Love Lies

It really does right?

I mean how many times have you mean in a relationship, and felt as though it was a Firestorm of emotions, only to be left feeling like what the fuck?

Firestorm is a nickname I had given myself for my fierce attitude and flaming red hair.  I mean if you knew me you would really understand.

We will completely and utterly crush our own soul just to have some type of involvement with a man – just so we won’t be alone.  And I know I am not the only female that has done this.  I have legit sat across from a man – and listened to him – while in my head I say to myself  “Why do I subject myself to such a destructive, demeaning, narcissistic dick head?”  And for what?  For that chair not to be empty?

I mean yeah – now – I am like nah – I don’t even want anyone to look at the chair.

But this was kind of along the transitional phase.  Then there is those few attempts I have made at dating.  And let me tell you how the one that was just like wow went.  So yeah – I met a guy on POF – for the sake of the story we will come him Lemon.  Well Lemon and I met for our first date – it went great – like really great – but then came the second date.

And let me tell you how it went downhill so fast.  Now listen there was a dry spell – so yea I had slept with him the first night we met in person.  Jesus I know – I’m a whore.  What ever, we all know half y’all are on Tinder, despite half y’all denying it  And no different then meeting someone at the bar – at least I had talked to him for a while before I let him come to the castle.

Anyways – it was great – then like yea – second date.  Where it all went wrong.  And the aftermath has me, to this day, quite nervous to even test the water in the dating pond.

So we go over to his house and then I realized yep THIS IS WHY I AM FUCKING SINGLE

Like let’s start off with the fact – that him and his mom live together.  Now listen – I get it – no sense in having your own place – financial – etc – BUUUTTT

If you live with your family – and intend on the person staying the night – I don’t know – how the f a woman supposed to be comfortable rocking the rodeo if your momma, is 5 feet down the hall.  Legit, 5 feet.  In a condo.  That he supposedly “co-owned” with his mum.

WHICH WAS A LIE

Now listen ladies.  I have be single for a while.  But dead ass, I don’t give a dam how much fun a man is, if you come through and I cantch you in even the smallest lie, your done.  Like done done done done…  The crazy thing is – if he would have told me he was in a financial bind, I would have understood.  There was nothing to be shameful about.  I struggle, like dam I get it.  There is no shame in struggle, only in deception.

I will never be desperate enough to let a man into my soul with impure intent, deception by any manner goes to the quality of your morals.  If you “casually” lie – I know what you are about.  And the truth always comes out – cause I am fkng paying attention.

But it didn’t stop there.  I mean I could almost understand why he wouldn’t have been forthcoming with that, due to ego.

Nah – that would be too easy right.  The second failed moment – was when I was asking a question about the mural on the wall in the hallway – and he had disregarded it and actually said “shut up”.  Like wow ass – like I am trying to learn – I am trying to engage – and you are just like shutting me down.  Now he was laughing when he said it – but he wasn’t really playing, and you could tell – cause he changed the subject immediately to an interest that better suited him.  Like my ass.  Which yea it is pretty dam great – but I like engagement on more than a physical matter, so when you shut me down with something that is sexually related, I knew what he was about.

And here is the thing, I have already went through a controlling relationship – I have healed, so the first sign of control is shutting down, or belittling someone so that they feel weak and unloved, so that they never leave.  It is manipulation at it’s finest.  And I am not the type of woman – this has to be done to.  I don’t need a variety pack of men to feel happiness. Clearly I have none, and I am incredibly happy without – so unless you are able to let me be who I am and enjoy life, then you won’t be in my life.  #facts

 

 

 

 

 

Monumental Milestone – 223 POUNDS LOST – I FINALLY REACHED 200 pounds

It is one of the happiest fitness days I have ever had.  I have been gaining and losing the same weight for the past 10 years.  In November of last year I made some pretty serious lifestyle changes, and I finally reached the current weight of 200 pounds.

I’ve never seen that kind of number, not that I can remember, and that would be something I would remember, maybe in middle school.

Happy Days

Happy Happy

Humanizing Emotions

Insight to Emotions

It’s always been hard for me to show emotion. And typically when I do, I come off angry instead of sad.

I look back over my 20s and I was mad. Mad about a lot of stuff. Mostly on how people could work so hard to struggle so much. Even in my early twenties I used to think to myself wow, like these people I knew, the ones better off financially what a great life that must have been. You know to never get made fun of because your clothes tore on the playground, or because everything gained always had to be a fight to get. When I was going through my first divorce I was probably the maddest. While I was working two jobs, going to school, he was taking trips with his new wife. I struggled everyday of my life for the little that we had. Of course that isn’t my mindset today. Today I look back and I realized how blessed and how hard my parents worked for what little we did have. It’s hard to make it in this life. I am incredibly blessed for everything in my life. Everything. Down to even the negatives. Every thing within the house I am in, I worked for. I bought. I plan on, Lord willing buying the house I am in too. But that has been a battle since even before I moved in due to student loans. Cause you know, improvement is great, until you go to a school and acquire a degree that you can not use, and now that school is being sued by the department of education so you are waiting for Devoss to make her move so that hopefully your debt to income ratio flips and you can finally buy that house you are in love with. But hey, even though I’ve been waiting for 2.5 years, I am hopeful something happens soon before I loose my chance to buy the house. Ass to action Devoss. Some of us have dreams and ur holding us up.(I filed before I moved into the house, if you want more information, Google Corinthian College Fraud)

anyways

All that anger was really just pain. It was a combination of failed relationships, me failing as a mother, me failing as a daughter, just a lot. Then my dad passed away. Well I never processed any of my emotions. My life was in fast forward for so long that my emotions really only consisted of happy, or mad, no in between.

Well things have slowed down, and I am processing, I am healing. So some times the emotions I never processed, well they sneak up on me. And that is okay. It’s helping me heal. And I would rather process and heal than to be angry and upset all the time.

Excuse me I’m healing 💓

How Dating Has Me Fkd Up

I have started to realize that dating doesn’t even appeal to me anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I go through these periods of loneliness to which I venture out – but always find myself coming home, grabbing something I am not supposed to eat, and just looking at Marley and saying “Marley, what the bloody hell what that?”  Often laughing cause it is just that ridiculous.

And this is after my fine tuned filtering beforehand too.  And honestly those dates, which have been quite some time ago, ruined it for me in regards to dating, right now at least.  At least until I am at that peak lonely, which hasn’t come again yet – so hopefully that crazy shit is gone. Hahahaha.

Seriously though, like YALL WTF????

PLEASE SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WTFFFFF

And for those out there dating, and probably on both sides of the spectrums (women and men) y’all know what I am talking about.

It is a feeding frenzy out there – but with all piranhas.  Men, they are thirsty, but the problem is, they already have a fountain.  Or they are in stuck mode.

Stuck, yea, I said it.  This is reality hour.  This is my reality, and I am not saying it is all men.  So if anyone decides to get offended, THIS IS MY REALITY.  Yours might be different – GOD PLEASE TELL ME IT IS – It will give me some hope that there is something more out there.

And y’all know what I mean too.  Men stuck on life in some capacity.  Stuck on themselves.  Stuck on their exes.  Stuck on trying to have a whole case of Good and Plenty, VARIETY PACK.  Stuck in their own heads.  No ambition.  No drive.  No goals.

I can’t stand when I am asking a man on a date – what kind of things do they plan on doing with their future, and they try to use that to lead into a flirtation thing.  Okay – it is cute – the first time I ask – but the second time a women asks this question – they wanna know if you have dreams, goals.

And now there is the whole stigma of asking a man if he has a job.

Listen, and please hear me out.  I am understanding.  I get, we all fall on hard times.  Like we all know I am a broke bitch, but I ain’t looking to see if you have money  – I am looking to see if you have stability, was this a layoff, like how many jobs have you had?  Yea  this is just like a job interview cause this is my life.

And I would like to be candid for a moment.  And this is for both, men AND WOMEN.  If you are not providing for yourself, why in the bloody Mary are you looking for a relationship?  And furthermore, if you aren’t working – then who is currently paying your way through life?  And if you say yourself, then I wanna see that I-9 cause I wanna know if you filing cause I am not into all that shady shit. NOT TODAY SATAN

Yea, you can say it – “this is why you single” girl – hell yes it is.

I have already fixed enough men, and you know how that left me? Fkd up – so nah, I GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER.  Yes I am broke, but I make poor look pretty.  The man can be poor too but he got to be working, putting in them hours, cause around here, we don’t do lazy.  He needs to be creative, expressive, honest, and loyal and understand the TRUE definition of each – cause some of y’all got all that shit fkd up too.

I need a man who is honest and loyal to himself, a deep honest and loyal.  I don’t want to hear this I’m loyal to this/ that person.  How about be loyal and honest to yourself, that way it is easier to be loyal and honest to those around you.  Now let me elaborate on that because I know some of y’all like what??? We have a tendency to be LOYAL to the person that is in front of us at any given time, as soon as that person is out of sight, where does your loyalty lie?  And I mean honestly – no fake shit talk either.  We need to stop bending and breaking to appease the loyalty of those around us.  You need to be loyal and honest to yourself.  Start at the core.  Start living your truths.  I need someone who recognizes their own faults, and is working on them – cause God knows we all have them.

Like I have been through enough shitty relationships to where now, unless you bring me bliss, 95% of the time, then I already know you are going to waste my time that would be inclusive to bringing me confusion, aggravation, or litigation, and no one needs any of that shit hahahahaha.

Hating Dating Though 🙂

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Fat to Fit in Fast Forward – Transforming Life

See the transition

Attached you will see some of the transitional workout pictures.  I am so blessed to be where I am at today with my weightloss journey.

Consistency is Key

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A Mom Who Raps? WTF She Doing?

Yea I know – I should be at home knitting or some shit.  And yet here the fuck we are.

Maybe you didn’t know – My daughter grown.

She was the one that wanted me to start sharing my poetry.

It speaks to people, especially women who have been through a dumbshit relationship.

If it weren’t for my daughter – this would never be shared.

Thank you Princess for convincing me – I was great – even if it is only in your eyes – I will take it – cause your eyes are the ones that matter the most – Love you bug!

Momma Rapping

 

 

Goaldigging Together – Team Effort – Momma Rapper

The thing about goal digging is that you will hear people say, including myself from time to time, that saying “I don’t need anybody”.

Well we feel like this, often times because there isn’t a supportive base.  There is so much struggle in the world, but if I see a friend trying to showcase their talent – then I am going to do my best to lift them up, regardless of how the result comes for me.  When we help each other – it sets a snowball effect of boosting each other up, it makes people feel good.  You should never expect anything in return, if we care about each other – then we care about each other’s passion.

Sometimes it is so simple to make a huge impact in someone’s life, one that doesn’t cost you anything.

It only causes you a share after you read this.  I pay attention – I pay it forward, and notice the ones that have been there along the way.

Sharing a friend’s vision or dream – that means the world.  And even if we don’t know each other – if you are here reading – I hope you share your vision with the world, and I hope your friends and family help you rise along the way.

Lets rise together.

Yea I Got Dreams – Momma Rapping