I Smell Cakes and Candy

It really does right?

I mean how many times have you mean in a relationship, and felt as though it was a Firestorm of emotions, only to be left feeling like what the fuck?

Firestorm is a nickname I had given myself for my fierce attitude and flaming red hair.  I mean if you knew me you would really understand.

We will completely and utterly crush our own soul just to have some type of involvement with a man – just so we won’t be alone.  And I know I am not the only female that has done this.  I have legit sat across from a man – and listened to him – while in my head I say to myself  “Why do I subject myself to such a destructive, demeaning, narcissistic dick head?”  And for what?  For that chair not to be empty?

I mean yeah – now – I am like nah – I don’t even want anyone to look at the chair.

But this was kind of along the transitional phase.  Then there is those few attempts I have made at dating.  And let me tell you how the one that was just like wow went.  So yeah – I met a guy on POF – for the sake of the story we will come him Lemon.  Well Lemon and I met for our first date – it went great – like really great – but then came the second date.

And let me tell you how it went downhill so fast.  Now listen there was a dry spell – so yea I had slept with him the first night we met in person.  Jesus I know – I’m a whore.  What ever, we all know half y’all are on Tinder, despite half y’all denying it  And no different then meeting someone at the bar – at least I had talked to him for a while before I let him come to the castle.

Anyways – it was great – then like yea – second date.  Where it all went wrong.  And the aftermath has me, to this day, quite nervous to even test the water in the dating pond.

So we go over to his house and then I realized yep THIS IS WHY I AM FUCKING SINGLE

Like let’s start off with the fact – that him and his mom live together.  Now listen – I get it – no sense in having your own place – financial – etc – BUUUTTT

If you live with your family – and intend on the person staying the night – I don’t know – how the f a woman supposed to be comfortable rocking the rodeo if your momma, is 5 feet down the hall.  Legit, 5 feet.  In a condo.  That he supposedly “co-owned” with his mum.

WHICH WAS A LIE

Now listen ladies.  I have be single for a while.  But dead ass, I don’t give a dam how much fun a man is, if you come through and I cantch you in even the smallest lie, your done.  Like done done done done…  The crazy thing is – if he would have told me he was in a financial bind, I would have understood.  There was nothing to be shameful about.  I struggle, like dam I get it.  There is no shame in struggle, only in deception.

I will never be desperate enough to let a man into my soul with impure intent, deception by any manner goes to the quality of your morals.  If you “casually” lie – I know what you are about.  And the truth always comes out – cause I am fkng paying attention.

But it didn’t stop there.  I mean I could almost understand why he wouldn’t have been forthcoming with that, due to ego.

Nah – that would be too easy right.  The second failed moment – was when I was asking a question about the mural on the wall in the hallway – and he had disregarded it and actually said “shut up”.  Like wow ass – like I am trying to learn – I am trying to engage – and you are just like shutting me down.  Now he was laughing when he said it – but he wasn’t really playing, and you could tell – cause he changed the subject immediately to an interest that better suited him.  Like my ass.  Which yea it is pretty dam great – but I like engagement on more than a physical matter, so when you shut me down with something that is sexually related, I knew what he was about.

And here is the thing, I have already went through a controlling relationship – I have healed, so the first sign of control is shutting down, or belittling someone so that they feel weak and unloved, so that they never leave.  It is manipulation at it’s finest.  And I am not the type of woman – this has to be done to.  I don’t need a variety pack of men to feel happiness. Clearly I have none, and I am incredibly happy without – so unless you are able to let me be who I am and enjoy life, then you won’t be in my life.  #facts