It’s been a while since I’ve written outside of my poetry lately, which for those that have been around, know that I have converted myself into a rapper of sorts 🙃 As BandLab referenced me in my interview with them in their November 2018 edition of Artist Spotlight, a “self-styled rapper”. For those that don’t know, I write and ramble crazy poetry into rhymes that I add beats to…after…yes….after I record my words. Now lately I have been beat rhyming, basically to improve my skills, but like I said in Let Me Be Free “I just added beats to that sound”. It irritates quite of few polished rappers. Mainly because they don’t know the back ground, or don’t care, or their level of depth in their songs involves how many 40s they drank, and how many hoes they got. Instead, most of my tracks that are spoken word poetry laid over a beat. I’ve never denied it 😏.
Music is therapeutic for me. Writing, rhyming, rapping, whatever the fuck you want to call it, was never about what sounded good popping at the club for me. It’s more about the release of emotion. Furthermore; there are millions upon millions of actual rappers out there with actual talent. Mine is more of my life story in audio form with a little beat added to it 😂 that’s all.
And like to top it off, most don’t know, most of my YouTube views don’t even come from my music 😂 it’s all the other bullshit I put up there 😂 SoundCloud is different. 😏 But more of a worldwide network on there, and my music is highly appreciated in quite a few other countries. 😏
Anyways, a lot of that has taken up my time and kind of in reverse. I started writing again because my daughter has moved out and I got bored 🙆, and then some how it kind of just formed into a whole full time job that I do for free, often times it feels like I’m working non-stop. The one thing I love, listening, writing, and making music, doesn’t pay, and of course the one that does has been quite stressful lately 😕 anyways. That’s life. Music is really a hobby for me, and work is, like most, work.
I go into all of this because you kind of need a background to understand the complexity of the situation at hand…. this dammm man hahhaha…
About once a year, since I have been single, I would sign up for either Plenty of Fish or Tinder. Not out of desperation, but really just to find someone to start doing things with. Often times, I would just get sick of all the stupidity and fakeness involved in online dating. The word “single” has formed many variations over the years and is often abused in the online dating world. Or, I would go on a date and be like nah, fuck this, like I’m good. Too much shady shit in this world to even be attempting a relationship, partly because I do fear that I will lose my shit on the next dumbass that tries me in a relationship. 🙄 Like I’m almost 40, I would rather be alone than to waste my time on half ass men that don’t have their shit together. Often not staying on the dating site very long. Couple days at the max. And sometimes for just an ego boost. Hey, at least I admit it. 😮
So, anyways. Lately, I really have been considering this whole dating thing. Mind you, not a relationship, but dating. Just some one to hang out with from time to time. Nothing serious. Bluntly enough, a friend with benefits but someone to do a little more than just lay up in the bed together with 😉. A no pressure, just do you, I’mma do me, kind of thing. We will meet up in the middle when we are free 😌
I’ve become quite accepting of the fact that the mass population lies, and monotony is not really a known thing anymore.
I’ve yet for one to prove me wrong too 🙄
Kind of that, if you don’t invest too much, you lose very little motto I have.
So, on the weekend of March 24, I started chatting with this man, Greg. I was quite taken back at his hair. Yes 🤔 I have a thing about men with long hair. Well anyways, I figured eh, he may be someone chill to hangout with 🤔Yep – I swiped right…..
Well by no means did I think we would meet that weekend, but like what the fuck. Might as well stop bullshitting and get to it 🙄 Dating for me anymore is like, okay, what kind of bullshit am I gonna hear now 🙃 Often just gets on my nerves and I retreat back to just baking cakes and shit 😂
If you don’t jump in the water tho from time to time, you won’t ever get wet 😂
So we started chatting and he was free Sunday evening and being that’s it’s Sunday, and I was still getting stuff done for the work week, I had him come by my house. I know, I know. What the fuck. Me too. It’s okay. I even think back, like what the fuck was I thinking but same thing, but first off, 😏 I am a survivor who took some classes 😏 secondly, my dogs would never allow it 😏 thirdly, my neighbors nosey 🙄 finally, family in and out all the time, I’m never alone 😏 and I don’t live alone 😛 and furthermore, you do the same when y’all meet people at bars 🙄 and go home with them. Y’all be alright. 😌 The most dangerous people aren’t topically strangers.
And plus, through some of the convo, he just seemed laid back. I was nervous of one thing.
His age.
🙄
Yep.
His younger.
🙃
By a whollleeeee mother fkng decade 😮😏😏😏
I repeated my age multiple times, he just didn’t care. But let’s be honest, not many guys do, most in it for one thing anyways. And I wasn’t far behind that. Kind of in that can u just feed me, fuck me, tell me I’m beautiful, then get the fuck out my face till next week kind of thing 😶
That way there’s no fighting about ya side bitches or why your phone going off at 2:30 in a.m by ya baby momma. Ya know, simple. 😄
He agreed. That’s exactly what he wanted, friends. Just someone to chill with.
Plus, there’s some things about the age. There’s no point for a man that age to even consider me a good match, especially if he wants a family, etc. My daughter is grown. I haven’t been able to have children since she was two years old. I had my kid young – I was only 18, and to be honest – at this stage in my life, I really don’t want any more kids. I can hold out for some grandbabies hahahaha…
So, then the first meeting comes to happen. I’ll have to say, he was much cuter than his picture 😄 and his hair a little longer 😍 judge me, whatever, my rack looks bigger in person too, so we even 😅
Anyways, it’s a typical evening here. He arrived at 7:30. He had a shy smile, it was sexy.😅
I didn’t get all dressed up – and all that. I mean let’s be honest – it is Sunday night – and my weekends stay pretty busy with recovering from the work week, so come Sunday night – I am just “be happy I have clothes on” kind of mood.
It was strange – but felt incredibly comfortable from the moment he walked into the house – which was odd, considering I am incredibly socially awkward, although rarely appear so.
So we sit, and we talk for quite a few hours.
Now I will stop you right here.
While there was a point in my life, I was easy to love – I am far from that now. I often resist advances, avoid taking calls, and basically friend zone anyone that comes in the form of a potential heart break.
We talked, and we talked – about a variety of things. How neither one of us wanted to be in a relationship, music, life, love.
I mean I talk about 1000 things blended all into one conversation as is, but the fact that he was able to keep up was quite impressive.
There was an intense connection that night..
Now I know what you are thinking……
It’s just the beginning, so yea, it is going to be pretty nice for now….
Trust me, all these things go through my head.
Just because we are kicking it off pretty well – doesn’t mean that I haven’t forgotten about all the scars left prior to him. Kind of hard to, especially when some are physically present.
That connection felt wonderful, and new. Like a breath of fresh air after being locked away in a dark and dusty room for a long period of time.
There are things that I have accepted about myself that I kind of always believed would not be accepted by another in the form of love.
My mental health, my weight-loss and saggy skin, my rap, my PTSD/ OCD/ ADHD/ ADD, AND let’s not forget my gastroparesis (ya know cause every woman wants a stomach ailment around a man).
I mean these are things that could be issues in a relationship – and things that often people don’t know how to deal with – or deal with them incorrectly.
Someone with my conditions can be very complex to deal with – even if not appearing to be so. Something very minimal can trigger my PTSD – then here comes then anxiety – which throws my OCD into overdrive. This is no easy task for a man/woman to deal with. And often times, someone with these types of mental health issues, people assume they need rest – or try to get them to sit down, or breathe, etc. Breathing, yes – but trying to get someone with OCD to stop cleaning in the midst of having all 3 conditions hit at once is much like trying to get a freight train to stop in the matter of seconds. It won’t happen. If you want to help – just grab a rag – and help – or get out the way.
Oh, and by the way, because of my gastroparesis – medications aren’t an option, nor would I want to be on them. I have went that route before, and foggy headed zombie isn’t where it’s at for me. I would rather be cleaning my baseboards with a toothbrush then to be walking around hazzy. I am not completely un-medicated though. We have discussed this before in the CBD/THC post.
Update:
We are now 2 months in, as I began writing this a while ago. The music and just life in general has been hectic. Things have been going great and here in a few weeks, he will actually be moving in. He is so kind and loving. He allows me to be me, no judgement, just acceptance. We are different in a few ways but it fits together nicely. Much like a puzzle. I’m free to do as I wish, nor would I have it any other way. He just looks and smiles, and that is refreshing.
He doesn’t mind the crazy and actually seems to enjoy it.
Not sure what the future holds but for now, waking up to someone smiling and saying “you’re just so beautiful” feels pretty nice.
My guard will always be up, and I will say, paranoia of the past does creep up, but let’s be honest, even if it doesn’t work, y’all know Momma always gonna be shinning 😏
(He will never define me, as my life is written by me😘)
I Smell Cakes and Candy 