There are a lot of reasons why we do a lot of what we do on a daily basis, some known, some unknown to all but your unconscious self. Some times we do things out of habit based on mere survival. Much like what’s going on in the world at the grocery stores. Everyone hoarding instead of rationing for an equal spread across society. Soon, though because of selfishness, we may see world wide rationing on food. All very scary times for us all right now. But really my writing has nothing to do with the coronovirus, although my fear will of course be present as with all writers. I mean this is my diary of sorts, and really that’s what I wanted to talk about. Mainly because right now I’m in the bathroom plugged in and listening to It’s The Small Things In Life a beat by Greg that always makes me wanna go to Disney. It’s fun, upbeat, much like how I feel when I’m with him. To me, it’s always been kind of crazy cause Greg’s beats are different, unusual, but they match me, my music, the perfect blend of calm and chaos. The mantra I believe to be our relationship. Greg is a no drama, laid back, whatever you wanna do babe kind of king. I’m the queen with the 7 different spinning heads never really knowing where to turn, lately tho, been only feeling like 4 spinning but we will get into that later. He is completely supportive of the decision that wasn’t really a decision to stay home. He could really care less if I sit at home all day playing Borderlands 2 or played in the yard. He just wants me to be happy. For him, no matter how much money I made, it doesn’t compare to the happiness he gets to see right now with the freedom of the normal work environment, something we both know was killing me emotionally and physically slowly. Drained, rapping about it, rapping about my “back bleeding”,”soul seizing” . The song Matter Undermined still repetitively playing back knowing now, looking back, how close I was to a very very bad place, but you could also see the glimmer of hope, you can see me reaching up from the ashes of all that I had been carrying for so long that I got myself buried underneath it. Putting my life in fast forward for so long that it didn’t matter what happened as long as Katie ate at night and had a roof over her head, we was good, life could beat away, cause at the end of the day, when the sun rose, the bills had to be paid, so you get up, you cover the wounds the best way you can, be a little loud cause vocal distraction is a wonderful tool if your hiding so much. Take Robin William’s for example. I have a lyrics written in my notebook referencing him.. just one single lyric, written months ago, “somedays feeling like Robin Hood, others like Robin Williams” the confliction a brain goes through when you haven’t gotten counseling for the long list of unfortunate events you call your life. I’m 38. The list is a bit too long. Something that has apparently driven me into the red on this scale thing my therapist has for people dealing with C-PTSD. You can only drive fast forward for so long before your transmission breaks down. I’ve done a lot of good in my life. Finished college, kept my kid in activities, worked 2 jobs 70% of her childhood if not more all in the midst of a very very chaotic life. But all that good, all that fast forward, all running from whatever I’m running from was so much deeper than even I had realized.
Social media, something different and deeper for me. It’s not the fame, I’m far from that, it’s just not a goal, even tho it’s presented as one. Truth is, I’m here for that connection with people that are accepting of me and my crazy. Yes some of what I do, I get negativity. Nothing in this life that you will ever do will you not. You could have hundreds be supportive and here comes one twattlethot to inject his or her opinion about your life they just don’t understand cause it isn’t for them. Like my music. It’s story music. Each song, each one representing a situation in my life about something that has happened put into a musical form. People take it so personally when it’s not on beat. The difference with negativity online and in person? Delete and block. An option sometimes we don’t have in life. Acceptance, it’s a beautiful but rare thing, but online there are millions and just like crazy ass cults, you can always find people that get your crazy. Those, those become your friends, your connections. You need an ego boost? Post a pic on a few networks and bam, instalove! Friends, friends I have found while sitting in pain either on the floor in the bathroom or on the toilet, side of tub, or any other crazy variety you come up with when you have bad a stomach ailment too long. Something that popped up after my hysterectomy. Gastroparesis. Great, we get rid of abdominal adhesions that were inverting my ovaries only to get a stomach ailment that is not only life consuming but embarrassing. Something I talk about when it comes to the pain but not so much the involvement in the bathroom. I mean, potty time is pretty private but inside the house, not so much. One thing Greg has been very understanding and accommodating and often sits in the bathroom with me or comes every 10 minutes or so to see if I need anything for the moments when I want privacy. Which is also something that I go back and forth with. There are times, no matter what is going on in that bathroom he is there regardless of what awful things are going on, even tho I really prefer him not to see it, but it’s a part of my life and if he plans on ever seeing me, well.. some days I’m in there half the day. Army rolling towels and falling asleep on the floor, not uncommon for me. Not as often with Greg here now, he often makes sure I make it to bed. Sometimes the pain so intense, I pass out. Greg has grown accustomed to the signs. The pale hot skin, weakness, the eye roll that almost mimics a drug addicts overdose, but really my body shutting down because the pain is too intense. It’s something very odd and has scared a few. Happened at work, coworker got me home and I passed out. She couldn’t get a hold of me and almost broke into the house. Your doc tells you what not to eat, you can read books on the foods to stay away from, but in my experience, the list varies drastically from day to day. Plus, eventually the list becomes very minimal. And you would think it would be easy to lose weight but I find myself more of bouncing back and forth drastically between when my stomach is hoarding foods and fluids or when my body won’t hold anything. There’s rarely a happen medium. I was hoping to maybe start ubering but after the episodes I’ve had this week just getting people inside the home to work and back, there would be no way to be able to even do that at this point. Tomorrow we will try just some soft foods and see how I feel cause this bathroom for 2 hours at 3 times if not more a day sucks but it is my life.
How does that relate to my social media? Who else can you hang out with and share with when you are otherwise unavailable????
Stay safe you guys!!! Wash your hands!!! Isolate even unless unable to!
I Smell Cakes and Candy 