In today’s market – I am just over the dating scene. Like level up guys cause y’all really slacking.
In today’s market – I am just over the dating scene. Like level up guys cause y’all really slacking.
Dating today is really difficult. Men expect quite a bit from a woman, and commitment seems to lack. I mean real commitment – not just committed while you in front of me, while you behind my back too. If you are in a committed relationship – then privacy is out the window. Have some dam integrity and be 100% in your relationship – other wise you’re just a waste of space. Stop hurting people because you have relationship attention deficit disorder.
I have trust issues. Deal with it – or just sit the hell down.
When you have been lied to and cheated on for most of your adult life – those little games men try to play with me – doesn’t work.
I need a real man that stands on his own – that has more going for his life than just who is in his DMs.
My rant can be found on youtube the link is below.
There is adult humor to it – so if I offend you – sorry.
Get out my face hahahaha
Actual picture of my daughter from 17 years ago hahahaha.
As most of my friends know – I was a victim of domestic violence for roughly 10 years. This is my story.
Next Month is Domestic Violence Awareness.
There is life after them.
Please give my video a try – and share.
It might help give hope to some who feel hopeless.
I have been free for sometime now – and recovery is hard – but it can be done.
I average anywhere from 5-6 hours of sleep a night. I get freaking tired. I love me some dam coffee. Doesn’t matter what part of the day. All day – every day. I typically have to discipline myself to stick to only having it in the morning.
But like I had to go get my rent money – and Wawa was smelling some type of good with their coffee brewing asses. I walk in – with just the intention of getting my money out their free ATM – and I walk in the door – and it smells like fresh brew. Ass holes. I mean I got the sugar free coffee – but the carb content even in the little one is still higher than I would have liked – but like it’s coffee. I deserved it – I have peddled and waddled my fat ass through 146 miles this month.
I enjoyed every dam sip of it too.
There’s so much to discuss and yet, just like always I never know where to begin. I would like to touch base on my fitness adventures, weight loss, and being fat.
So if you are following me on Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler, Youtube, Facebook then you know that I used to be a LOT bigger. 423 pounds to be exact (current weight is 201.6). I look through my feed, and I see all these amazing people who went with guns blazing and lost their weight all in a consecutive manner. I didn’t. I can’t tell you how many times I would lose the same weight over and over and over.
Let’s go back to the begining. 2010. The year I had lap-band surgery. It went great – the first year OMG the weight just dropped off. Now keep in mind, I also didn’t eat foods for roughly around 6 months. The pre and post-diet for the surgery had me drinking shakes from HMR (available at the bariatrics center of most hospitals). I didn’t mind the shakes, and to be honest – I preferred those over ALL the other shakes I had ever tried. I worked out – followed my diet and did all I was supposed to do. The thing I had realized – much after it was too late, that if I would have had more self-control over what I put in my mouth, then the surgery wouldn’t have been needed. Now of course, I say that now.
Now that I have gastroparesis, which we will get into more later. A year after the installation of my lapband – I had to have a hysterectomy followed by having to have the lap-band itself removed.
Now here is some real shit. The hysterectomy – which wasn’t really optional included the removal of those little girls that cause misery each month. Now that sounds great. 31 and no more periods. Hahahahaha – DID YOU FKNG KNOW THAT WITHOUT THAT LITTLE PAINS IN THE ASS that you no longer produce hormones. Yea – like I get it – they are hormone producers – but did you know that they affect your weight???? I sure the hell didn’t. I mean I got the basics. Like I know what ovaries do, and all that – but never imagined that they played a significant role in weight loss and/ or weight gain.
Guess when you find this out? After those girls are gone because you wake up in the hospital 40 pounds heavier. According to the doctors – this was just fluid, and surgical weight gain from swelling, etc. They were full of crap – cause that weight never went anywhere!
I am not joking either. I went into the hospital at 250 pounds, after losing a whole person, and came out 40 pounds heavier. I was devastated. Not only did I lose any chance of giving birth to a child, ever again, but after a year of busting ass in the gym – in the matter of days – all the work I had put forth has been ravaged by a medical condition. 40 pounds compared to what I had loss didn’t seem so bad – but you see – the smaller you get – the harder it is to lose, and a 40 pound increase is significant. Do you know how hard it is to loose 40 pounds? Do you know how many Reese Cups I turned down? How many mornings I would get up at 3 a.m. to hit the gym? That 40 pounds was a setback I wasn’t mentally prepared for. So, once I recovered from being filleted like a fish, from side to side, and put on an additional 20 pounds from shoving pizza and donuts down my mouth to deal with the fact that I just lost my baby maker and set myself back even further, I decided to hit the gym. It took some time before I had realized that the hysterectomy did so much more to my body – that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.
I hit the gym for hours, diet restrictions on point. Took everything I had learned from the classes at the hospital and continued down my journey, determined that this was not going to be my life. I wanted better days. I wanted to wake up and not be in pain. I wanted to go clothes shopping with my daughter and actually enjoy it, instead of rushing her out of stores because I was so ashamed of myself. So many wasted shopping trips, and I know, as a mother it was always such a disappointment for my kid. I mean what women doesn’t enjoy clothes shopping with her princess?? Well I didn’t. Not only did we not really have the money – but even when we did – I never wanted to play dress up – and try on outfits for hours. It just did something emotionally to me, and I know my kid was the one that paid the price. She LOOOVVESS shopping, even if she didn’t get to buy anything. Just the dress up and enjoy the day together, you know like in the movies. I wanted to give it to her. I wanted to laugh and enjoy playing dress up at shops that we could never afford anyways lol. I just couldn’t. All the things I know she loved, but things that just made me sick to even try. You know what is in dressing rooms? This full body reflective shit that shows you exactly how big you are. You know what I am talking a about! MIRRORS. Mirrors always made me sad on the inside, even though I “had a pretty face”. BTW STOP SAYING THAT TO FAT PEOPLE WE FKNG HATE IT
So, some time goes by and all the sudden I start to have some pretty serious stomach issues. They deflated my lap-band in the assumption that it was too tight.
Well a week had went by – and all the sudden – I wasn’t able to drink, eat, and my stomach was distended far enough out to where the intake nurse at the hospital asked if I was in labor when arriving to the hospital. YEA bih – immaculate conception with what apparently was a water baby. Found out I had developed gastroparesis. Oh YAY another medical condition that directly relates to how you lose weight – how you eat, etc. So now, not only do I not have my precious little hormones, but now my stomach doesn’t work????? WHAT THE BLOODY H***
Now, most people would assume that weight loss goes hand in hand with gastroparesis – but you wouldn’t be more wrong. You see healthy, fibrous foods legitimately tear my stomach to shreds. You know what doesn’t??? PASTA AND BREADS. Like always pasta and breads are right there to carry me through. Talk about a back step into unhealthy habits. Oh yea – these shoes are comfy, let me lace these bitches up and take pasta on a whole new adventure.
Oh don’t set there and judge me – we ALL know how easy it is to step back into unhealthy habits, especially when every attempt at the goal was being shut down. I mean a 40lb set back, followed with BTW your stomach don’t work anymore. Great thanks!
I gave up. I really did. Maybe I was just meant to be a fabulous 300 pound hefty. (I was a least doing what I could to stay under 300 pounds, still happy I was no longer at 423)
I mean I worked out – stayed active – but the scale just never went below 250. It was like I was destined to be a fatass my entire life. And really, was that so bad? I mean why should I have to lack sleep, feel hungry, and unsatisfied no matter which way I turned. At least with being accepting of my body – I wouldn’t pressure myself so much and I could actually enjoy the foods I was eating.
The thing is – the misery never leaves. Even when you accept yourself – if you aren’t happy with yourself – internally – then it will eventually take over your soul until you do something about it.
I wasn’t happy. I HATED grocery shopping, clothes shopping, going to restruarants, anything that involved food, or body things. I was ashamed of my body. I felt like I looked lazy – even though I was always so active. Even though most people didn’t even know I existed, in the back of my mind I just felt like everyone was staring at me. What I had become.
There is a part of the story that you are missing – my child is an adult now, who at the time was in her teens. I raised a body positive daughter – who always believed I was beautiful – and like mean it. She would snap on any one who made comments or said anything negative. She would constantly tell me I was beautiful, no matter my size – and you can tell she just meant it. My daughter is absolutely beautiful. I always boosted her ego – cause the world – it can be mean – so I built her up at home – so that no matter what was said to her throughout the day – she knew she was so much more – because her momma said so – but the beautiful thing is – she recited that to me – and that is where my real transformation began.
I battled back and forth, tettering my weight between 250 and 300 till November of last year. There are quite a few years there. Six years of falling off of diet regimens, excercise routines consistently cause God nothing was changing. I would loose 10- 15 pounds and dead stop. Increasing workouts – reducing calories, and yet still wouldn’t loose anymore than what was probably water weight. Well after weeks into it, and you don’t see results, your like f*** this, it isn’t worth it. After a while you really begin to think this is what my life is destined to be. I mean there was so much greatness, in regards to my daughter, but internally I was battling a self image issue that was tearing my soul apart.
Six years I tried, failed, tried, accepted, tried, failed. I grew tired of trying anymore. It got me thinking to. I was failing because I gave up to easily. I never stuck with it. Never even really give the diets a real fighting chance, cause at the end of the day – that cookie you snuck in killed 20 minutes of stair climbing that almost put you on the ground. Self destructive behavior – and blaming everything but myself on it. Don’t act like you never ate a kitkat late at night cause you hangry, then turn around and be mad at the scale like what the hell little no moving b****.
The thing is, the older my daughter got – more of the things I instilled in her were starting to surface. What is the one thing we preach to our children? Don’t give up! So what the hell am I doing over here giving up so much, especially when she suffers the most out of this ordeal. She was the one that I would carry into Lifestyle fitness, curled up in a blanket so she could finish getting her rest before I rushed her to school after my workout. Yea, your kids are there with you – seeing the struggle – seeing the pain – and also seeing you give up because it becomes to hard. I needed to practice what I was preaching – and do what I set out to do so many years ago, after all, my daughter, a beautiful woman, believes in me and I intend to prove to her that when you put foot to ass you can change, you can become what you what to be. I am not my weight.
I will not settle. I will not stop. I will prove to her that when you put your mind to something – and work hard – you will achieve your goals.
Follow for my next blog post to see what I have done differently to finally get where I am now, and how this year has been different than all other years.
I am sitting out back on my porch after uploading a lyric video blah blah blah, anyways – I caught a glimpse of my flabby arms in the video. I’ll be completely honest at first I was going to delete and redo, but then I was like hell nah – it took like 5 times starting and stopping cause of my playful pups, like I am NOT doing this again hahahaha. BTW side note, I give props to people who do videos, Idk if I’m just lazy or very unfamiliar with how to do all this stuff, or hell if I’m even doing it right. The shit is hard, and yall be looking good and I look fresh out Zephyrhills. Makes sense considering that is where I am from. Y’all Zephyrhellians don’t be coming at me either – y’all know exacty what I am talking about – tank top and messy bun wearing asses. Hahaha – including me. Anyways, back to these here arms of mine. Although not completely comfortable in them quite yet – I know I worked hard for these bitches. Like hard.
What I find crazy though – is my obsession with my arms didn’t come until AFTER I started losing weight. To be honest – my fatter arms looked better in some aspects – because at least they were a firm fat if that makes sense. Now I got these things that be making noises at 4:30 in the dam morning when I am jogging. Yeah – that is cute – but like I run at 4:30 in the morning – most of this area in sleep mode so flap on flappers.
And you know something – most of what I have been told by doctors and fitness experts? That really – you can’t do nothing about it unless you have surgery. Yeah – cause those always played out great for me (if you don’t get that reference you can find it in my previous post about thinning hair).
So ya know what – I’m gonna embrace it – cause these arms – I am grateful for – cause they work hard – whether it holding onto a combined weight of around 100+ pounds of tugging pups in the morning or typing out these words at 120 wpm – they working hard to look that way – high five fatty flaps!
I know how gross a woman that doesn’t wash her hair but once every 7 to 8 days!! Hahaha – that was my first thought too when I came across an article while researching thinning hair.
Yep, I said thinning hair. You are probably thinking to yourself dam, she only 37 wth???
Well if you have read the blog about the surgeries I had undergone a few years ago – then you know I had a full abdominal hysterectomy. That sent me into menopause. YES MENOPAUSE. I was just getting into my early 30s when what didn’t seem so bad (no period) turned out to have several, very noticeable, reprocussions but again – the surgery wasn’t optional, so I guess this over the alternative was still a win. So what the hell does menopause have to do with hair? Well, apparently makes your dam hair thin out – to make you feel even older than you already feel because well sometimes life just can have it’s way with us because that’s just life. You deal and figure out ways to prevent or fix the issues that show up. Our bodies of ever-changing vessels, that is not the same one second to the next.
So here comes the research and configuration of the plan of attack cause I am NOT ABOUT THAT LIFE, NOT YET. I mean I know it is inevitable and sometimes it gets taken for medical reasons – and I know it grows back – blah blah blah. Here is the thing – my hair was the one part of my body that I took pride in. Mainly because it was the one part of my body that I wasn’t miserable with. I took pride in it – but I was always rough with my hair. Being in sports, and growing up with Agua Net and curling irons, well yea burn baby burn. Once I had become an adult – I wasn’t awful to my hair – but most of the time it was up in a tight bun. As a mother, I was running around between work, school, and kid, no time for hair care, other than the constant washing it.
I would also like to mention that not all hair products are created equal. I grew up washing my hair with Dawn, and Sauve. The Dawn for when we ran out of Sauve hahahaha. Hey even as an adult – I have never been shy to stock up with some Sauve. You gotta do what you gotta do to make it and some months it’s Pantene and some its Sauve. I am NOT talking about Sauve professionals either hahaha. Balance people, and that was always better than when we did without. Single momma y’all so be judgy all you want cause at the end of the day I know what a blessing is and so does my child.
I am not going to go into which product is better than which – cause that isn’t what this post is about. Just pay attention to what is in your shampoo and conditioner – and with what I am about to tell you – if you follow you will save money in both, so maybe you can spring to spend a little more since you will be using less. Everyone’s hair is different, so what worked for me, may not work for you. Although, I have found that it’s working for the women around me. When my daughter lived with me, she is now an adult and living on her own, we could easily go through a bottle of each a week. We both have long hair – and we are active – so we would wash our hair just about every day or every other day, but I would never make it past day 2 cause my hair would be so greasy. That is of course a great reminder that your hair is gross and needs to be washed. I have fine hair, and as people with fine hair know – looks like we poured baby oil on the top of our scalps on that 3rd day. And plus like I live in Florida. You don’t walk outside without being covered in sweat – so like ya kind of need to wash your hair every day, OR DO YOU?
So back to the thinning mane of mine. So one day, I am picking up my loving daughter from her father’s. A man I married at 18, he was 17, divorced 2 years into the marriage. We have a weird relationship. When our relationship ended, it ended, we never looked back. We both moved on, and all that. When we get around each other though – we kind of are mean to each other but playful. Always bluntly honest. I will call him Shrek and he will poke fun of my high forehead. Yea I have a big forehead hahaha. I was raised with boys – so our demeanor with each other is just reminiscent of childhood friends and nothing more. So anyways, I had to explain that because if I were tell that you that my baby daddy said I was going bald – you would be like wtf???? Hahaha – but he was right – and if anyone was going to say something it was always gonna be him or my kid – the only two people that would say it in a jokingly but loving manner. Well now of course the whole ride home I’m checking the rear view every chance I get – running my fingers through my hair – obsessing – so I finally look over at Kate and ask her. She says “Momma I didn’t want to be the one to tell you – but yea a little – like it isn’t bad – but it’s noticeable.”
Now here is the thing – I kind of already knew. My hair had been shedding more than usual, noticeable in the shower. Here is the thing though – I have long hair – down to my fat arse. Losing hair in the shower – it is a normal process. Like I shed hair just breathing so to see a little extra you figure it is just a stress related ordeal and you move on about your business until your baby and baby daddy wanna pop off the mouth with some true shit that got you all up in your feels about your life.
Well thank God this whole ordeal happened – because I went to the doctor and questioned him about my quick aging scalp. The explanation was quick and to the point. I was post menopausal – this is your new life.
So I went home – bought some Rogaine and sat in the bathroom for 2 hours crying. Then put my big girl panties on and started doing some research. I will be straight forward – Rogaine works, but it takes months. I didn’t like how it left my hair feeling, and I am a constant hair toucher, so I used it for a while off and on – which I am sure if you use as directed – works even better cause I was off and on with that more than my ex – and that was quite frequent hahhahaha.
Well I had went and got my hair trimmed at Walmart in Land O Lakes. Yea – judge IT IDC – Wal-mart got the goods. Single mom’s got to do in all in one trip. Cash the check, get them groceries, grab that dog food, get those school supplies, pick up some shoes, get that hair cut, grab you some Subway, get your kid’s eyes checked. And all you gotta do – throw the kid in the cart and go.
So here we are – and I am asking for a very specific 1/2 inch no more, and the hair dresser – asks me “do you wear your hair that tight all the time, did you know that is bad for your scalp?” Well no, no I fkng didn’t. Great. So not only is my body playing against me – but I am playing against it. If you live in Florida you would understand that it is hard to have long hair on your back, especially when it is sticking to the sweat on your love handles when your shirt lifts up. Most of the time, women with long hair only take it down when indoors for the night.
So this leads to a deep dive into my research project – looking high and low for all the dumb shit I am doing to my hair. One of the biggest things – WASHING IT TOO MUCH.
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT – SO HOW TF AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE THAT WORK IN FLORIDA, AND WITH MY LIFESTYLE?
I AIN’T WALKING AROUND WITH NO NASTY SMELLY HAIR.
Well I came across a few articles that dicussed a few different things that I tried. A lot of them I just couldn’t keep up with. There wasn’t enough “cleansing” involved for someone like me who works out most days. Well I finally came across an article about a gradual wash decrease. So I started with that, and incorporated a few other things. Now gradual increase was a process and defintely something you have to get used to. It was a process that took almost 2 months. Often because I would dead stop. The process is quite simple. Just stop washing it for an extra day each week. So if you normally wash every day – you move to every other day. Then every 3 days, then every 4, etc. Well I finally found a schedule that works pretty well for me. And my hair is quite thicker. Now I have added some product – but you use very minimal amounts – and really you can use some alternatives which I will go over. I will go over a typical 7 day schedule with you. Again – this works for me, it won’t work for every one – but if you can train your hair to wash minimally – you will start seeing the health benefits in your hair.
Monday morning: Full wash – shampoo/conditioner (I alternate shampoos – but I get them all from WallyWorld y’all – just get what works for you)
Tuesday – NADA
Wednesday – NYC Primer (it is just a spritz, so it is quick and smells good, think of it like a perfume for your hair, I got a sample free from Ipsy and fell in love)
Thursday – dry shampoo at top BEFORE workout, hair mask on tips before shower. Rinse both out in shower.
Friday – NYC Primer
Saturday – water wash, and condition tips. I work in the yard on Saturdays, my hair gets dirt, grass, etc all up in it. A water wash is simply just that – rinse thoroughly with warm water and really work to clean the hair out – just rinse some conditioner through the ends.
Sunday – NADA
My hair is much thicker, and stronger. My ends are healthier.
A few other things I stopped.
Brushing hair while wet.
I leave my hair down as much as possible – and use clips when possible. I make every attempt to avoid tight buns, make em loose ladies.
This worked for me, not saying it will work for you too. I just kind of figure all those oils I was washing out – my hair needed.
By the way – when you hair is in the “dirty stage” it is easier to style and curl.
Oh no, it is the horrible carb loaded bad boy BREAD hahahaha. I know, I know – I can hear you ask yourself – but she is on modified keto, what is she doing with this delicate looking delight? Well because not everyone is on keto, and because it’s important for a wide range of palettes, plus; BALANCE people. I have shared and I will not lie, I do; from time to time have carbs in my diet. Is it the norm? Of course not; diets work best when you actually follow them, but I am in this long term, and to look at someone and say that I will never put a slice of bread or a bowl of pasta in my belly from time to time, would just be a bold faced lie. I have control over that though, I have control over what is on plate. My diet is a lifestyle. Breads, carbs, sugars, they are treats now, and not a part of my daily diet, and that is how I have balanced my diet.
This is your typical cuban bread from Walmart – for I think 2.00. The rest is stuff I had in the fridge. This is the bread we would often make with spaghetti or lasagna or any of those other carb filled friends.
The thing is this is more of a technique and tweaking than anything else. Now you could easily just throw some butter and cheese on top of the bread – but then where is the fun in trying new things? Plus, in my experience, once you have this bread – you really won’t want it any other way.
Things you will need:
1 loaf of cuban bread
1tbsp of heavy whipping cream
4 tbsp of unsalted sweet cream butter
1 cup of shredded sharp white cheddar
1/4 cup of shredded sharp cheddar (yellow)
1 tsp (or more depending on taste) of garlic salt
dash of parsley
You can adjust the recipe as you prefer to taste. The first step I generally do before I start cooking the rest of the meal. You will mix the garlic, white cheddar cheese, heavy whipping cream, butter on the stove over medium high heat – just long enough for everything to melt. This shouldn’t take too long, just stirring and mixing until well combined and melted together. Take off stove, pour into a covered dish and place into fridge.
Great now you made yourself some cheese butter!
I know simple right – a 5 minute little thing that turns an okkaayyy garlic bread into a satisfying and seductive delight that is slightly addictive.
When you are ready to toast the bread.
Now that the cheese butter is solid and can be scooped out like butter – apply to the top of the cuban bread. I generally just scoop out about 1 tbsp in even sections, and coat – then go back over to add any remaining. You can decide how much coverage – I like it messy, so I scoop mountains. Don’t judge me, if I am going to ingest carbs – I am gonna have them how I want them hahahaha.
Here is another preference point, I like a soft centered bread with a crunchy and cheesy top. I only top broil on high heat. You can decide what you want to do here. If you like a soft top and crunchy bottom, baking at 400 will get you there. So really at this step – decide where you want the crunch – and go with the setting on the stove that will get you to your desired crunch, and preheat. And if you like crunch on both – then run your oven at 400 for the first 7-10 minutes, then broil on high for 5-7 minutes.
Put your cheesy hot mess in the oven. And cook until the cheese starts to bubble. I know wth??? Right at the best part??? I know I know. But remember that 1/4 of sharp yellow cheddar? Yea – more cheese. Take your bread that is just a few minutes away from being done, and sprinkle the yellow cheese over the white mixture. Just lightly coated. Stick it back in the oven till you get the top how you prefer. Generally no more than 10-15 minutes total.
Sprinkle the tops with some parsley and serve on up.
Your family will thank you.
Happy Carb Catering Day!
P.S. Am I the only one that loves the burnt cheese slide off from oven baked foods? Cause I am about that life!