Life Update I’m fkng Tired hahahaha😎💯😎💯😎😂

I figured since my phone was dead I would actually get some writing done. I know that I have been bombarding my blog with Youtube and SoundCloud – and I actually do feel kind of bad about that. I haven’t been writing as much as I have been rapping, singing and doing my own music promos. I have been doing my best to try to find a happy median with it all. It is hard. I still work full time – still have a house to run – and the limitations I have been facing with my phone and lack of cable/internet at home has been surfacing. Things I do plan on changing but when you are on a limited budget certain non-essential items are just not a priority. I don’t consider cable or internet really a necessity – despite the fact that I run 9 different outlets, not including making music, from a MetroPcs phone and their unlimited service that includes hotspot.

Hey I make it work – but I am finding a frustration in the fact that it takes a lot longer when you are doing EVERYTHING from one battery hahaha – MY PHONE STAYS ON CHARGE lmao.
I mean we make due right? I mean after all – most consider a lot of this just really a hobby – although – the music – that – that would be a dream job. But I mean it’s A LOT of people’s. And a lot of people who carry not only experience – but grand talent. I, on the other hand, I am just a smart ass woman who has spent the last two years picking up the shattered pieces of the remains of multiple bad relationships. Combine that with my secret love for rapping poetry and bam – you have me hahaha.
People always say “it isn’t you” blah blah – bullshit when you go through a bad breakup. I will say – it was me. I mean after all – let’s really get to the real deal side of things – the only common denominator in the relationships – was me. Now I am a realist – and even about myself – so some self reflection is necessary.
Let me be real – I was unhappy with myself. This fake happiness that I lived – was only to ever be cured by that of a man, that in some way – I would never be whole if I didn’t have someone to love me. Well that is hog shit frfr. This insecurity, unhappiness within myself – this pours over into a relationship. Then add my OCD, and my independent, but attention needy, oh and of course my anxiety – ha – I AM A HANDFULL. I say that – but really – people like me are easy to deal with if you just do some real simple things. Pay attention to behaviors/moods – talk – and allow us to talk – without feeling defensive – and respect our space – and our OCD. If you know someone has OCD – don’t leave your shit strung through the house – OCD and anxiety hand in hand for almost all who have either/or.
The thing is I always liked fixer up men. You know, the ones that are broken, made me feel less broken. A crutch for a crutch and yet we both walking on broken legs.
Now listen, we are all broken in some way – to say that life hasn’t ever hit you hard, at least by your 30s – then well – you are special. For the rest of us though – that is a reality – we have all been hurt in some capacity. There is a difference though I would like to speak about. For a long time I thought my broken heart needed to be fixed by a man. I mean – that is what most of us think. When we have a failed relationship – we are quick to hop into the arms of another to “heal” from the last one. But really this isn’t what happens. What we do – is carry the pain from one relationship over into the next. We carry our fresh insecurities, our fresh pain, so we come into the relationship on the defensive.
Now there are times where this has worked for people – so for those that are reading this – and are like no – my significant other saved me – blah blah – hey I get it – and maybe they did – but most of the times – the savior is not a saint – just a different kind of demon. Hear me out though. Trust me – a few years ago – I would say the same thing.
We are going to continue the reference to a broken bone because it can give you a visual – and for some – maybe something to consider if and when you go through a separation. I think of breakups now like a broken bone. Say you break your arm – you aren’t going to go and lift weights the same day are you? We give our extremities more time to heal – then we do our souls. And really think about that for a minute. Our heart – our emotions – our thought control – our mindset – all things that get disrupted when a relationship comes to an end. And yet most people are back out on the market the same day – or hell sometimes in the same hour. I am guilty of this myself. I can’t speak about it if I haven’t been through it. I mean people do – but there is reality and then there is fiction.
These are the facts of my life – and I have accepted the things I have done. I am analytical though – and I have analyzed my life – a lot – over the past two years – and I know where I have went wrong.
I have been out there playing the game with a broken soul expecting a man to patch it -and yet – the answer was never any of them.
Unfortunately it was this last relationship that really did it in for me. No, not abusive, just an abusive liar. That it itself – is emotionally abusive – and I would never know the toll that would take it on me – until after I realized how much people really do lie. It was like a deep depressing thing for a while. I can’t tell you how many times I would ask a question just to hear what kind of response I was going to get. I always knew the answer before asking – but to just see the ability for someone to look at me in the eyes – swear on their everythings that they were telling the truth – it was just psychologically intriquing to me. No quilt, no remorse – just a retribution of anger for being “nosey and controlling”. Oh yea – I am controlling alright – you sticking your dipstick into my engine – yea I am old school – no secrets – no side chilling with your exes like it’s your Auntie. Like it was the weirdest shit – cause like after a while the shit didn’t even hurt – and like his ex used to text me with screenshots so like he never really got away with anything – and yet – I still stayed when I shouldn’t have. I often laughed the shit off – but like it leaves you feeling like what the hell??? Like I think back to some of the shit I stayed through – and really baby giirrrrlll what was I thinking????
The reality of that relationship though – reality about life – reality about standing alone to set myself out differently until my expectations are met. Not just my expectations in my future spouse but my expectations of myself.

I will no longer mold and bend to create the perfect spouse. I come now as is. And I won’t put up with negativity when it comes to my artistic side. I had a tendency to lay my desires in the artistic field to rest while in relationships – mainly because of negative feedback – but now – I watch and listen for that in the very beginning. My music is different – my art is different – I need someone that will be supportive of that – and genuine about it – otherwise I don’t want them in my life. My art is my outlet – and it is the only way for me to feel whole – and I am not just talking about the music – the cakes, the paintings – the crazy outfits – all of it.

Creating a happy life on my own has allowed me the chance to be happy – and accepting of myself. This has allowed me to understand what kind of relationship would actually make me happy – and some can say that I live in a fantasy world – well this world is better than accepting less than I deserve 🙂 we happy here – someone will eventually want to come along for the ride.

Ryda

Right now my focus is my music. The overwhelming response on the music side – and the fact that I am picking up the beats pretty quick – I don’t know – I would love to see where this could take me. So i will continue to push it – cause I feel like I found my “thing” hahaha.
Till next time my lovelies

How The Fashion Industry has Fat People Fkd Up

I have to honestly say – that over the past two years – I have really kind of started paying attention to the fashion industry.  I mean I always wanted to look good, but being fat my entire life, the options available to women were pretty much drab and outdated.

I don’t know if I am going through some type of midlife crisis to where I am more concerned now than I have ever been with clothes, and probably because of the fact that I have been introduced to Torrid.

I would like to say first and foremost – this isn’t a sponsored ad, so this by no means is a boost Torrid post – this is just my own personal experience.

I look back through pictures – pre-Torrid, and I just look at myself like meh – yea – outfits LAME.

But really what options did we have?  And then furthermore – I feel some type of way with companies in which their size 0-12 look fashionable and flirty – then you get to size 14-28 and it looks like we went back to 1990.

And do you know how crushing it is to walk into a store, and the only option you have is last winter, and winter circa 1965?  I mean honestly people – fat people like colors, shapes, patterns, different.  This is partly why I never enjoyed shopping.  Not only was I dealing with self-image issues – but it is crushing when you see an absolutely adorable pop pink dress – but it is only available in misses.  Your options are black, brown and grey.  Exclusion – cause being fat means you don’t care about yourself – so here ya go – have you some left over last year lame ass outfit.

Like why just because I am fat, can I not also get that adorable dress in my size, with the curves adjusted for a woman with a rack, and ass, and stomach included for free?  Like why do I have to look like an oompa loompa (no offense Willy) Monday thru Sunday?  And Jesus please someone make some thongs that actually fit over this ass.  I mean yea – I can find sizes that go around the waist – but I need something with some curve for the center string, so I am not digging the string out 900 times an hour.  And don’t come at with me – get a bigger size – cause I have done that too, and you know what happens, I am pulling up two strings, and pulling out 1.  Like someone help that situation.

Now I will have to say once I found Torrid, I realized there was someone who got us.  I hope to see the trend continue throughout the industry.

Just because we are fat – does not mean we don’t want to look good.

I want to slay Monday Thru Sunday.

Thanks to Torrid though – I am looking Hella cute today 🙂

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What I am Wearing ~ The Clearance Crusher

img_20181024_083630_986I have to say this is one of my favorite outfits.  Partially because it fits, and the other reason – because I blended my classy with my sassy.

The outfit is very basic – but the shirt – I bought that from Lane Bryant for  $0.56.  Yes less than 1.00.  You may ask how?

I only shop in the clearance sections of most stores, unless for some reason I am having to buy a specific outfit.

I also join the rewards programs at the stores.  This is critical – and if you aren’t doing this – you are missing out in a lot of free shit.  If the company offers a free reward card – I am using it.

I got this and one other shirt, for just a little over a dollar for BOTH.  They were already on clearance – then clearance was BOGO, and I had a $10.00 reward that I used.

Yep – how amazing is that!

The gloves, I bought out of season – only paid a few dollars for them.  Yes I had to wait to wear them – but it was totally worth it.

The kimono – BOGO @ Lane Bryant as well.  I got this one and a leopard print one for less than 15.00.  Freaking steal for kimonos.

The shoes, clearance BOGO at Torrid.  Along with the shades.

All clearance BOGO – combined with rewards.

I have been making poor pretty since 1981 hahaha.

 

 

 

Love Lies

It really does right?

I mean how many times have you mean in a relationship, and felt as though it was a Firestorm of emotions, only to be left feeling like what the fuck?

Firestorm is a nickname I had given myself for my fierce attitude and flaming red hair.  I mean if you knew me you would really understand.

We will completely and utterly crush our own soul just to have some type of involvement with a man – just so we won’t be alone.  And I know I am not the only female that has done this.  I have legit sat across from a man – and listened to him – while in my head I say to myself  “Why do I subject myself to such a destructive, demeaning, narcissistic dick head?”  And for what?  For that chair not to be empty?

I mean yeah – now – I am like nah – I don’t even want anyone to look at the chair.

But this was kind of along the transitional phase.  Then there is those few attempts I have made at dating.  And let me tell you how the one that was just like wow went.  So yeah – I met a guy on POF – for the sake of the story we will come him Lemon.  Well Lemon and I met for our first date – it went great – like really great – but then came the second date.

And let me tell you how it went downhill so fast.  Now listen there was a dry spell – so yea I had slept with him the first night we met in person.  Jesus I know – I’m a whore.  What ever, we all know half y’all are on Tinder, despite half y’all denying it  And no different then meeting someone at the bar – at least I had talked to him for a while before I let him come to the castle.

Anyways – it was great – then like yea – second date.  Where it all went wrong.  And the aftermath has me, to this day, quite nervous to even test the water in the dating pond.

So we go over to his house and then I realized yep THIS IS WHY I AM FUCKING SINGLE

Like let’s start off with the fact – that him and his mom live together.  Now listen – I get it – no sense in having your own place – financial – etc – BUUUTTT

If you live with your family – and intend on the person staying the night – I don’t know – how the f a woman supposed to be comfortable rocking the rodeo if your momma, is 5 feet down the hall.  Legit, 5 feet.  In a condo.  That he supposedly “co-owned” with his mum.

WHICH WAS A LIE

Now listen ladies.  I have be single for a while.  But dead ass, I don’t give a dam how much fun a man is, if you come through and I cantch you in even the smallest lie, your done.  Like done done done done…  The crazy thing is – if he would have told me he was in a financial bind, I would have understood.  There was nothing to be shameful about.  I struggle, like dam I get it.  There is no shame in struggle, only in deception.

I will never be desperate enough to let a man into my soul with impure intent, deception by any manner goes to the quality of your morals.  If you “casually” lie – I know what you are about.  And the truth always comes out – cause I am fkng paying attention.

But it didn’t stop there.  I mean I could almost understand why he wouldn’t have been forthcoming with that, due to ego.

Nah – that would be too easy right.  The second failed moment – was when I was asking a question about the mural on the wall in the hallway – and he had disregarded it and actually said “shut up”.  Like wow ass – like I am trying to learn – I am trying to engage – and you are just like shutting me down.  Now he was laughing when he said it – but he wasn’t really playing, and you could tell – cause he changed the subject immediately to an interest that better suited him.  Like my ass.  Which yea it is pretty dam great – but I like engagement on more than a physical matter, so when you shut me down with something that is sexually related, I knew what he was about.

And here is the thing, I have already went through a controlling relationship – I have healed, so the first sign of control is shutting down, or belittling someone so that they feel weak and unloved, so that they never leave.  It is manipulation at it’s finest.  And I am not the type of woman – this has to be done to.  I don’t need a variety pack of men to feel happiness. Clearly I have none, and I am incredibly happy without – so unless you are able to let me be who I am and enjoy life, then you won’t be in my life.  #facts

 

 

 

 

 

DIY Wedding😍 We get it done

If you have been following me on Instagram then you know my baby girl is getting hitched.

Yep I may talk a lot of shit about men but I do believe in love as well and have taught my daughter to love abundantly. Well that bit me in the ass cause here she is getting married.

Well due to limited funds (thank God for this merger at work cause I scored some overtime or IDK hahaha), we are DIYing up over here.

I will say though even if we had money, we would still be DIYing our hearts out because it makes it special. You make not think so, but some of my best memories with my daughter is making stuff. We didn’t have cable when she was growing up, except in one apartment where it was included in the rent, but we were only able to stay there for 2 years. Well I’ve never really been a TV watching person anyways. Even when we had cable, we were at the community pool or tennis courts. We felt hella rich living there but to be honest the rent was low cause they were starting to get ran down. The neighborhood next to the apartments took a turn for some sketchy vibes so it flowed over into the apartments. That was also temporary too. Someone bought the apartment complex and redid it, the reason we got to move in, was also the reason we had to move out. After the new company bought the apartments and the lease came due, the rent went up.

We stayed for another year after that, struggling more and more each month. Then the ex~husband moved out and then of course once the lease was up, my kid and I had no choice but to move.

Something, unfortunately, I had done that quite a bit to my princess. I will say though, she gained a lot of friends along the way, so not all bad.

Anyways how did we even get there 😂😂and no I am not gonna edit. I have openly discussed that my stories will bounce but how else are u gonna understand if you don’t know a little background? I know it’s a good question.

Haha

Anyways back to DIY with my kiddo. Listen y’all I was both a father and mother at times, she as well played daughter and son. She loves both Mudd and water. She is both sun and moon. She had a universal, fluid spirit. She gets a lot of good from her father too. He is the hammer to our free spirits.

Him and I have been divorced for a very long time, but I see his grounded behavior in her. Which God knows that’s a good thing cause Momma in her younger days was quite the handful. I was young, raising a kid, in a chaotic world. Judge me if you wish but no one is perfect. You know more at 37 than 27. More at 27 than 20. And a lot more at 20 than you do at 18.

One thing that a young poor, hardworking woman loves doing though? Creating something grand out of very little. And if you were to ask my baby girl, momma pretty good at that.

I can’t tell you how much stuff we have made over the years. See there are benefits to being poor. When u have very little money for gifts, mom’s often buy that 5.00 craft kits from Walmart. For me, those kits were a 3 fold gift.

1. Christmas gift, and often times the boxes are big, fill the tree nicely.

2. They have the benefits of their work afterwords. Bracelets, purses, pictures, shirts, etc.

3. It gave us something to do together. I know right now she doesn’t understand how much that time meant to me but they are some of the best times ever.

I have always encouraged her in her arts, crafts or whatever creative outlet she wished. Something all parents really should do. Expressive outlets help children cope with life and God knows, if there was ever a time that children need something as an outlet cause the world done lost it’s mind.

We would turn up the radio, sing while she would color, create, build.

And I have to say when she showed me the jars she made the other day I was like well dam look at my baby with her little crafty self. 😄😄😄😄

We may financially struggle but we make do. And we paint our lives beautiful. I guess that is why she had no concerns with only 3 weeks to plan. Cause you know Momma got you baby 😘😘😘😘😘

Homemade is beautiful 😘😘😘

Pic by me the bouquets for the wedding and the boutonnieres. 😘😘😘

Being Fat is Painful

My Fight

As discussed previously I have gastroparesis.  Today I am struggling.  A flare up from veggies.  Yes veggies.  Fibrous foods.  The struggle is real – but this is a fight I plan on beating.  Pushing through to the finale 🙂

 

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Photo by Public Domain Pictures on Pexels.com

Cheesy Chasing Omelette

Cheesy Chasing Omelette

When I say cheesy – I mean cheesy.

This omelette is actually incredibly easy to make – just – and feeds quite a few people.

So if you are on a tight budget – and trying to get creative with your eggs – here ya go.

Makes for a beautiful plating – and is quite scrumptious.

Make an omelette roll, top with some more yum.  If you are unfamiliar with how to roll an omelette – make a very thin layer, and roll like a roll-up.

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Omelette

6 eggs

1/4 cup of heavy whipping cream

Butter for the pan

Cheese sauce

2 tbsp of butter

1/2 cup of white sharp cheddar cheese

Salt, pepper, parsley, to taste.