Being Fat is Painful

My Fight

As discussed previously I have gastroparesis.  Today I am struggling.  A flare up from veggies.  Yes veggies.  Fibrous foods.  The struggle is real – but this is a fight I plan on beating.  Pushing through to the finale 🙂

 

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Photo by Public Domain Pictures on Pexels.com

Marley & Me – A Dog’s Tale

Meet Marley

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I can say without a doubt – he is the love of my life.  They always say dogs come into our lives for a reason – and I truly believe that.  To be quite honest I was kind of in that in between stage.  Wanting a dog, but knowing you can’t really afford another mouth to feed.  Well the kid and I had tossed around the idea, and it just so happened about a week after that conversation – along came home a very rough-looking pup.  A fat one, but a rough-looking one.

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(My two babies)

OMG isn’t he just the cutest.  Yes he is.  I know.  LOOK AT HIM hahahaha.  My daughter quite beautiful too – I KNOW.  I have beautiful babies.  Marley was actually her dog the first few weeks – but she is young – and well I used that against her to take possession of him.  I basically force adopted him hahahaha.  But really she knew him and I were meant to be.  Especially after the night she wanted to take him out-of-town and I had a complete crying fit – yeah – that was the night I knew I fell in love with him.

I am not joking either.  My daughter can attest to this story.  I was getting onto her about having the responsibilities of having a dog – and that she couldn’t be leaving during the weekends and leaving the dog to  me.

Then she pop off with – well I will take him with me.  HELL NO.  Like it was bad enough my child was grown – but like now you wanna take my grand baby riding around doing God knows what, what if he runs off or gets hurt.  He won’t know how to get home cause he just got here.  Yea yea – I know – I became my mother.

The thing is – that for those 3 weeks that Marley had been here – Katie had been gone on the weekends.  Me and this little one – we started doing things together.  Like, everything.  At the time he was a pup – I still had a regular vehicle.  So he got to go to the laundry mat, to the grocery store, I mean he was little so like you could just hold him like a baby hahaha.  screenshot_2017-12-01-10-45-35

Marley car rides

Isn’t he adorable 🙂 hahaha.

A bond that is really unmatched.  If I had to choose to do something with friends or Marley, it’s gonna be Marley.  I mean after all, he has been there through a lot.  And he is always down to do whatever.

All I got to say is “Marley wanna go ______” and he is like yep.  I could say let’s go to bed, he would be like, yep.  Wanna go on a walk, YEEEPPPP.  Wanna dance, yep.  Wanna throw fetch, yep.  Wanna sit out back and watch the stars, YEP.  He really does enjoy those things – or he is just pretty good at playing along hahahaha.

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Marley nap time

He gets me through the tough times.  He makes me laugh when I am sad.  He loves me unconditionally, despite how I look, how I feel, he is always there.  If I want to eat junk food, he says nothing, he just wants a bite, he is most definitely my partner in crime.  He is tough when he needs to be, even though he acts like a baby sometimes – when called to arms – he is there.

To be honest – he reminds me a little of my dad.  He does the things I know my dad would do if he was still here, and that would be comfort and protect.  Two things I’ve never experienced from a spouse, I at least had the blessing of having that growing up.  Something many people lack, and probably why I pose as a challenge for most men – because a weak man will never be a good match for me.

Yep, a Daddy’s girl.  Raised in the mud, tough as nails, a mouth you can’t control, witty and wild.

There are a lot of things that I know I would have never done alone, that I have been able to do because I have Marley by my side.  And a lot of those things have to do with my father.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post – we spent a great deal of time outdoors, as a family, building cypress furniture.  Even as kids, all of us, my cousins included would gather around a peel bark – or do whatever to earn money to able to go to the store.

Yea sounds crazy – but it taught us how to earn a living.  Nothing in life is free, NOTHING.  It cost someone, something, somehow, in some capacity, even if it is free to you.  Most of us picked up some tricks of the trade, and while my skill is nothing compared to the boys of the family, being the only girl – I can still build some shit.

It had been a long time since I had picked up a hammer, other than to hang picture frames.  I always loved to build things too.  That wasn’t really an option in the second marriage.  My vision didn’t line up with his – so it was better to just set that to the side, it was better than arguing.

You see, I got Marley at a time where I was transitioning into the single life, once again, and this time, in a different capacity than ever before.  At the time I didn’t know it, but looking back now.  I don’t know – he brought me companionship in a time where I needed it the most.

As I have said previously, single life isn’t for the weak.  There are a lot of lonely nights – and often times you can find yourself losing sleep, or losing yourself.  Trying to analyze your life, trying figure it all out.  Scary nights.  Getting used to the silence.  It was all scary.  Yes, even though I hate to admit it, even those crying nights.  You might say, well you got a kid.  Yea – a grown one, and even two years ago – she was still 17 – she was still gone most weekends.

Well do you know what happens when you get a pup?  They keep you busy.  They give you someone to talk to.  They kiss your tears away.  They curl up to you when you need them.  He makes me laugh.  He protects the house.  He watches movies, and even is my personal trainer.  Yep my personal trainer, cause he loves him some jogging.

 

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Marley Playing

With having Marley by my side, I guess in a way – it helped me learn more about me, because I am more willing to do things alone, because really I am not alone.  He is here.  He helped me paint the house we are in, helped me build quite a few picture frames.  He stands in the kitchen and watches me cook without saying anything when I am sneaking some snacksies.  Probably cause he just waiting on his.

Most people think he got the name from the movie, but actually after The Marley family.  And while I joke that Marley is nothing like his name intended, cause he has no chill, in reality – he name is very suiting.  He brought me love and peace at a time in which a war was raging within my soul.  He helped me get back to my creative and adventurous side.  He is my peace.  I mean you walk into your doors, and like how could your day not be left at the door, when they are so excited to see you??? Like they love you – even if you are covered in sweat, dirt, they gives no fks.  They like come here let me lick yo face! Hahahaha.

 

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So the next time you look at Mars and say he isn’t my son – you can kiss my jelly fish.

 

Marley & Me

 

Let’s Talk Money – Fiscal Fitness

I don’t have any – but I do have a lot of great advice on how to make poor look pretty.

This is the best advice I give anyone in regards to finances.

First you need to determine your needs, vs your wants.

How do you discover that cause we all need everything?

Well if you are poor it comes easy – but for the rest – this might be actual work, but I make it easy.

So you are trying to figure out where to start with a budget because you need to save some money, or have something planned, and you are trying to determine what things you can keep, and what things you need to stop.

I will make it super easy for you.

Take the expense – and make it into an annual expense – and best believe you will be more than happy to trim some of that excess spending.

For example:

NAILS

Are you a woman who get’s her nails done every two weeks like clock work?

What does it cost you ANNUALLY to have those beautiful nails?

Now let’s go with the lower cost – 20.00 (average in the Tampa Bay Market for a basic fill).

There are 52 weeks in the year, so if you are getting them done every other week – cut that in half.

So now you have $20.00 x 26 fills = You just spent $520.00 annually on your nails, if you were to only spend 20.00 and we all know – you never just spend the $20.00 unless you absolutely have to.

That is an incredible amount of money on nails.  This is how I survive on minimal income.  I translate everything into annual costing – and I make my decisions based on those numbers.  Of course this is easier when you have no money, than when you do have have money.  If that is the case, you will need discipline as well, but annual calculations will assist by making you more inclined to cut off unnecessary expenses.

 

Happy Budgeting Bitches.

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Naked Beauty – Find Your Sexy – Self – Love

The title means exactly what you think it means.  Yes ladies, I am talking about feeling beautiful when you are naked.  The moment a lot of women fear, self-hate is a norm for us, but I am here to explain to you how I fixed that – and easily too.

No, I am not going to go into the working out, and all that.  I mean in reality – you guys know working out – eating healthy – creates healthy mindsets – I don’t need to be the one to tell you that, I am here to tell you that selfies can cure your self-hate image of yourself, or at the very least help some.

For me, up until my life become a solo mission – I had self-image issues.  Every insecurity you could think of – fear of mirrors, no photo please –  kind of personality.  Well now, not so much, now I am like ooo hey girl hey, to myself.  And I did that by playing dress up in some sexy stuff.

OMG I know I sound like I am 5.  Here is the thing – IDC.  I went and bought some sexy stuff.  I mean some pretty sexy stuff.  Stuff that I thought was cute – and since I am on a solo mission – trying to find things that fit a man’s vision isn’t a concern for me.  I buy it for me.  I then took these items home, and try them on.  In front of a mirror.  I take some videos, snap a few pics, then sit back and look at all that glory God has bestowed upon me.

The first time it was hard.  I could see every dimple in my thighs, I could see that my waist was so wide, that my ass looked flat from the backside.  There were all these imperfections, but then I noticed something, when I stopped looking at all the little imperfections, and I looked at myself as whole person – I didn’t look bad at all.  Like dam girl where you been my whole life?

Yea I know cocky right?  I don’t care.  Cocky sure the hell beats depression.

Now it takes some time.  And this is something I still do to this day.  Since my body has been changing from losing the weight – I am discovering a whole new body.  Even without the weight loss though – I was/am discovering my naked beauty.

My most vulnerable stage, and I am presenting it to myself.  It is a honesty thing.  Acceptance thing.  This is me, and I am beautiful.

I am undoing what has been told to me for many many years.

I mean after all – why in the hell do we allow someone else’s voice carry more value than our own?

No one knows the inner you – more than you – stop giving people that much authority over your thoughts and emotions.  Your voice is stronger than theirs, and your voice will be heard more by you than theirs.

I would like to challenge all my friends to do the same.  Find your sexy – within you – by you.  Build your confidence.  Make is solid – then it can never be shattered.

Flaunt your fabulous 🙂

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Why Do We Stay In Dead End Relationships?

Probably for the same reason we stay in dead end jobs.  Partly because we are lazy, and partly because it is comfortable.  I speak from experience.  I mean how many times does a man need to screw up before I am like okay – you need to go?  Apparently quite a bit.

I have been trying to figure that question out for some time now.  Being alone – it takes work.  I mean sleeping alone in itself can be scary.  Not to mention the feeling of abandonment when your used to your phone being blown up day in and day out.

We stay hopeful too.  Like oh, he made a mistake, but he is going to change.  And then as women we feel like we are raising this boy into a man – so we feel accomplished.  What I have realized though – is when you have to be the boy’s momma – he will always make mistakes – and you will always be left cleaning up the mess.

How many times have you been disrespected in any capacity – and yet stayed – and have you ever asked yourself why?

I have come to know my reasons, and I will be candid.

First off – I like comfortable.  From everything in life to my jammies to my relationship.  I want a man to fit my lifestyle like a glove, don’t complicate shit for me – it will irritate me.

Secondly I never felt like I deserved more than what was in front of me.  OMG I know, but hey self-realization is hard – but when you become honest with yourself – your life starts to come together.

Third – I am lazy – I would rather comfortable and knowing that the person in front of me is an ass hole over the next one that I don’t know – and I don’t know what they bring to the table – cause God knows the other switch outs didn’t play too good in my favor in the past.

Fourth – loneliness used to scare the shit out of me.  Now I rather enjoy it – and often find that now it takes more work to be social than to be alone.  This one is the hardest. Often times, we as women, we don’t give ourselves enough credit.  I guess maybe from the teachings of Adam and Eve, we as women feel like we need a man to thrive, to survive, but I am here to tell you – I have been alone for the past 2 years – and it has been the hardest, most rewarding 2 years of my life.  Learning to be alone – you realize how to love yourself.

Now the benefit to the 4th, is that when you are left alone, on your own, you learn your true strengths, and with that – the other 3 get cancelled out.

Being alone isn’t for the weak – cause God knows there would be times to where I didn’t feel like I could go on any longer alone, but you stay with your grind, and you figure shit out.  The fear that I have now is that I am so happy in my own little world that I won’t let a man be a part of it hahahaha – they have a tendency to ruin things for me. Hahaha.

Relationships take work – but I have to tell all you beautiful bitches a secret.

People only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Yea you heard me.  PEOPLE ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

Repeat it again PEOPLE ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO

Speak up for yourself .  USE YOUR WORDS.  Express your feelings, we need to work on our own communication skills before we can expect our spouses to do the same.

We have become a society in which we are in constant need of fixing other people’s life – we don’t realize our own life needs some fixing.

Start with YOU, cause I promise in your quest to repair yourself – people filter themselves out naturally!!!!!!

Have a fabulous day my friends.IMG_20180919_201935_891

 

 

 

 

My Turmoil Over The Truth – The Deeper Side

Yes, for me, there is turmoil over the truth.

You see, I am very much a truth seeker.  And not just in the relationship sector of my life, in just about any aspect of my life.  I mean I can read an article, and if it sounds a little off, I am verifying, and researching.  I mean, part of that is why I am good at my regular job.  I am incredibly analytical, and that ladies and gents is a huge issue in relationships.

Most of my jobs have surrounded around finding errors, or missing links between data.  Now I am not saying that I don’t make mistakes, I am human, and often times when typing – I am thinking so fast – that sometimes I miss words, or I may have a grammar error from time to time.  I have a fast paced life, along with a phone that is on its last leg – with plenty of broken glass that I take a risk my life on every time I am on it.  Hey times are tough, and really I am able to accomplish the things I need to, so all is well for now.

Now take that error finding personality and apply that to your home.  Now if honesty and integrity in relationships was still a valid thing, then this probably wouldn’t be an issue; however, I become almost a challenge to a man.  And we all know how men love a challenge.  Like, hmm, she good – let’s see how good, let me see what I can actually get away with before she catches on.

Well not very far.  You see, when a women tells you she is analytical – pay attention to that – because that means that by nature, even if she seems like she isn’t paying attention, she is.   This translates to knowing your schedule/ routine, and close to the minute.

Well you might be thinking – well okay – most people do.  Yea – well do you know many minutes your spouse’s shower is,or how long it takes them to cook breakfast? Basically being able to walk through their life in my own eyes, but for me, it translates to numbers.

I don’t even do it intentionally – and it isn’t immediate or overnight – it is the repetition of events that stick to my brain.  It isn’t like I am calculating either, but certain things correlate for me.  For example, if you listen to music in the shower, you listen to 3 songs, depending on the type of music – typically you can expect most songs to be between 3.5 to 5 minutes in length, so typically you can expect your shower to be between 10.5 to 15 minutes in length.  It’s the correlation that makes markers in my brain.

To further that, when people speak to me, my brain is in auto pilot and draws out a picture in my head of the events taking place, and typically can pick out errors in stories.  I don’t know – it is verbal connectivity.  I love it for work purposes – and hate it when it comes to my own personal life.

Yea – I said that – because sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Maybe if I was living in a world where deception wasn’t the new truth – then yea it wouldn’t be an issue.  And like I get it.  There is so many outlets available to people to pursue infidelity.  Everyone promising everyone to be better than the last one – but really – it is the chase people love.  Not saying there aren’t people out there that find the “one” and live happily ever after – I am just saying there is a group of us in which this is our reality.

I am not being bitter either.  How many of you would HONESTLY hand their spouse their phone, and have no concerns what so ever?  And I mean complete transparency too? No deleting.  If your spouse had access to your data files, and was able to sift through ever since piece of your life on that phone, would you have concerns?

I don’t believe in privacy in a relationship.  Yea – yea I know – OMG.  How horrible.  Say what you want – but if a man is going to be laying next to me, and inside of my body – well then there is no privacy.  Sorry not sorry.  Not off the bat – but if I am in a long term committed relationship (which is often when this starts happening), then yea.  You start acting shady – what’s up – what you doing?

You want privacy with your phone – I am gonna need some privacy with this p*****.  I know sounds bitchy – but hey – whatever – it’s my life, and honestly – if you value that phone and what is in it – over your relationship, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

When you are in your twenties you concern yourself with relationships, by the time you get to be my age – late 30s – you just want honesty and security.  My pursuit of happiness now most definitely does not include a relationship.  I am completely emotionally disconnected from the male population too.  Any advances are often not noticed, and even with they are noticed – I promptly reject the idea.  Not today Satan.  I am not joking either – I have no intention nor want the distraction or frustration that comes with dating.  I am not ready – and I don’t have to be.

I want the type of relationship that includes honestly.  I want a best friend.  Your spouse is the only one that should know the deeper side of you (in all ways hahahahaha).

Have a great week 🙂

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Complete Savage – The Tomboy Tales

Machete Moves

And yes I can say that because I work hard to be, so let’s argue?? Hahahaha. When I say I never shy away from hard work – I absolutely mean it – especially if my mother needs help.  Last weekend – she was working in the yard – and came across something that sent her to the emergency room via ambulance.  A terrifying situation when I am at home – and I get a call from my child saying that my mother had passed out at her job.  My mom was there picking Katie up for work, and by the grace of God – her and her co-workers acted promptly – EMTs were fast – and all is well.  Well we aren’t quite sure what exactly happened – but as an over protective over bearing daughter – yea baby girl coming Momma – I’m gonna go handle that shit.  Like how terrifying – and I would like to add, October 9 is right around the corner – the day my Dad passed back in 04.  Yeah – I ain’t having that shit over a plant or bug – it all gets trimmed back – cleaned up – and a lot sure the hell went.

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My Mother, and my daughter – these, these are my people, and I know how precious time is.  When you lose a parent it just changes you.  Changes your perspective and I am not going to go into it, but those who know know, you get it, and I don’t think that really even needs to be explained.

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I would like to give you another factsies about me.  I am a Taurus.  Yea – hahahaha.  My daughter – LEO, my mum – VIRGO.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – Those who are into the Zodiac get that reference, those of you that don’t, let me break it down.

Virgo – incredibly critical

Leo – incredibly dominating

Taurus – incredibly stubborn

Yea we argue.  And what?  We say what we mean – and mean what we say – we sure the hell don’t sugar coat shit except these cakes, and we are are all very possessive over each other.

I don’t mean a little.  I mean a lot.  I have the worst of the 3 in regards to temper, and  also the loudest.  My  daughter just loves us for us – me and my mom a little off the chain – but Katie finds us incredibly amusing – so she loves to hang out with us.  And honestly we all LOVE TO FKNG LAUGH and WE ALL FUNNY – maybe not for anyone else – but we find each other hilarious.  We make the best out of life – and even when we work hard – 20180929_153417like why bitch – or complain – make it fun – like a game.  It isn’t the work your doing that makes you an ass while you doing it – it’s your perspective. Like if got shit you got to do – then buckle it up bitches – and make it fun – cause it’s got to get done either dam way.

 

Now you might be thinking to yourself it’s just a little yard work, not quite so much.  You see – I don’t know what is in my mother’s yard  – so like it’s time for a good good trim down.  I wanted to burn the fence – and even got the lighter fluid out – cause burn baby burn – a controlled burn of course.  Momma shot down that idea – despite already telling her I was bringing it – but it was dry out today – and I know she still wants to keep some of the plants, so chop chop bitches. Looks easy enough right?

Momma first brought out the some clippers, but then she came back out and brought my Daddy’s machete. This particular machete – was also my Papa’s.  It meant the world that she brought it to me to use – and talk about nostalgia.  I spent 6 hours in my mom’s yard trimming, cutting, butchering a variety of different bushes.

My mom has lived on her own since my dad has passed.  She has been completely self – sufficient; however right now – my Mom is experiencing some pretty bad knee pain due to an old injury, and her RA (rheaumatoid arthritis).  RA is incredibly painful, and yet my 60 year old beautiful momma still goes to work 5 days a week – standing on her feet to serve a lot of those beautiful babies out there in the Hills their breakfasts and lunches, I give it to those ladies too.  Dead on their feet all day.  Anyways, she also does the grandma thing too – games, events, church.  She is just a little busy bee.   Lately she has been struggling to do those things because of her knee – but she still pushes through, each and every day.  She really is the one who deserves the savage title, cause really she is the savage.  She is one of the most loving and caring people too – and she is just absolutely amazing.  I mean we learn from those around us.

Now here is the thing – my dad – he was strong – big – teddy bear – but he handled what ever needed handled – and was a manly man – so he loved to show his manly side for Mom.  She asked him to tear something down – and he would – and he loved do that – cause he loved her – and she loved him.  Plus my Dad was kind of a big, tough man, but his hands protected his family – and to be honest – my Dad was a fighter. Not with Mum, like with the random young punk thinking they can bo up at him, till you realize his fat ass would chance your ass down the road – cause yea he might be big – but we worked in the swamps – he had endurance – hahahaha.

So without my Dad around – my mom is left with me and my brother and the grandbabies to pitch in and help when needed.  The thing with Mom though – she never asks – and will often get offended when you even attempt to help – cause you will hear her say “I got it” – we know Mommmm.

Right now between her knee, and whatever plant or bug is in her yard – she is on Mom watch until further notice.  Luckily my daughter is there to watch over her when she can.  My mom has no choice right now to let me us help her because like that is just too scary – and we aren’t letting her – and she knows I will call her older sister if she don’t listen.  Which I have to say – I really wish I would have realized threatening my mom with her older siblings could be used as leverage earlier in life  – so many arguments that could have been resolved with “I”m calling your sister”.

I was also like to add – I live in Florida – yea yard work in Florida – in September, yea – haha – I know – but I don’t mind it.  I mean, we live in Florida – it is hot – but like we live here – so you adapt – drink lots of fluids – and hope for the best.

It was 93 out today, but it was a beautiful day – and honestly it brought back so many memories.  With every swing of the machete – and cutting back shrubs, it was just all very filling.  You see, benefit comes in hard work – and sometimes those benefits aren’t financial.  I had a GREAT day – busting my ass – and doing what we should be doing for our families.

The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing

The Hidden Truth about My Mental Illness & How I Am Healing Relationship Redemption Roundscreenshot_2018-08-22-06-50-12-1

Mental illness is something few wish to discuss, especially me considering in my younger years I would be incredibly private about my flaws.  I mean who isn’t. I guess I am at peace or in recovery stage so I am feeling up to discuss it. I discussed how my life was in fast forward in a previous post. There was so much that happened in my second marriage that I do not care to dwell or discuss, but there are a few things that I would like to, especially considering we are about to go into Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  And I am not going to bash or say bad things about my ex husband, because, he as well has his own mental illness he copes with. I do not excuse his behavior, but over the years – I started to understand why he was the way he was, and let’s be honest, I, as well have done some crazy ass shit so like I get it.

 

Sometimes life itself bears so much weight on our shoulders to where we feel like we are going to explode, well I felt that  for a very very long time. A ticking time bomb if you will. All that pressure, being a wife, a mother, an employee, a college student, the ceo, cfo, maid and the janitor of your own home.  The taxi driver, the birthday party make it happen with no money budget boss, school clothes getting, grocery getting, bill paying boss. I mean we freaking do it all right, like when do we breathe?  And don’t get it twisted, even with the in/out husband – I rarely had help with bills, he was more of the take you out to dinner once a week – and the rest went on where ever he was the night before. But again he had a flex schedule so he was able to take the kid to school.  Teamwork right?

 

So in the midst of all of that when do we breathe?  When do we have time to actually deal with any type of emotion or thought?  Well we don’t because we don’t have time and we forget to. You just take your licks, and you keep going, even though your heart feels like it is going to pop out of your chest before you even got your first cup of coffee in or the child to school, because you are running 15 minutes behind, and you promised your child you would braid her hair, and it’s raining, so traffic is going to suck, and it’s meeting day, and you already feel out of your league kind of morning, but you can’t breathe cause you got’s to go.  So you push through, to the school, to your job, to the school, to the rec center, go grab groceries while she is at practice, pick her up, take her home, homework, shower, practice, read, SNUGGLES. Sleep. Up. Repeat. This is our life. This is what we do. The weekends consist of repair the undone from the week. Laundry, the dishes scattered, scrub house down, mop on Saturday. Sunday comes and it is prep work for the week. Weekly groceries, rest of laundry you failed to do on Saturday because you got to watching a movie with bug because you as well, love Disney, so SNUGGGGLLLLESSSS.  Then it’s lunch prep, clothes prep, spend some time, and whatever else you have to do to prep for the week, and then catch another movie with bug cause SUNDAY SNUGGGLLLESSSS. YES I USE THAT HASHTAG ON IG FREQUENT, I STILL GET SNUGGLES FROM HER FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN SHE COMES AND VISITS. If your kids aren’t grown yet – you might not understand, but I do suggest daily snuggles. Lots of hugs, lots of jokes, and lots of ice cream, those things make kids happy, let your kids be happy – you will find it makes you happy. FYI We still do this. Yea say what you want cause we don’ts care! Come Saturday I get to see her and my momma, and Imma get me some snuggles from both, especially since my momma wanted to go to the emergency room last weekend via ambulance.  (I did warn you about this bouncy story stuff, just keep up – I know you can do it) BOTTOM LINE SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS GET OFF YOUR PHONES IPOD IPAD TABLET cause you will have plenty of time for that when they decide to be grown and leave you all alone with just the dog for company. YES I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. That is how I find the time now to do all this stuff and work. I miss having her here. A little more into that – we don’t really watch tv. We always did arts/ crafts/ dancing/ singing. We only watched movies. We didn’t have cable, so naturally. So at night time we would typically watch a movie maybe, sometimes none, just depended on what we were doing, but most of the time we were doing things like riding bikes, or hiking in the woods, have You Say When, etc.  Like typical things, we spent time together. To be honest for as poor as we were, she did get to experience a lot, and part of that was thanks to my ex husbands family. Yea our marriage was a complete disaster, but I did love his family. They came with trips to condos, and family outings, and it was about the only times that my husband and I could somewhat maintain a conversation without wanting to kill each other. We are completely volatile toward each other. So in these moments that we are doing family things, my daughter had a family, so you just dealt.

 

The words eventually don’t even hurt, you become numb, it’s just whatever at a point, because God knows it always progresses.  One minute it’s like you crying over a text, then a busted lip, then being in the hospital – you see progressive – and it happens like overnight.  You barely have time to deal with the one thing they do, before bam there is something worse, so now you are saying well the last thing wasn’t that bad – let’s deal with this – then bam – a new something worse.  Never any time to even really think about what is going on – to even realize like HEY STUPID DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GOING THROUGH HELLLOOOO. Nah cause you ain’t got time to hear that shit – you got to get the kid to the doctor’s and get to work, then you have class, and you only had 3 hours of sleep cause you was up arguing cause you mad, and he gonna change, and you feel like this time he done messed up so bad he had no choice but to change.  Yea girl how did that work out? Ha, that is that honeymoon phase all hear about.

 

So anyways.  Let’s get back to mental illness.  So with dealing with all of that – that fast paced chest – doctor’s call that anxiety.  Ha! Ya, since 1981. My overachieving but never accomplishing anything ass. Never feeling good enough, creates this anxiousness within myself, and that ladies and gentleman gets worse when you have a negative Nancy in your ear telling you all the reasons why you aren’t good enough.  Using physical attributes to shut down any type of positivity. Come out the room looking hella cute – just not his kind of hella cute. I would try to show him the goods, and he would be like – have you noticed that your thighs have even more dimples. Wow thanks ass.

 

So yea – you get torn down, and you just say screw it this is life, and you just let go – and let it become you.  This is your life, you make the best of it, and you are married, and through thick or thin right, and nah screw that.  If it is bad, and violent – gtfo NOW.

 

Now another thing you will have to also understand – he often disappeared.  He chose to live the free life of come and go as you please – there are lots of bars along the way, and we often split, multiple times,  A YEAR. The splits would get longer in between – but often would end up back because like family, and I was out there alone, I was getting close to losing my job because place wouldn’t open till 630, had to be there at 8, traffic would also be just like whoa, and you don’t leave the school till close to 7 by the time they open the gate, turn the lights on, open the doors, walk your kid to the far back of the school, cause that is where the library is, and walk back to your car.  Your starting to run late – and your boss has already talked to you – and your husband works construction – so he can do whatever he wants really – he knew his shit on the job – so he always had some play on his schedule – and for a time even ran his own little thing. And I would also like to add – although him and I were not good – he did an okay job playing dad from time to time. That was early morning during the weekdays when he had to limit his hangout times because of work hahaha.  He would often do things with her – and they often had a great time together. I mean he is an ass – but he did love her.

 

So anyways, this anxiety – this pressure, this is my illness.  I still have it to this day, but not near as bad as it used to be.  You see all the pressure from life, then having the pressure within the home.  The fear of expression, whether it be with words, art, creativity, ideas, thoughts, that is what caused my mental illness to be so bad.  

 

Not only are some people programmed to be incredibly critical – society as a whole – we are critical.  We often feel compressed, minimized because what we have to say, or what we have to express, it might not fit in the confines of what the next person might agree with.  And we are judged, characterized, and forever remembered by one single action or idea, to be followed with bashing and hate. And we do it to each other, it is not one over the other, we all do this.  We bitch about being judged, and with the next breath judge the next.

 

I still suffer from it – because we all have things that we worry about – the difference is – I am able to be expressive now, and that is part of the healing.  The walking, the writing, Marley (my labrabull), all these things are my healing blocks.

 

We need to as a whole, stop with that.  Now I am NOT SAYING KEEP SOME DUMBASS IN YOUR LIFE.  What I am saying is that when you are with someone – allow them the freedom to be themselves, so that you can also be yourself.  That way no one feels confined in the relationship so you can find happiness. Some people will have to go through the single route to find it like myself – because there was only his way, and I refuse for it to be that way.  It should be a path drawn by both for both, so that both can enjoy this life.

 

Release some of those shaken soda cans – and breathe, express, create, be YOU – the ones that are left are the ones that get to see the sparkle and shine when you are done making your masterpiece.  Let’s work on learning love, acceptance, and discovery. Hell you never know – maybe the things your husband/or wife enjoys outside of y’alls phones might get ya closer. Some of us will have to even figure out what we even like to do (this is me hahaha).

 

Till next time you beautiful brains 🙂

Do We Ever Really Find the “One”

Love like what the hell does it even mean?

We understand it when it comes to the people we are born into.  Our mother’s, father’s, children.  That type of love – although challenging sometimes – you typically do not have to question that love.

But what about a mate in life?  Do we really ever find the “one”?

I really don’t know the answer to that question, but what I do know – is that maybe we need to stop seeking the one and become the “one”.

I will have to elaborate on that cause at this point, you are probably looking at yourself and thinking – dam girl – I am the “one”.  But are you?  How honest are you in your current relationship?  Do you expect honesty yet not give it?  Do you continue to seek a “better” lover because you “deserve” one?  Let’s be real people!  Are you candid with your loved ones?  Do you express your feelings?  Do you even know who YOU are?  I mean really DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

Having a relationship will not validate you as a person.  Self discovery is hard, but one of the most rewarding and satisfying things you could ever accomplish.  Most of my life was spent dedicated to the needs of others – and now I am discovering my own needs, my own desires.

My insecurities are always heightened in a relationship.  But do you know why?  Because I was always the chameleon in the relationship.  Bending and turning to accommodate the needs of the men I wanted to be with.  Like look at me – I am perfect for you.  But that is fake.  Things that we do to “impress” a mate are really just a deceptive way for us chameleons to get the mate they want – then wonder why we aren’t happy.  Well dumb ass we aren’t happy because we are doing what THEY want and not what I want.

And y’all know what I am talking about too.  In the dating scene we all have a tendency to pretend to be something we are not to impress the date, and even modifier our normal behaviors because it is a date.

I, as well, am guilty of this, but no more.  Moving forward any dates will be conducted with 100% raw and unedited me, because that is who I am – the true me – and that is the one I want the next one to fall in love with.  Not the edited, and cleaned version.

I found true love.

True, unconditional love.

Within myself. img_20180515_103334_991

 

WTF Am I doing With My Life

Wtf Am I doing With my Life?

Well honestly – I have no dam idea.

The thing you have to understand is that my life for 18 years was focused on being a mother – and trying to figure out how to manage to put food on the table every night.

My life was in fast forward for 18 years – and I was in and out of bad relationships the entire time.

I am discovering who I am.  I had my daughter young – 18 – including marrying her father, then after that marriage failed – married an abusive man.  The men in my life were barely ever around.  So as far as taking care of my child, and my home – that was left on me – and shit was hard.

Right now – a lot of that stress has been lifted.  Yes, still financially struggling – but we are all.  Not having a negative voice in my ear over the past few years has allowed me the opportunity to really be able to take my ideas, and my thoughts and express them in ways I would have never been able to do before for fear of those negative words cutting my thoughts and ideas down as though they were dumb.  My insecurities are going away – and I am discovering I’m actually a badass.

And that ladies and gentlemen is amazing.

So please excuse me while I figure me out.

Currently I’m under construction.

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