There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin. I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.
So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger. 423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6). I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner. I didn’t. I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.
Let’s go back to the begining. 2010. The year I had lap-band surgery. It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off. Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months. The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals). I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do. The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed. Now of course, I say that now.
Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later. A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.
Now here is some real shit. The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month. Now that sounds great. 31 and no more periods. Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight???? I sure the hell didn’t. I mean I got the basics. Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.
Guess when you find this out? After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier. According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc. They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!
I am not joking either. I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier. I was devastated. Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition. 40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds? Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down? How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for. So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further, I decided to hit the gym. It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.
I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point. Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life. I wanted better days. I wanted to wake up and not be in pain. I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself. So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid. I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess?? Well I didn’t. Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours. It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my kid was the one that paid the price. She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything. Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies. I wanted to give it to her. I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol. I just couldn’t. All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms? This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are. You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS. Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”. BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT
So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues. They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.
Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital. YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby. Found out I had developed gastroparesis. Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***
Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong. You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds. You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS. Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through. Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits. Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.
Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down. I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!
I gave up. I really did. Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty. (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)
I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life. And really, was that so bad? I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned. At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.
The thing is – the misery never leaves. Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.
I wasn’t happy. I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things. I was ashamed of my body. I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me. What I had become.
There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens. I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it. She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative. She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it. My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.
I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year. There are quite a few years there. Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing. I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop. Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight. Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it. After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be. I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.
Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed. I grew tired of trying anymore. It got me thinking to. I was failing because I gave up to easily. I never stuck with it. Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground. Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it. Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.
The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface. What is the one thing we preach to our children? Don’t give up! So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal. She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout. Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard. I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be. I am not my weight.
I will not settle. I will not stop. I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.
Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.