I Smell Cakes and Candy

The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing Relationship Redemption Round

Mental illness is something few wish to discuss, especially me considering in my younger years I would be incredibly private about my flaws.  I mean who isn’t. I guess I am at peace or in recovery stage so I am feeling up to discuss it. I discussed how my life was in fast forward in a previous post. There was so much that happened in my second marriage that I do not care to dwell or discuss, but there are a few things that I would like to, especially considering we are about to go into Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  And I am not going to bash or say bad things about my ex husband, because, he as well has his own mental illness he copes with. I do not excuse his behavior, but over the years – I started to understand why he was the way he was, and let’s be honest, I, as well have done some crazy ass shit so like I get it.

Sometimes life itself bears so much weight on our shoulders to where we feel like we are going to explode, well I felt that  for a very very long time. A ticking time bomb if you will. All that pressure, being a wife, a mother, an employee, a college student, the ceo, cfo, maid and the janitor of your own home.  The taxi driver, the birthday party make it happen with no money budget boss, school clothes getting, grocery getting, bill paying boss. I mean we freaking do it all right, like when do we breathe?  And don’t get it twisted, even with the in/out husband – I rarely had help with bills, he was more of the take you out to dinner once a week – and the rest went on where ever he was the night before. But again he had a flex schedule so he was able to take the kid to school.  Teamwork right?

So in the midst of all of that when do we breathe?  When do we have time to actually deal with any type of emotion or thought?  Well we don’t because we don’t have time and we forget to. You just take your licks, and you keep going, even though your heart feels like it is going to pop out of your chest before you even got your first cup of coffee in or the child to school, because you are running 15 minutes behind, and you promised your child you would braid her hair, and it’s raining, so traffic is going to suck, and it’s meeting day, and you already feel out of your league kind of morning, but you can’t breathe cause you got’s to go.  So you push through, to the school, to your job, to the school, to the rec center, go grab groceries while she is at practice, pick her up, take her home, homework, shower, practice, read, SNUGGLES. Sleep. Up. Repeat. This is our life. This is what we do. The weekends consist of repair the undone from the week. Laundry, the dishes scattered, scrub house down, mop on Saturday. Sunday comes and it is prep work for the week. Weekly groceries, rest of laundry you failed to do on Saturday because you got to watching a movie with bug because you as well, love Disney, so SNUGGGGLLLLESSSS.  Then it’s lunch prep, clothes prep, spend some time, and whatever else you have to do to prep for the week, and then catch another movie with bug cause SUNDAY SNUGGGLLLESSSS. YES I USE THAT HASHTAG ON IG FREQUENT, I STILL GET SNUGGLES FROM HER FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN SHE COMES AND VISITS. If your kids aren’t grown yet – you might not understand, but I do suggest daily snuggles. Lots of hugs, lots of jokes, and lots of ice cream, those things make kids happy, let your kids be happy – you will find it makes you happy. FYI We still do this. Yea say what you want cause we don’ts care! Come Saturday I get to see her and my momma, and Imma get me some snuggles from both, especially since my momma wanted to go to the emergency room last weekend via ambulance.  (I did warn you about this bouncy story stuff, just keep up – I know you can do it) BOTTOM LINE SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS GET OFF YOUR PHONES IPOD IPAD TABLET cause you will have plenty of time for that when they decide to be grown and leave you all alone with just the dog for company. YES I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. That is how I find the time now to do all this stuff and work. I miss having her here. A little more into that – we don’t really watch tv. We always did arts/ crafts/ dancing/ singing. We only watched movies. We didn’t have cable, so naturally. So at night time we would typically watch a movie maybe, sometimes none, just depended on what we were doing, but most of the time we were doing things like riding bikes, or hiking in the woods, have You Say When, etc.  Like typical things, we spent time together. To be honest for as poor as we were, she did get to experience a lot, and part of that was thanks to my ex husbands family. Yea our marriage was a complete disaster, but I did love his family. They came with trips to condos, and family outings, and it was about the only times that my husband and I could somewhat maintain a conversation without wanting to kill each other. We are completely volatile toward each other. So in these moments that we are doing family things, my daughter had a family, so you just dealt.

The words eventually don’t even hurt, you become numb, it’s just whatever at a point, because God knows it always progresses.  One minute it’s like you crying over a text, then a busted lip, then being in the hospital – you see progressive – and it happens like overnight.  You barely have time to deal with the one thing they do, before bam there is something worse, so now you are saying well the last thing wasn’t that bad – let’s deal with this – then bam – a new something worse.  Never any time to even really think about what is going on – to even realize like HEY STUPID DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GOING THROUGH HELLLOOOO. Nah cause you ain’t got time to hear that shit – you got to get the kid to the doctor’s and get to work, then you have class, and you only had 3 hours of sleep cause you was up arguing cause you mad, and he gonna change, and you feel like this time he done messed up so bad he had no choice but to change.  Yea girl how did that work out? Ha, that is that honeymoon phase all hear about.

So anyways.  Let’s get back to mental illness.  So with dealing with all of that – that fast paced chest – doctor’s call that anxiety.  Ha! Ya, since 1981. My overachieving but never accomplishing anything ass. Never feeling good enough, creates this anxiousness within myself, and that ladies and gentleman gets worse when you have a negative Nancy in your ear telling you all the reasons why you aren’t good enough.  Using physical attributes to shut down any type of positivity. Come out the room looking hella cute – just not his kind of hella cute. I would try to show him the goods, and he would be like – have you noticed that your thighs have even more dimples. Wow thanks ass.

So yea – you get torn down, and you just say screw it this is life, and you just let go – and let it become you.  This is your life, you make the best of it, and you are married, and through thick or thin right, and nah screw that.  If it is bad, and violent – gtfo NOW.

Now another thing you will have to also understand – he often disappeared.  He chose to live the free life of come and go as you please – there are lots of bars along the way, and we often split, multiple times,  A YEAR. The splits would get longer in between – but often would end up back because like family, and I was out there alone, I was getting close to losing my job because place wouldn’t open till 630, had to be there at 8, traffic would also be just like whoa, and you don’t leave the school till close to 7 by the time they open the gate, turn the lights on, open the doors, walk your kid to the far back of the school, cause that is where the library is, and walk back to your car.  Your starting to run late – and your boss has already talked to you – and your husband works construction – so he can do whatever he wants really – he knew his shit on the job – so he always had some play on his schedule – and for a time even ran his own little thing. And I would also like to add – although him and I were not good – he did an okay job playing dad from time to time. That was early morning during the weekdays when he had to limit his hangout times because of work hahaha.  He would often do things with her – and they often had a great time together. I mean he is an ass – but he did love her.

So anyways, this anxiety – this pressure, this is my illness.  I still have it to this day, but not near as bad as it used to be.  You see all the pressure from life, then having the pressure within the home.  The fear of expression, whether it be with words, art, creativity, ideas, thoughts, that is what caused my mental illness to be so bad.  

Not only are some people programmed to be incredibly critical – society as a whole – we are critical.  We often feel compressed, minimized because what we have to say, or what we have to express, it might not fit in the confines of what the next person might agree with.  And we are judged, characterized, and forever remembered by one single action or idea, to be followed with bashing and hate. And we do it to each other, it is not one over the other, we all do this.  We bitch about being judged, and with the next breath judge the next.

I still suffer from it – because we all have things that we worry about – the difference is – I am able to be expressive now, and that is part of the healing.  The walking, the writing, Marley (my labrabull), all these things are my healing blocks.

We need to as a whole, stop with that.  Now I am NOT SAYING KEEP SOME DUMBASS IN YOUR LIFE.  What I am saying is that when you are with someone – allow them the freedom to be themselves, so that you can also be yourself.  That way no one feels confined in the relationship so you can find happiness. Some people will have to go through the single route to find it like myself – because there was only his way, and I refuse for it to be that way.  It should be a path drawn by both for both, so that both can enjoy this life.

Release some of those shaken soda cans – and breathe, express, create, be YOU – the ones that are left are the ones that get to see the sparkle and shine when you are done making your masterpiece.  Let’s work on learning love, acceptance, and discovery. Hell you never know – maybe the things your husband/or wife enjoys outside of y’alls phones might get ya closer. Some of us will have to even figure out what we even like to do (this is me hahaha).

Till next time you beautiful brains 🙂