Been sitting here having a conversation with Greg. It’s payday and yet I’m sitting here like dam, I work so much to be so dam broke. I feel so conflicted by it to, to where I am contemplating giving up my dreams to not be so dam tired. I work 70 hours every other week and 40+ on the others at my day job, then turn around and spend endless hours on music, social media, blogs, live shows, etc.
I have been burning the candle at both ends since I was 15 and now, 23 years later – still working over 130 hours a week between my job, and my dreams.
Something has to give. I can’t give up my job. How will my family eat, and my bills get taken care of?
I told my family for weeks now, I was going to stop working the extra shifts on the weekends so that I can spend time with them, but financially it just can’t happen right now. I almost lost my daughter a little over a month ago, that’s all I can think about – spending time – enjoying life for a change. I’ve been working two jobs her entire life. Sitting next to her at the hospital while she was in ICU, I just kept thinking to myself, I’ve missed so much time with her just so I can put food on the table, at what point does the struggle stop? At what point do you actually get to take a vacation and spend time together. When we do go places, it’s always fun, but for me – also stressful. Hell even going to Six Flags, we couldn’t buy food or drink there – just can’t afford it. So we either pack lunches, or go outside the park. We have the monthly passes – all we can afford – but at least it gets us doing something together.
I don’t understand why some people have to work so hard to be so broke. I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally and all I want – is just to be able to have a life.
The music, my outlet, my dreams – that is the only thing I can reasonably give up without disrupting how we survive.
Giving that up almost feels like my heart would be ripped out of my chest, but lets be honest – I just started making music a year ago.
It’s hard once you find your passion, to realize that reality will make it impossible for you to keep turbulence to let your passion fly.
I have to work to provide for my family.
My dreams may have to take a back seat.
I always felt like I was more. More than a poverty stricken life, but maybe that is my life. Maybe the struggle, the will to survive, maybe that is what my life is really about, and maybe I just need to accept that.
#inmyfeels
#dreamsdontpaybills
#backtoreality
Not sure if/ when I will post again.
Just in case, thank you to all of my readers, my dreamers and my followers.
You all are blessings.
I Smell Cakes and Candy 