddy isn’t around – you have to figure it out all alone.  I don’t regret one minute.  It shapes us for who we are.  Embrace it.  Let go.  Breathe.

A Mother’s Love

Poetry – Poems

It’s really all the same right.

Might try to rap this one later.

If you are sick of Cheaters give this a listen.

It will at the very minimum give you a little laugh – cause dating on some whole other shit lately.

It has been a very busy few weeks.  I not only knocked out a few cakes but was dealing with some medical issues 😉 But yay 🙂 back to feeling good 🙂

I would have to say that I have really fallen in love with baking and creating.  While it isn’t new for me to be in the kitchen (y’all know how them thick southern county girls are raised 🙂 haha) it is new for me to combine my creative side with my cooking side on different levels.

I have also enjoyed preparing and serving and watching people take a bite and really enjoy what was just made for them.  Homemade food is so different than fast food.  Being a single mother – going to dinner was a rare occurrence anyways – so most meals were cooked at home for my Turkey (daughter).  I have learned a lot over the years – and I always kind of looked at it like science.  For anyone that really does like to create new recipes – yes there is science involved. If you don’t know how certain chemicals react to certain tempatures, conditions, climate, lighting, blah blah – then you will have some fails along the way.  My work friends don’t mind so much hahaha 🙂

I look forward to continuing this adventure – despite if it takes off and soars  – or if it just hovers.  The best part of any creation is truly enjoying it.

There are long hours, and there are some nights to where I sit up researching and brainstorming – but at the end of the day – when it all comes together, it is beauty.  It is beauty that I created out of love for you to enjoy.

So happy week y’all.

Love and be loved my friends.

It’s a sweet life ❤

A little background about me and food, I love to create. It’s experimental for me.  Scientific.  Especially sugar.  A very universal and divine creation by God that has a wide range of capabilities including but not limited to making your thighs magically grow. Now listen this isn’t a sugar bashing blog post, I mean after all I am an amateur baker, so don’t get it twisted, I respect sugar and it’s place in the kitchen.  However; I have taken it out of my day-to-day life, and use it as intended, as a treat, and on occasion only.  Now that sounds easy, yeah maybe if you aren’t from the south – where the preferred drinks are sweet tea, and sugary milk coffee.  Now I make some of the best sweet tea in Pasco County.  My Nannie had them sweet southern cooking skills, we know how to make a 2 cup sugar strong sweet tea that is the only thing that saves you from the hot Florida sun on a summer day when you’re doing yard work.  Yea I know about that life.

Now like I said in my last blog post I was going to go into what I did differently.  Well one of my friends was doing the Atkins diet and I kept hearing rumors about the keto diet.  Well, really they are about the same diet.  When first considering it – I was like ugh this diet won’t work – lots of grease, lots of heavy protein – and with my gastroparesis – I just didn’t think the diet would be for me.  Well still thinking about doing some of the things from the diet – I started really considering the giving up the sugar.  I was reading so many reports about sugar and what it does chemically to the body.  So I figured what the hell – what do I have to lose?  It is the one thing that I hadn’t taken out of my diet, the sugar in my drinks.

So in November I started trading out my coffee with stevia.  Wasn’t bad – and I also liked the flavor ideas with the heavy whipping cream – although I never did the butter thing in the coffee – I just couldn’t.  I mean it’s supposed to be wonderful – it’s just I can’t get past the idea of drinking butter, although I love the stuff.  Anyways.  I was noticing that by not waking up and injecting my body with cane sugar – but with stevia, some of my cravings had died off.  I wasn’t craving the candy bowl at work as much – and was more so craving water over tea.  I also noticed something else – the first week I dropped 4 pounds – and all I did was give up sugar in my coffee.

Well come January 1rst – and clearly having a midlife crisis since I now have an empty nest – I really started kicking the research into over drive.  I researched how keto was utilized in so many different treatments and how people were feeling.  So I decided to give full keto a try.  I kind of still don’t eat a lot of red meats – because they are heavy on my gut – but I do eat a ton of chicken.  The biggest struggle – my dam sweet tea.  I was a gallon solo a day drinker during the summer.  Don’t set there and judge me unless you dined at my table and had some cause you don’t know – better ask some body hahaha. Here’s the thing though – the definition of chaos is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting  different result.  I analyzed my habits.  Tracked my food intake on myfitness pal cause it’s free – and if you aren’t tracking – and trying to lose weight – you are at a complete disadvantage and you’re probably making it harder than it needs to be – and most of the time some minor adjustments to your diet could yield major changes and results.  Every body is different – therefore every diet should be catered for you and your lifestyle.  I recommend a nutritionist if you can afford one – but if you can’t that is the best place to start.  And why do a crash diet?  Like make trade offs one by one?  Why torture yourself? I monitored my food intake, started just trading off things. I am on a low carb high fat diet, but did it gradually, and still continue to modify because routines get modified, so your diet needs to be adjusted.  For the first few months on keto – I did no physical exercise what so ever – at all.  It really is a great diet, single-handed.  After you get past the first two month are so, you really get into the swing of things – you just have to stick with it and trust the process, and remember to not let one day ruin your attempt – just jump back on.  You also really need to listen to your body.  Notice the way you feel and remember that if you are doing the keto diet – you really need to research it, cause I hear a lot of y’all talking about you stayed at 20 carbs a day – for like 3 months – that is NOT the meal plan and you should be cycling  – but I mean you live your best life hahaha.  Do what you want.  When I start feeling worn down – I know a higher carb day is in order.  Just remember that this shouldn’t be done until you gain control over the diet – again, for me that was around the end of month two.  The diet must be followed on point in order for it to be the most effective.  Research, buy a book, and really give the process a chance if that is the route you are going.  For some reason keto just had this effect  over me.  I know how I feel when I stick to it, and I know how I feel when I don’t and really it’s a huge difference.  Keto, more than any other diet helped me balance my plate a little better.  I still eat breads, but like 1 week a month, and generally some type of Arnold Bread – because I find they taste the best – and also have fewer carbs than the rest of the breads.

If you get into the habit of saying meats, cheeses, healthy fats, vegetables, you will remember the things that you can eat.

There is a lot that I have learned along the way – like did you know the harder the cheese – the lower the carbs?  In example, extra sharp white cheddar is a little better for you than a softer cheese like a colby?  See little tradeoffs to lower the amount of your daily carbs goes a long way.

That is where I began.

In the next episode I’ll talk about how I got off my fat ass and got to working out and how I have managed to clock in over 200 KM the last two months, but also how that freaked up my diet for a minute.

P.S.

For those of you that like videos you should check out my youtube channel

I am sitting out back on my porch after uploading a lyric video blah blah blah, anyways – I caught a glimpse of my flabby arms in the video.  I’ll be completely honest at first I was going to delete and redo, but then I was like hell nah – it took like 5 times starting and stopping cause of my playful pups, like I am NOT doing this again hahahaha.  BTW side note, I give props to people who do videos, Idk if I’m just lazy or very unfamiliar with how to do all this stuff, or hell if I’m even doing it right. The shit is hard, and yall be looking good and I look fresh out Zephyrhills.  Makes sense considering that is where I am from. Y’all Zephyrhellians don’t be coming at me either – y’all know exacty what I am talking about – tank top and messy bun wearing asses. Hahaha – including me. Anyways, back to these here arms of mine.  Although not completely comfortable in them quite yet – I know I worked hard for these bitches. Like hard.

What I find crazy though – is my obsession with my arms didn’t come until AFTER I started losing weight.  To be honest – my fatter arms looked better in some aspects – because at least they were a firm fat if that makes sense.  Now I got these things that be making noises at 4:30 in the dam morning when I am jogging. Yeah – that is cute – but like I run at 4:30 in the morning – most of this area in sleep mode so flap on flappers.  

And you know something – most of what I have been told by doctors and fitness experts?  That really – you can’t do nothing about it unless you have surgery. Yeah – cause those always played out great for me (if you don’t get that reference you can find it in my previous post about thinning hair).

So ya know what – I’m gonna embrace it – cause these arms – I am grateful for – cause they work hard – whether it holding onto a combined weight of around 100+ pounds of tugging pups in the morning or typing out these words at 120 wpm – they working hard to look that way – high five fatty flaps!

There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin.  I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.

So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger.  423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6).  I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner.  I didn’t.  I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.

Let’s go back to the begining.  2010.  The year I had lap-band surgery.  It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off.  Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months.  The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals).  I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do.  The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed.  Now of course, I say that now.

Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later.  A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.

Now here is some real shit.  The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month.  Now that sounds great.  31 and no more periods.  Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight????  I sure the hell didn’t.  I mean I got the basics.  Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.

Guess when you find this out?  After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier.  According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc.  They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!

I am not joking either.  I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier.  I was devastated.  Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition.  40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is  significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds?  Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down?  How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for.  So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further,  I decided to hit the gym.  It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.

I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point.  Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life.  I wanted better days.  I wanted to wake up and not be in pain.  I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself.  So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid.  I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess??  Well I didn’t.  Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours.  It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my  kid was the one that paid the price.  She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything.  Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies.  I wanted to give it to her.  I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol.  I just couldn’t.  All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms?  This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are.  You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS.  Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”.  BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT

So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues.  They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.

Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital.  YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby.  Found out I had developed gastroparesis.  Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***

So fanfreakingtastic

Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong.  You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds.  You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS.  Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through.  Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits.  Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.

Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down.   I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!

I gave up.  I really did.  Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty.  (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)

I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life.  And really, was that so bad?  I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned.  At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.

The thing is – the misery never leaves.  Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.

I wasn’t happy.  I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things.  I was ashamed of my body.  I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me.  What I had become.

There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens.  I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it.  She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative.  She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it.  My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.

I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year.  There are quite a few years there.  Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing.  I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop.  Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight.  Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it.  After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be.  I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.

Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed.  I grew tired of trying anymore.  It got me thinking to.  I was failing because I gave up to easily.  I never stuck with it.  Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground.  Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it.  Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.

The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface.  What is the one thing we preach to our children?  Don’t give up!  So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal.  She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout.  Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle  – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard.  I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be.  I am not my weight.

I will not settle.  I will not stop.  I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.

Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.