Fat and Fab My 200LB Loss

Screenshot_2018-09-18-22-06-14-120180907_163740There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin.  I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.

So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger.  423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6).  I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner.  I didn’t.  I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.

Let’s go back to the begining.  2010.  The year I had lap-band surgery.  It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off.  Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months.  The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals).  I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do.  The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed.  Now of course, I say that now.

Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later.  A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.

Now here is some real shit.  The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month.  Now that sounds great.  31 and no more periods.  Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight????  I sure the hell didn’t.  I mean I got the basics.  Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.

Guess when you find this out?  After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier.  According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc.  They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!

I am not joking either.  I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier.  I was devastated.  Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition.  40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is  significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds?  Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down?  How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for.  So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further,  I decided to hit the gym.  It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.

I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point.  Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life.  I wanted better days.  I wanted to wake up and not be in pain.  I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself.  So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid.  I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess??  Well I didn’t.  Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours.  It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my  kid was the one that paid the price.  She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything.  Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies.  I wanted to give it to her.  I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol.  I just couldn’t.  All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms?  This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are.  You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS.  Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”.  BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT

So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues.  They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.

Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital.  YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby.  Found out I had developed gastroparesis.  Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***

So fanfreakingtastic

Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong.  You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds.  You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS.  Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through.  Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits.  Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.

Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down.   I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!

I gave up.  I really did.  Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty.  (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)

I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life.  And really, was that so bad?  I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned.  At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.

The thing is – the misery never leaves.  Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.

I wasn’t happy.  I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things.  I was ashamed of my body.  I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me.  What I had become.

There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens.  I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it.  She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative.  She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it.  My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.

I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year.  There are quite a few years there.  Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing.  I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop.  Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight.  Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it.  After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be.  I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.

Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed.  I grew tired of trying anymore.  It got me thinking to.  I was failing because I gave up to easily.  I never stuck with it.  Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground.  Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it.  Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.

The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface.  What is the one thing we preach to our children?  Don’t give up!  So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal.  She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout.  Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle  – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard.  I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be.  I am not my weight.

I will not settle.  I will not stop.  I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.

 

Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.

 

The Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookie

There’s really only one thing, that even I forget to do sometimes when making chocolate chip cookies but makes the difference ten fold.

Melting ur unsalted sweet cream butter with ur brown sugar. 💯💯

I put my butter and brown sugar in a pot and melt together, just until some what blended. And on middle low.

Let cool for a smidge 😍 it gives it more of a toffee taste 💯🙌💯

And half bake them 💯💯 once the edges are A LITTLE brown, take em out and let them set 💯

Ur family will be like 😯😯

The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing

The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing Relationship Redemption Roundscreenshot_2018-08-22-06-50-12-1

Mental illness is something few wish to discuss, especially me considering in my younger years I would be incredibly private about my flaws.  I mean who isn’t. I guess I am at peace or in recovery stage so I am feeling up to discuss it. I discussed how my life was in fast forward in a previous post. There was so much that happened in my second marriage that I do not care to dwell or discuss, but there are a few things that I would like to, especially considering we are about to go into Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  And I am not going to bash or say bad things about my ex husband, because, he as well has his own mental illness he copes with. I do not excuse his behavior, but over the years – I started to understand why he was the way he was, and let’s be honest, I, as well have done some crazy ass shit so like I get it.

 

Sometimes life itself bears so much weight on our shoulders to where we feel like we are going to explode, well I felt that  for a very very long time. A ticking time bomb if you will. All that pressure, being a wife, a mother, an employee, a college student, the ceo, cfo, maid and the janitor of your own home.  The taxi driver, the birthday party make it happen with no money budget boss, school clothes getting, grocery getting, bill paying boss. I mean we freaking do it all right, like when do we breathe?  And don’t get it twisted, even with the in/out husband – I rarely had help with bills, he was more of the take you out to dinner once a week – and the rest went on where ever he was the night before. But again he had a flex schedule so he was able to take the kid to school.  Teamwork right?

 

So in the midst of all of that when do we breathe?  When do we have time to actually deal with any type of emotion or thought?  Well we don’t because we don’t have time and we forget to. You just take your licks, and you keep going, even though your heart feels like it is going to pop out of your chest before you even got your first cup of coffee in or the child to school, because you are running 15 minutes behind, and you promised your child you would braid her hair, and it’s raining, so traffic is going to suck, and it’s meeting day, and you already feel out of your league kind of morning, but you can’t breathe cause you got’s to go.  So you push through, to the school, to your job, to the school, to the rec center, go grab groceries while she is at practice, pick her up, take her home, homework, shower, practice, read, SNUGGLES. Sleep. Up. Repeat. This is our life. This is what we do. The weekends consist of repair the undone from the week. Laundry, the dishes scattered, scrub house down, mop on Saturday. Sunday comes and it is prep work for the week. Weekly groceries, rest of laundry you failed to do on Saturday because you got to watching a movie with bug because you as well, love Disney, so SNUGGGGLLLLESSSS.  Then it’s lunch prep, clothes prep, spend some time, and whatever else you have to do to prep for the week, and then catch another movie with bug cause SUNDAY SNUGGGLLLESSSS. YES I USE THAT HASHTAG ON IG FREQUENT, I STILL GET SNUGGLES FROM HER FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN SHE COMES AND VISITS. If your kids aren’t grown yet – you might not understand, but I do suggest daily snuggles. Lots of hugs, lots of jokes, and lots of ice cream, those things make kids happy, let your kids be happy – you will find it makes you happy. FYI We still do this. Yea say what you want cause we don’ts care! Come Saturday I get to see her and my momma, and Imma get me some snuggles from both, especially since my momma wanted to go to the emergency room last weekend via ambulance.  (I did warn you about this bouncy story stuff, just keep up – I know you can do it) BOTTOM LINE SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS GET OFF YOUR PHONES IPOD IPAD TABLET cause you will have plenty of time for that when they decide to be grown and leave you all alone with just the dog for company. YES I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. That is how I find the time now to do all this stuff and work. I miss having her here. A little more into that – we don’t really watch tv. We always did arts/ crafts/ dancing/ singing. We only watched movies. We didn’t have cable, so naturally. So at night time we would typically watch a movie maybe, sometimes none, just depended on what we were doing, but most of the time we were doing things like riding bikes, or hiking in the woods, have You Say When, etc.  Like typical things, we spent time together. To be honest for as poor as we were, she did get to experience a lot, and part of that was thanks to my ex husbands family. Yea our marriage was a complete disaster, but I did love his family. They came with trips to condos, and family outings, and it was about the only times that my husband and I could somewhat maintain a conversation without wanting to kill each other. We are completely volatile toward each other. So in these moments that we are doing family things, my daughter had a family, so you just dealt.

 

The words eventually don’t even hurt, you become numb, it’s just whatever at a point, because God knows it always progresses.  One minute it’s like you crying over a text, then a busted lip, then being in the hospital – you see progressive – and it happens like overnight.  You barely have time to deal with the one thing they do, before bam there is something worse, so now you are saying well the last thing wasn’t that bad – let’s deal with this – then bam – a new something worse.  Never any time to even really think about what is going on – to even realize like HEY STUPID DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GOING THROUGH HELLLOOOO. Nah cause you ain’t got time to hear that shit – you got to get the kid to the doctor’s and get to work, then you have class, and you only had 3 hours of sleep cause you was up arguing cause you mad, and he gonna change, and you feel like this time he done messed up so bad he had no choice but to change.  Yea girl how did that work out? Ha, that is that honeymoon phase all hear about.

 

So anyways.  Let’s get back to mental illness.  So with dealing with all of that – that fast paced chest – doctor’s call that anxiety.  Ha! Ya, since 1981. My overachieving but never accomplishing anything ass. Never feeling good enough, creates this anxiousness within myself, and that ladies and gentleman gets worse when you have a negative Nancy in your ear telling you all the reasons why you aren’t good enough.  Using physical attributes to shut down any type of positivity. Come out the room looking hella cute – just not his kind of hella cute. I would try to show him the goods, and he would be like – have you noticed that your thighs have even more dimples. Wow thanks ass.

 

So yea – you get torn down, and you just say screw it this is life, and you just let go – and let it become you.  This is your life, you make the best of it, and you are married, and through thick or thin right, and nah screw that.  If it is bad, and violent – gtfo NOW.

 

Now another thing you will have to also understand – he often disappeared.  He chose to live the free life of come and go as you please – there are lots of bars along the way, and we often split, multiple times,  A YEAR. The splits would get longer in between – but often would end up back because like family, and I was out there alone, I was getting close to losing my job because place wouldn’t open till 630, had to be there at 8, traffic would also be just like whoa, and you don’t leave the school till close to 7 by the time they open the gate, turn the lights on, open the doors, walk your kid to the far back of the school, cause that is where the library is, and walk back to your car.  Your starting to run late – and your boss has already talked to you – and your husband works construction – so he can do whatever he wants really – he knew his shit on the job – so he always had some play on his schedule – and for a time even ran his own little thing. And I would also like to add – although him and I were not good – he did an okay job playing dad from time to time. That was early morning during the weekdays when he had to limit his hangout times because of work hahaha.  He would often do things with her – and they often had a great time together. I mean he is an ass – but he did love her.

 

So anyways, this anxiety – this pressure, this is my illness.  I still have it to this day, but not near as bad as it used to be.  You see all the pressure from life, then having the pressure within the home.  The fear of expression, whether it be with words, art, creativity, ideas, thoughts, that is what caused my mental illness to be so bad.  

 

Not only are some people programmed to be incredibly critical – society as a whole – we are critical.  We often feel compressed, minimized because what we have to say, or what we have to express, it might not fit in the confines of what the next person might agree with.  And we are judged, characterized, and forever remembered by one single action or idea, to be followed with bashing and hate. And we do it to each other, it is not one over the other, we all do this.  We bitch about being judged, and with the next breath judge the next.

 

I still suffer from it – because we all have things that we worry about – the difference is – I am able to be expressive now, and that is part of the healing.  The walking, the writing, Marley (my labrabull), all these things are my healing blocks.

 

We need to as a whole, stop with that.  Now I am NOT SAYING KEEP SOME DUMBASS IN YOUR LIFE.  What I am saying is that when you are with someone – allow them the freedom to be themselves, so that you can also be yourself.  That way no one feels confined in the relationship so you can find happiness. Some people will have to go through the single route to find it like myself – because there was only his way, and I refuse for it to be that way.  It should be a path drawn by both for both, so that both can enjoy this life.

 

Release some of those shaken soda cans – and breathe, express, create, be YOU – the ones that are left are the ones that get to see the sparkle and shine when you are done making your masterpiece.  Let’s work on learning love, acceptance, and discovery. Hell you never know – maybe the things your husband/or wife enjoys outside of y’alls phones might get ya closer. Some of us will have to even figure out what we even like to do (this is me hahaha).

 

Till next time you beautiful brains 🙂

Do We Ever Really Find the “One”

Love like what the hell does it even mean?

We understand it when it comes to the people we are born into.  Our mother’s, father’s, children.  That type of love – although challenging sometimes – you typically do not have to question that love.

But what about a mate in life?  Do we really ever find the “one”?

I really don’t know the answer to that question, but what I do know – is that maybe we need to stop seeking the one and become the “one”.

I will have to elaborate on that cause at this point, you are probably looking at yourself and thinking – dam girl – I am the “one”.  But are you?  How honest are you in your current relationship?  Do you expect honesty yet not give it?  Do you continue to seek a “better” lover because you “deserve” one?  Let’s be real people!  Are you candid with your loved ones?  Do you express your feelings?  Do you even know who YOU are?  I mean really DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

Having a relationship will not validate you as a person.  Self discovery is hard, but one of the most rewarding and satisfying things you could ever accomplish.  Most of my life was spent dedicated to the needs of others – and now I am discovering my own needs, my own desires.

My insecurities are always heightened in a relationship.  But do you know why?  Because I was always the chameleon in the relationship.  Bending and turning to accommodate the needs of the men I wanted to be with.  Like look at me – I am perfect for you.  But that is fake.  Things that we do to “impress” a mate are really just a deceptive way for us chameleons to get the mate they want – then wonder why we aren’t happy.  Well dumb ass we aren’t happy because we are doing what THEY want and not what I want.

And y’all know what I am talking about too.  In the dating scene we all have a tendency to pretend to be something we are not to impress the date, and even modifier our normal behaviors because it is a date.

I, as well, am guilty of this, but no more.  Moving forward any dates will be conducted with 100% raw and unedited me, because that is who I am – the true me – and that is the one I want the next one to fall in love with.  Not the edited, and cleaned version.

I found true love.

True, unconditional love.

Within myself. img_20180515_103334_991