Why Do We Stay In Dead End Relationships?

Probably for the same reason we stay in dead end jobs.  Partly because we are lazy, and partly because it is comfortable.  I speak from experience.  I mean how many times does a man need to screw up before I am like okay – you need to go?  Apparently quite a bit.

I have been trying to figure that question out for some time now.  Being alone – it takes work.  I mean sleeping alone in itself can be scary.  Not to mention the feeling of abandonment when your used to your phone being blown up day in and day out.

We stay hopeful too.  Like oh, he made a mistake, but he is going to change.  And then as women we feel like we are raising this boy into a man – so we feel accomplished.  What I have realized though – is when you have to be the boy’s momma – he will always make mistakes – and you will always be left cleaning up the mess.

How many times have you been disrespected in any capacity – and yet stayed – and have you ever asked yourself why?

I have come to know my reasons, and I will be candid.

First off – I like comfortable.  From everything in life to my jammies to my relationship.  I want a man to fit my lifestyle like a glove, don’t complicate shit for me – it will irritate me.

Secondly I never felt like I deserved more than what was in front of me.  OMG I know, but hey self-realization is hard – but when you become honest with yourself – your life starts to come together.

Third – I am lazy – I would rather comfortable and knowing that the person in front of me is an ass hole over the next one that I don’t know – and I don’t know what they bring to the table – cause God knows the other switch outs didn’t play too good in my favor in the past.

Fourth – loneliness used to scare the shit out of me.  Now I rather enjoy it – and often find that now it takes more work to be social than to be alone.  This one is the hardest. Often times, we as women, we don’t give ourselves enough credit.  I guess maybe from the teachings of Adam and Eve, we as women feel like we need a man to thrive, to survive, but I am here to tell you – I have been alone for the past 2 years – and it has been the hardest, most rewarding 2 years of my life.  Learning to be alone – you realize how to love yourself.

Now the benefit to the 4th, is that when you are left alone, on your own, you learn your true strengths, and with that – the other 3 get cancelled out.

Being alone isn’t for the weak – cause God knows there would be times to where I didn’t feel like I could go on any longer alone, but you stay with your grind, and you figure shit out.  The fear that I have now is that I am so happy in my own little world that I won’t let a man be a part of it hahahaha – they have a tendency to ruin things for me. Hahaha.

Relationships take work – but I have to tell all you beautiful bitches a secret.

People only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Yea you heard me.  PEOPLE ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

Repeat it again PEOPLE ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO

Speak up for yourself .  USE YOUR WORDS.  Express your feelings, we need to work on our own communication skills before we can expect our spouses to do the same.

We have become a society in which we are in constant need of fixing other people’s life – we don’t realize our own life needs some fixing.

Start with YOU, cause I promise in your quest to repair yourself – people filter themselves out naturally!!!!!!

Have a fabulous day my friends.IMG_20180919_201935_891

 

 

 

 

My Turmoil Over The Truth – The Deeper Side

Yes, for me, there is turmoil over the truth.

You see, I am very much a truth seeker.  And not just in the relationship sector of my life, in just about any aspect of my life.  I mean I can read an article, and if it sounds a little off, I am verifying, and researching.  I mean, part of that is why I am good at my regular job.  I am incredibly analytical, and that ladies and gents is a huge issue in relationships.

Most of my jobs have surrounded around finding errors, or missing links between data.  Now I am not saying that I don’t make mistakes, I am human, and often times when typing – I am thinking so fast – that sometimes I miss words, or I may have a grammar error from time to time.  I have a fast paced life, along with a phone that is on its last leg – with plenty of broken glass that I take a risk my life on every time I am on it.  Hey times are tough, and really I am able to accomplish the things I need to, so all is well for now.

Now take that error finding personality and apply that to your home.  Now if honesty and integrity in relationships was still a valid thing, then this probably wouldn’t be an issue; however, I become almost a challenge to a man.  And we all know how men love a challenge.  Like, hmm, she good – let’s see how good, let me see what I can actually get away with before she catches on.

Well not very far.  You see, when a women tells you she is analytical – pay attention to that – because that means that by nature, even if she seems like she isn’t paying attention, she is.   This translates to knowing your schedule/ routine, and close to the minute.

Well you might be thinking – well okay – most people do.  Yea – well do you know many minutes your spouse’s shower is,or how long it takes them to cook breakfast? Basically being able to walk through their life in my own eyes, but for me, it translates to numbers.

I don’t even do it intentionally – and it isn’t immediate or overnight – it is the repetition of events that stick to my brain.  It isn’t like I am calculating either, but certain things correlate for me.  For example, if you listen to music in the shower, you listen to 3 songs, depending on the type of music – typically you can expect most songs to be between 3.5 to 5 minutes in length, so typically you can expect your shower to be between 10.5 to 15 minutes in length.  It’s the correlation that makes markers in my brain.

To further that, when people speak to me, my brain is in auto pilot and draws out a picture in my head of the events taking place, and typically can pick out errors in stories.  I don’t know – it is verbal connectivity.  I love it for work purposes – and hate it when it comes to my own personal life.

Yea – I said that – because sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Maybe if I was living in a world where deception wasn’t the new truth – then yea it wouldn’t be an issue.  And like I get it.  There is so many outlets available to people to pursue infidelity.  Everyone promising everyone to be better than the last one – but really – it is the chase people love.  Not saying there aren’t people out there that find the “one” and live happily ever after – I am just saying there is a group of us in which this is our reality.

I am not being bitter either.  How many of you would HONESTLY hand their spouse their phone, and have no concerns what so ever?  And I mean complete transparency too? No deleting.  If your spouse had access to your data files, and was able to sift through ever since piece of your life on that phone, would you have concerns?

I don’t believe in privacy in a relationship.  Yea – yea I know – OMG.  How horrible.  Say what you want – but if a man is going to be laying next to me, and inside of my body – well then there is no privacy.  Sorry not sorry.  Not off the bat – but if I am in a long term committed relationship (which is often when this starts happening), then yea.  You start acting shady – what’s up – what you doing?

You want privacy with your phone – I am gonna need some privacy with this p*****.  I know sounds bitchy – but hey – whatever – it’s my life, and honestly – if you value that phone and what is in it – over your relationship, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

When you are in your twenties you concern yourself with relationships, by the time you get to be my age – late 30s – you just want honesty and security.  My pursuit of happiness now most definitely does not include a relationship.  I am completely emotionally disconnected from the male population too.  Any advances are often not noticed, and even with they are noticed – I promptly reject the idea.  Not today Satan.  I am not joking either – I have no intention nor want the distraction or frustration that comes with dating.  I am not ready – and I don’t have to be.

I want the type of relationship that includes honestly.  I want a best friend.  Your spouse is the only one that should know the deeper side of you (in all ways hahahahaha).

Have a great week 🙂

Screenshot_2018-09-30-19-05-42-1

Poverty

Error
This video doesn’t exist

Listen to Poverty by Momma Rapper on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/jessica-m-wilkes/jessica-m-wilkes-poverty-m4a

The No Pressure Chronicles

It’s storming out back and I’m sitting here just like exhausted mentally and physically. I finished moving and lining things up in the living room. Visualizations of the future coming.

As the thunder is rumbling, I guess I am thinking to myself how much easier it is to grab a pen and paper or my writing apps and bleed than it is to look at someone and say exactly how I feel. Often times when I do say how I feel, it often comes off at bitchy or assertive when your only trying to discuss or workout an issue in your head. It’s easier for me to explain and to understand when seeing letter by letter lined up in perfect formation to explain a feeling or thought. Meanwhile when I try to speak the words, it comes out weak and wordy.

Trying to grasp at life, am I grasping too hard, not enough? How do we know?

How do we know what decisions are right, what decisions are wrong? How do we know what are the signs and which direction they actually face?

I normally enjoy watching the rain but today it’s almost sad.

Making it a good day to write.

Rain is something I typically enjoy. I do at this moment too. It’s almost like feeling each of your emotions and it almost calms your emotions. Sometimes you have to feel the pain.

It brings strength.

We must go through what we go through, each and every feeling like a season.

I may be fucked but I’m still going in for the win..

It’s been go time since I let my landlord know that I couldn’t secure the funding for the house because of the D.O.E vs Corinthian Colleges have my loans in limbo for the borrower defense to repay because of the schools business practices. It’s a class action lawsuit that’s been going on for several years. I actually filed the paperwork before I moved into this house because I was sent the notice to file. Anyways, after 3 years, I just couldn’t make the landlord wait any longer to sell the house. Luckily she needed a renter at the same time I needed a house so it just worked out. I really thought it was in the stars that I would one day own the house but I have a thing about 3. Independence day was the 3rd anniversary of living here and it just never worked out.

That doubled with the environment at work lately, I needed to move, so it was just time to move on with both. Job and house. There have been so many situations at work that some sound unbelievable, hell even I am like wtf what just happened 🙄

The environment at work has taken it’s toll on my mental and physical health. Just more than a person can tolerate. I work incredibly hard to have so little, and part of that is because I always accepted less than I deserved, as most of us do. My debt to income ratio that kept coming up because of my student loans really has me thinking some serious shit has to change.

Not only do I need a cheaper place to live, but I need a better job.

So, I’m headed to Georgia. The first stop on more to come.

I had to move. The landlord has already had the inspection and it is time to let go of a job that not only lacks in pay but also in potential.

I’m a little rough around the edges cause I was raised in the sticks but I was raised to work hard. We dragged Cypress out the swamps here in Florida. Running through spreadsheets is like a vacation, but what isn’t, having a job that puts you in a dark spot emotionally because it’s a constant struggle dealing with the boss and his eager to strike emotions. I just want to be plugged in and type my 120 wpm while listening to Eminem and Lil Wayne.

I’m good at my job, but I’m not good at being the main aim at target practice Monday thru Friday.

Even after my resignation, the nonsense has gotten worse.

To the point to where I’ve requested my exit interview with the new president.

I’m about to let him know exactly how many ethical violations go on there on a daily basis.

I may be feeling defeated at work, because honestly, I just wanted to do my job and go home, but I will go leaving an impact for change.

Something I’m known for.

I’m not the only one having the same issues, and unless someone speaks up, the misuse of power will continue to go unnoticed.

I dread the very thought of going in each and every day, often feeling the effects in my gut, but have to because we need the money for the move.

Funds are limited and because I really don’t have furniture worth any value, we haven’t made much from selling our stuff.

I appreciate the donations we have received, it’s going to help drastically.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked over at Greg and said “I’m ready to go”.

My things are packed down to bare minimum, like a few outfits, shoes and dishes. The closets are all cleaned out and the shed is almost done.

The move date, well I keep moving it up. Part of me is ready to get out everyone’s way and finally find some peace. Get back on track with my health goals and catch a breath.

I will also say, I’m looking forward to living a life with someone who genuinely is helpful. Not only will we be splitting the bills, but he helps around the house. Helps with my music. Helps when I’m having breakdowns, which has been quite a few lately.

That I feel a little back and forth with. The way I have been lately is not a typical thing. But, I did lose the house I worked hard to buy and even invested money into fixing up a few things and if I had more money, I would have fixed up even a few more things. I loved it in this house, but I know it’s time to move on. Then the finding a place to live that would allow my dogs. They aren’t small dogs. Marley alone is over 80 pounds 🙄. Then the expenses piled up do quickly that any other option outside of Georgia, was no longer an option.

Then my OCD with packing and painting and all that, it just has been a rough couple weeks.

But at least he has dealt with the worse of the worse. ✔

I’ve been a back and forth basket case the past few weeks and well, he has been quite impressive. Often offering up some game time for some distraction, which has been therapeutic to say the least.

I worry about his true ability to withstand long term but he is young so at least he still has the energy to deal with my crazy ass.

I’d give anything to be able to email my boss and be like, “well sorry but your excessive misuse of fake power has resulted in the resignation being moved up to this moment and you sir, may kiss my fat white ass 😂”

🙄

Fyi, if any you people out there offering money to tell their boss to fuck off, I’m your girl 🤗🤗

Georgia ain’t gonna know what hit em 😂

Greg’s really shocked me about the job stuff too. He often eases my mind by saying, “well if you don’t, then you can work on ur music, cooking and blogging.”

I often come back with the “that doesn’t pay the bills” but I know he can see it in my eyes, that’s what I actually want to do.

I’m a writer. Yes, often times, not grammatical correct or not in complete sentences, but nonetheless, still a writer. Some goes on beats, some gets published on WordPress 😂

We have talked about the YouTube thing too once he finds the webcam he has to find.

Maybe turn my YouTube channel into Momma’s reality television show, instead of Momma’s reality video channel 😂

To be honest, quite a few think that would be dank 😂 and once we get settled in with some internet, we gonna do just that.

Plus, Momma might start game video sharing once I get my own desktop. Once I get a job, and settled ✔

I ain’t about that being at the mercy of a man though, so y’all know that won’t work for too long for momma 😂

I do get a penny a play on Spotify tho, so if u can’t donate, u can get Momma some 💰 that way 😍

I hope that this rollercoaster ride is almost over, I’m looking forward to starting this new relationship in a new house 💯

He is helping me reach my full potential because he doesn’t cast negativity, he is supportive, resulting in my music improving, and that confidence in me, he has, it’s breathtaking.

I wish we could just leave, maybe visit some things while heading out. Almost like a vacation 😂 oh wait, what is that?

I did go to the keys for a few days last year, but I will say, I’ve had limited vacations with significant others, and with Greg, I know when we are able to, we are going to have some of the best travels.

He adores my crazy, and that is helping me prosper.

I can’t wait to drive across the state border 💯 I can’t wait to unpack things with this crazy light of my life of a man. I can’t wait to explore this little town we are going to.

I can’t wait to see where our journey is going to take us.